12-Yr-old Communication Gap

Try to ask him questions that cannot be answered with "yes" or "no" or another one-word answer - "What did you do in school?" is better than "how was it".

Kids this age are naturally reticent as they start to experience feelings, body changes, and social situations that are new and confusing. "Dating" at this age isn't really dating - they just say they are "going out" which means they text each other for a while. When they run out of things to say, they "break up".

You might ask him what other kids mean when they say "date" - don't ask him about HIM, but what the trend is. It's less personal and he may give you some info. If you don't pry into his life and don't shut him down with any criticism, you stand a better chance of getting SOME information. But it's hard, especially when they tell you things that sound a little upsetting.

You are very smart to only let him "date" at public locations with a group. I'd stick with that for a number of years. That's how it works around my town. If parents give in sooner, it's a mess. And kids kind of rely on parents to restrict them so they don't get into situations they cannot handle.

Scratch his back. Wait a minute, I'm not crazy. This works. Start going in at night, right after he has gone to bed, and sit on the edge of his bed and say, "Turn over, I'm going to scratch your back." Then just talk. Nothing serious, just tell him a story, or a joke, or blah-blah. Even a kid who is mad at you will let you scratch their back. Even an 18 year old will let you scratch his back! So you get a nightly routine of popping in his room, scratching his back for about two minutes, and chatting lightly. Then start slipping in a question or two, like: what are you doing tomorrow? Just a light question that might end up being answered with a grunt. Don't make back scratching time "grill the kid time." Just ask a question lightly every now and then and you have opened the communication door wide open.

This really works. Even kids who have screamed and yelled at you will flip over and let you scratch their back.

I have a 13 year old son and he's a talker, so I don't have the particular issue you have, but I still have a suggestion or two. One thing I do if I really want to talk, not just chit-chat, is get him in the car. We have our best conversations in the car. We also talk in the hammock. Those two places really seem to get him to open up. He doesn't use his itouch or phone whenever we're talking either, and he never has, so it isn't an issue. We both have each other's full attention. I teach high school, and we talk a lot about what goes on in my classroom and in the halls. I'll ask him his opinion about those things and if he sees the same thing in his school. That opens up a lot of important topics (sex, drugs, alcohol, cheating, etc.). You could do the same thing with movies and TV shows. We've had some great discussions, and I really love hearing what he has to say.

As for dating, I also think they're just trying to figure things out. My son has had one "girlfriend." They were together for a month, but they never went anywhere. They never talked on the phone or texted. They only saw each other in science class. They split up because neither of them saw any point in being together. It was an easy, mutual break-up. I think it was more of an experiment than anything. Sort of figuring out what it was like to have a boyfriend/girlfriend for each of them. That was months ago, and he hasn't shown any interest in finding another girlfriend. He prefers hanging out with groups of friends, mostly boys, but some girls.

Just keep talking. He'll appreciate it someday!

Oh I have a 12 year old daughter who is doing the "dating"thing too. She gives weird and unreasonable answers when I ask the same questions like why is she going out with certain boy or questions about the breakup. She seems to be frustrated by the questions too but I think its maybe because she doesnt really know why...she is still trying to navigate it all and figure it out. As for the short answers we get those too sometimes but my girl is a talker...my hubby jokes that she always talking but never really says anything. Anyways just keep talking to him and reminding him that you are there for him to talk to. Too many parents give up and just stop talking.

Oh my. The rule in our house is no dating until 16. Even then it will only be group dates meaning a group of boys and girls getting together to have fun on planned activities. No pairing off. That kind of activity helps boys and girls learn to relate to each other and help them define what they look for in a future mate. That's the rule for us. We have always set that expectation. As far as the "practicing" to be in relationships ummm in my opinion that is way too young to worry about those things. He has plenty of time for that. Also, if you are wanting him not to do these things then I wouldn't encourage that behavior such as taking him to "meet" the girlfriend etc. Not to intrude but is there a father figure in his life that can set a good example? Is he involved in sports or other activites? Spending one on one time with my kids help them to open up. Being interested in them and their activities, asking questions helps my children to open up. Vicki also made a good point. I don't scratch their back but will sit on their bed and listen and talk to them and they will open up. Good luck.