hello, I have an 11 yr old daughter who I have full custody and she see's her dad every other weekend. He has always gotten her and she has always enjoyed going. Recently he has moved in with a girl who he intends on marrying soon. Now my daughter is an emotional roller coaster. She is very jealous of the situation. I have talked to her and explained that this could be a good thing and made it all positive because I am also remarried(which she never gave a problem about) but she is not likeing the new wife and I just wander if I am overlooking something? help me explain to her
Thank you all for your response. My husband and I have talked to her and really been positive influence and had heart to heart talks. She seems to have perked up and not been so upset as she was. I will keep you guys posted on her progress. Thank you all you were very helpful on what to do.
You say he moved in with her? If that is the case that could be the problem. You know that feeling you have when you stay with family other than your parents, or with friends. That feeling of I am welcome here but I have no ownership. It is an uncomfortable feeling.
That could very well be how your daughter feels now at her dad.
Most likely because she's a girl and has always seen herself as the girl in his life. She didn't have trouble with you re-marrying because she wasn't the "man" in your life?
At this age, fathers are really, really important in a girl's life.
Is your ex aware of her feelings on the new woman?
Ideally, he can reassure her that this "new" girl will never take her place and does not think she's going to be her "mom" either.
I suggest some short term counseling. Take her to a counselor who specializes in children and teen issues. Her school's counselor might have some ideas, too.
Being jealous is a "normal" reaction but it needs to be managed in a way that will help her maintain a sense of self worth. She has been Daddy's girl up til now. Now she feels the competition for Daddy's attention. It's very real that he won't spend as much time or give her as much attention as he did without the girl friend. This is an adjustment for both her and her Dad. It would be ideal if Daddy would attend a counseling session with your daughter.
After reading other posts, I realize I missed an important fact. Daddy has moved in with girl friend. Of course daughter feels displaced. This is not her Daddy's home yet, in her eyes. Does she have her own room or at least her own space for her things there? It's very important that she does have this so that it feels like her home too.
She's not only adapting to Daddy's fiance but also to a new house/apartment. This takes time. It's important for her to have her own physical space.
Did she just meet this woman? Did they have some kind of relationship before her moving in? I am from divorced parents and I am a step mom. My step daughter and I have a really good relationship. I have always been honest that I and her little sister would never take her place. We always make sure she knows this is her house too and do things as a family. I guess being a step kid myself I already knew how to handle it.
Talk to her and ask how she is feeling, have her dad there too (without the girlfriend) for reassurance that he will still be her dad. I wonder if she feel like this woman will be taking away her dad. I would also talk with your ex so you are all working together.
Do you know this woman, have you made an effort to find out what she is about? There may be something going on she does not know how to explain to you that makes her weary or it could just be she does not want to share her daddy b/c she has such little time with him anyway. NO matter what I would investigate and get your ex involved in finding out why. I would also encourage your ex to hold off on the nuptuals until it is figured out if possible, family therepy is always good.
I would encourage her to talk to her dad, especially if you think he can be empathetic. I would also talk to her myself. It's a huge thing to have your parent remarry. I've been on both sides. Ask her what's what. Ask her if she has any fears about it. Ask her if that's likely to happen (like being ignored by her dad, or having an "evil" stepmother or whatever). Ask her to tell you about good things. Does her dad's finacee have a dog she likes? Does she make a meal your DD likes? Has she spent much time with the woman yet? Is she a daddy's girl? And if it all went well when you remarried, ask her what's different?
Being 11 is tough. It was a very hard year for my SD and her dad and I were already married.
This sounds like a classic psycho-analytic condition referred to as "The Electra Complex."
All girls go through it....that is being in love with their Dad and showing anger towards the mother. But your home has been split, so she is angry at the new wife / mother figure he has chosen over her.
She's going to need tons of reassurance that Daddy still loves her, she will always be his little girl, etc. etc.
You might want to google the Electra complex.
