12 Year Old Whines and Cries Every Time Told No

We had the same problem. Very simple - first, firmly tell them whining is not an option then ignore and walk off. Be consistent! It worked for us.

whining is not communication. even my three year old knows that mommy can't understand whining, only big boy talking. you've allowed this and that is why it happens. period.

A.,

I'm sure this is annoying but I wouldn't make a big deal about it. The whining is an attention getter and paying too much attention is reinforcing negative attention. Just stick to your guns and walk away. Do your best to find ways to reinforce the positive and hopefully this will pass soon. I'm betting there is a hormonal thing going on too.

It's okay to sit your 12 year old down and say, "You know, I've never had a 12 year old before and I am doing the best I can. Sometimes I do make mistakes. But as your Dad it is my job to teach you good values. Sometimes that means I have to say no. I love you." Who knows, might open a good conversation. you might even want to do this when you are alone in the car. Sometimes kids will talk more there because they can avoid direct eye contact without it being weird.

Hang in there. For the older child this is a very tough age. Grab a copy of "Love and Logic." It will help with both kids.

P.

Your 12 yr old is going though her own changes and having to share attention with a almost 2yr old. This child has been the only child for almost 10 yrs!! That could be a hard adjustment for her!! And your 17 month old is probably going into 'terrible twos' and trying to find her own place in the world too.

My kids are 6yrs (dd is almost 10 and ds is almost 4) apart and a lot of things have changed over the years. I found the book 1 2 3 Magic helped alot especially with my oldest child. I also do a mommy daughter day once a month to to give her some special time with mom. It really seemed to help her still have that only child feel with doing that. And also, she is going into that tween stage and I want to make sure I keep the lines of communication open with her as well!!

Good luck!
S.

Let em cry
my mother always said the more you cry the less you pee.
They are trying to break your heart and manipulate you.
Don't change your mind just because they cry. stick to your guns.

Send the 12 yr old to his/her room to do the whining and crying. If they want to do that, fine, but nobody else need be subjected to listening to it. It must have worked at some point, or they would have stopped long before now.

Once you have the 12 yr old worked out... you will probably see some results with the 17 month old, who probably picked it up from the older sibling. And I'm guessing it works for them too.. or they'd give it up as well...

Sorry to sound harsh... but kids don't do this sort of thing if they don't benefit from it somehow. Figure out what they're "getting" from it, and eliminate that thing (more attention from you, eventually getting you to give in on whatever they were told no about, whatever).

Good luck.
You might pick up a copy of 1-2-3 Magic. They address the whining/crying issue, among others.

Check out the book How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk. It gives really practical advice on how to respond to kids by not denying the feelings they have. Amazingly, children can often resolve their own unhappiness once they believe you have really listened to them.

You can read part of this really practical guide to communicating with your kids here: http://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/038081....

send her to her room & tell her she can come out when she can find her self control......it works for my 4 yr old drama queen & she comes out with a big smile & usually says "i feel better now"......sometimes she's in there for 2 minutes or 30 minutes but everyone is much better

Love and Logic. It is a miraculous if you will stick with it.

Just first concentrate on the 12 year old, who is giving a very bad example to the toddler. At the first hint of a whine from her mouth, 12 minutes of time out in a "boring" spot with no distractions. At the same time, she should have a special reflection" notebook and pen with her, so that she can write down date and time, why she is in time out, and what she should have done to avoid being there now and in the future. At the end of the time, she apologizes, hugs, and it is over until the next infraction rears its ugly head. Doing this consistently for a couple of weeks or as long as it takes, should soonlet her know that you mean business!
Get started now or the next 6 years will be hell! The same goes for any talking back, or general "attitude" problems. You are the parents and it is up to you to set the tone in your home. The 17 month old is old enough to spend 1 minute in a similar time out for any undesirable behavior too.
And remember, the less talking involved, the better. Explain once why they are in time out, reminder when the time is up, apology, and that is it.

Very sensitive and trying times for the 12 year old. She will adjust to her new self soon.

Giver your daughter ten $1 bills at the start of each day (or ten quarters or ten something!). Take away one each time she whines. Do this for a week. It might cost you, but it will teach her that sweetness has great value!

I suspect the youngest learned from the oldest. I'm hoping you are not giving in to the whining and crying as that will just cause it to continue.
Work on the oldest first as he/she will be the hardest to deal with. The younger one will likely follow the leader.
My suggestion is actually just not giving any attention, effectively ignoring the 12 year old. "I'm not talking to you until you stop whining/crying and talk to me properly." and walking away. Go into the kitchen and do dishes or start dusting or vacuuming or whatever, just don't say another word until the behaviour stops.
If a child simply wants attention for any reason at all then even negative attention (yelling, punishing, etc) will be accepted by the child because it's better than nothing. So by offering up nothing the child has no choice but to stop if he/she wants something from you.
Hope that helps!

You need to have consequences for whining AND DO NOT RESPOND to whining. Especially for the 12 year old...tell her you'll respond when she TALKS to you in a conversational tone. AGAIN......DO NOT RESPOND, just keep reminding her she'll get an answer or whatever if/when she learns to communicate in a conversational tone. TRUST ME..........everyone else will appreciate it too!

This is the way I handled kids I babysat, nannied and/or taught in school. It works. They finally figure out if they want someone to respond, they learn to do it right. Just calm reminders and go about your business.......

i have one question,did your 12yrs old daughter whine and cry before the 17 month old was born?if she did'nt,she could be crying for more attention.if this is not the problem then when either one of them whine and cry try ignoring them until they stop,letting them know that you will no longer tolerate this behavior.i have a set of twin boys(who are now grown)when they were very young,they were used to getting all the attention until i had a little girl.i stared giving my little baby girl most of my attention and my boys started acting bad just to get my attention.when my little girl(who is now a teenager)was a little toddler she would also whine and cry when i told her no,until i start ignoring her when she behaved in that matter.