I have a question about my 13 month old son's recent change in behavior. Up until now he's been a very happy agreeable baby, always smiling and eats everything you put in front of him. I'd say over the past 3 weeks he's become very stubborn and it's clear that he's attempting to exert his independence. My question is - is it early for this behavior? Before he used to do the signs for more, please and eat, now he will yell (loudly) until he gets what he wants. If I try to shape his hands into the signs he gets mad and pushes my hands away. And I know he can do it because he used to do it and just yesterday when he wanted to get out of his high chair, he looked right at me and said help please (ha peez)! It's almost like he's determined to do it only when he wants to do it. He's becoming very picky about what he will and won't eat and has started to grab the spoon away from me when I'm trying to feed him. If I attempt to help him, he waves the spoon around like he's saying "get away, I can do it". Of course I don't have a problem with him feeding himself, but I don't always have time to let him do it, for example when I'm on my way out to work in the morning. With the food, I've always tried to give him a wide variety of things and up until now there hasn't been a problem. The other night I gave him pasta and carrots and I noticed he ate all of the pasta and then starting shoving the carrots down into the side of the high chair. Sunday night we cooked out and he had grilled chicken, watermelon and corn. The next night I tried to give him more chicken and he refused to eat it, just tossed it on the floor. Last night we tried spinach and cheese ravioli and he took one taste of it and pulled it out of his mouth - the thing is THAT was the dinner - usually he eats whatever the rest of the family eats, I don't make him something separate. I ended up giving him some toast with cheese and leftover watermelon because I wasn't going to be able to whip up something else faster. I'd rather not get in the habit of making him a different meal.
I'm wondering how I can get him back to using his signs instead of yelling so much because the yelling is driving me batty. I try as hard as I can to not acknowledge the yelling, and he definitely knows when I've had enough because if I look at him and say "stop yelling" he'll stop, but still won't use the signs. His babysitter said she is just as surprised as I am because up until now he's been so mild mannered. She said she wondered if he is starting the terrible two's at 13 months old! And don't get me wrong - he still is happy and bubbly, gives everyone a smile, loves to play, he just has also started to become super stubborn and extremely independent. Just wondering if anyone has any suggestions on how I can turn this around? Or maybe this is just a phase?
Thanks so much for all the advice. The one thing that has worked wonders so far is giving him his own spoon while he eats. (Thank you, Katryna N.!) He gets to practice his technique and I can still get through mealtime by feeding him with another spoon. By the way, not only is my oldest 9 (which means I'm out of practice with my smaller one, feels like I'm learning it all over again!) she was born with cleft lip and palate, so feeding issues and talking were COMPLETELY different. Signing was an integral part of communicating with her for a long time. She was also just very easy going at this age and obviously she's all I have to compare my son's behavior to!
All I can say is Welcome to the Terrible Twos, soem hti it sooner than ever..it is part of growing, but you cannot give into every whim. Welcome to the club (and 4 can be worse..kidding)
I do not have solutions for all the changes, but as far as feeding him, I would give him his own spoon AND use a spoon yourself. That way he gets to try to feed himself, but you can continue to actually get food in his mouth.
Also I read that evolutionarily, we are programmed to get picky about what we eat around 15 months because traditionally that was when babies were first likely to get away from their mothers. So in order to keep us from eating poison, dirt, rocks etc.. our palette became more refined at age 15month. I have no idea if that's actually true, but it makes sense to me.
GOod luck!
I have a fourteen month old who sounds like he's been...higher maintenance...than your son, so coming from my perspective, your son sounds cute. While I understand that it's making your life harder, but I think this is normal at this age. My son used to be a "good" eater -- ate anything we gave him, and fast. No playing around. In the last month he, too, has started being choosy, pushing his food around with a spoon, dropping stuff on the floor, etc. It stinks, but I think they're working on their motor skills and exercising choice, and playing with food is a fun way for them to do that. I try not to worry too much about what he does or doesn't eat at the end of any meal. If by the end of the day, your kid has had some fruit, some veg, etc., that's good enough, right?
As for the yelling instead of signing: My son stopped signing some things he knows how to sign and it also made me kind of crazy, but I really think we shouldn't try to force them to sign when they don't want to. Hopefully they'll start up again soon or start talking. Sounds like yours already is if he can manage help, please! Hang in there!
I just got off the phone with my girlfriend and read your e-mail. I am going through the exact same thing with my 13 month old little girl and my friend said she was as well. I think it is a phase. I am hoping it passes sooner than later.
My daughter wants to be held more is clingy. When she wants something she wants it now. She is refusing to eat some foods and loves to drop everything or put it in highchair. I think she is really frustrated because she can't do and get to everything she wants. Sometimes I don't think she knows what she wants. She seems to get so upset with my husband and I.
I am just going to try to be patient with her. Redirect her as needed. Set some limits and cross my fingers and drink lots of wine!!!
Hope all goes well! This will pass...Of course another phase will follow until they are out of the house and off to college.
Good luck! R.
I'm not sure why the only alternative to yelling has to be signing. He may be trying to express himself verbally and that is good to encourage. You just want the volume to be normal! The stage where they start talking is frustrating because they don't have the language skills to express their more varied needs and wants. If he is yelling, then you have to try to find the patience and the determination to not give in. You said he yells until he gets what he wants - so that encourages him to keep yelling. Some people use the term "inside voice" to teach kids that there's a volume level for inside the house or restaurant or school, rather than the yelling for outside. Otherwise, the independent streak is normal but you have to decide where you are going to draw the line in the sand, what behaviors are simply not acceptable under any circumstances. He may, for example, find some foods he doesn't like and you may allow for some of that, but throwing food is not acceptable. Expressing his displeasure is okay, but screaming is not. You can say "I cannot understand you when you yell" or "I don't talk to children who are yelling", something along those lines. IF he stops yelling when you say stop, that's good. Just say, "Thank you, that's much better. Now, what is it that you want?" Encourage him to talk, maybe by giving him alternatives - "are you full?" "Do you not want the corn?" If he starts up again, just walk away if you have to and leave him strapped in the high chair (without any food to throw of course!) I agree with you that you don't want to get into the habit of making a separate meal, but children do not always have a really developed palate and experts say it takes something like 6 tries with a new food to see if they like it. So pulling out the ravioli may have been a normal kid thing. I know you are busy and hassled, but it will make mealtime more pleasant if there are numerous alternatives for him - something new to try and some tried and true things. For example, if he had a choice between the ravioli and the leftover chicken, maybe he would have gone for the chicken. You have to try some strategies, but you will get faster results if you are incredibly consistent in what types of behavior you will accept. He's not too young for timeouts - I agree with that post. Good luck and hang in there! By the time you get this figured out, he'll be into some new confusing behavior and you can start all over again!!! ;-)
Both of my boys went through a yelling-while-eating (or not eating, more accurately) stage, and I would just walk out of the room (after taking all the food away so they couldn't throw it) until they stopped yelling. Another mom suggested this too. It took several battles to get the message across, but no one yells at meal times anymore.
My 18-month-old also uses signs (although he also uses LOTS of words), and he has been consistently signing please and thank you for some time now. Occasionally he refuses to sign thank you, and so then I take away the thing I gave him until he signs it. If he never signs it, I don't give the item back. So if you know your son can sign or say something, I would not give in until he signs or says the appropriate thing instead of yelling.
I also dealt with a very picky eater (my first son) and a generally good eater who has his stubborn days (my younger son). Although it is tough, my rule has become if they don't eat what I give them for dinner (or at least one of the choices I provide), that's their decision. I can't make them eat, and I'm not going to make a battle out of meal time. However, I don't scramble around finding something they WILL eat, and if they leave the table or high chair without finishing dinner, there is no dessert and no more dinner later. This sometimes, I'm sure, means they go to bed hungry, and that's hard for everyone. But they have gotten the message, and they generally do finish their food (or a respectable amount of it) at dinner time. I figure they're not going to starve. If they're really that hungry, chances are they'll eat whatever is in front of them.
Hi Jamey,
Is your son hearing impaired? If not, I would say he is trying to talk to you. He probably sees all the rest of you talking and just isn't interested in signing anymore. Trying communicating more with speech. Even though your son is still young, plenty of kids start to speak at this age.
J. L.
Sounds like my daughter! She is VERY independent, and the things you are going through are the same as what we have been dealing with for a few months now. I try and keep positive that she is bright and smart and aware, but put down my foot when her behavior goes awry. She gets frustrated easily, or does the "clean sweep" and knocks everything off her tray if we are pushing anything on her.
I've found that sometimes with meals, I give her a small bit of something that usually works (fruit) to get her to start eating, then drop on the rest of the meal in small amounts till we see what she's responding best to. Sometimes fruit and some carbs are all she will eat, but the next day she might devour the chicken. It's a mood thing, I think.
As far as behavior, we just try and "change the subject" or find something else equally interesting if she's being overly stubborn or getting frustrated and yelling over something she can't control (going outside or in an off-limits place, etc). Asking her to go and find something works great, or I'll just walk over and quietly start playing with one of her toys and usually she joins me.
I also try and encourage her (since she is independent) to learn new things, she loves to try and do what we do (put shoes on, clip buckles, open/close, flipping light switches, the mechanics of things).
Good luck with your little one!
he is just exerting his independence and you must nip it in the bud now. Are you using time outs? I started at 11 months old and by the time my son was 12 months old he knew exactly what it meant and I would say, do you want a time out and he would stop his behavior. It works wonders. Our time outs just consisted of me taking my son away from the whatever he was doing and making him sit by himself or with me. I would say, you are in time out for throwing, hitting, biting, etc. Then I would have my son say sorry or sign for sorry give a hug and go back to what he was doing. You have to be consistent and willing to do the time outs or whatever you want to call them. This works and he'll test you again. He wants to make himself boss but mommy is boss and we just have to make sure our kids know that. :)
Jamey,
Your son is turning into a toddler. Enjoy and go with the flow. Try anticipating an issue with food or behavior and try and avoid making him so something. When it comes to safety - not give it - he has to listen no matter what. If however it is about eating or dressing or even taking a bath, try and give them a little slack.
A couple of things that have helps us are
1. give choices. Show your son 2 items (books, snack items, shirts to wear, etc.) and ask him which he would like to (read, eat, or wear). You are choosing a healthy snack, he just decides which one he wants. Same with the cloths, you select appropriate shirts (that go with appropriate pants for the weather) he just selects the color or decal he wants to wear that day. This cuts down a lot on their frustration of everyone controlling everything about their world. It gives them the opportunity to select and feel like they have a say.
You can do this with lots of things. For example - would you like to read books before or after we brush your teeth? You will do both but he decides the order. And so on.
2. When changing an activity or leaving some place or even getting out of the tub. Give your son a 2 minute warning. Say -
We have 2 more minutes to play in the tub. Then we have to get out, dry off, get our PJ's on and etc., etc. with your bedtime routine.
Or it could be leaving the park or playing before dinner really anything.
This allows them to know when the end of an activity will happen and they can prepare themselves for the change. It avoids the screaming you sometimes get when you say "We need to leave now." and they aren't ready.
Good luck,
L. M
I wouldn't stress too much...i think he is just leaving babyhood for toddlerhood. I have read that until toddlers start talking, it is very easy for them to get frustrated because they live their whole life not being able to get across their needs. So to me there is constantly the need to find a balance between patience and setting boundaries. I think baby signs helps with this, but it certainly does not solve all the issues of toddlerhood. I would speak with pediatrician about it more, but your son sounds very normal to me!
