11 Year Old Son Distraught over Lost Jacket - Symptom of a Bigger Problem??

Was there something special in the pocket that might want or need??
It might not be the jacket at all -- it might be the little something in the pocket...

That said, he sounds like he has the beginnings of "hoarding" symptoms. You might want to consider some therapy for him so he can talk about his losses and such. He's had a lot in the past 4 years...

Hope he is okay.
If there's nothing special in the pockets, I'd not try to get the jacket back. I wouldn't punish him for losing the jacket - it happens! But - I'd make him go with me to get a new one!
LBC

It could be, it could also be that he may have felt that the jacket was part of his identity. Maybe he felt cool or special in it? I had a coat when I was a teenager that I was VERY attached to for that very reason. I would call the stadium and see if they have it. I would even let him talk to them if he wanted to. But then after that you just have to work through it. Have him talk about it and then you might get to the root of why he is so upset. I think losing the jacket is punishment enough. Also, its so nice of you to care so much! Not every parent would. :)

Yes, I think there is a transference of his loss onto these objects. You are very perceptive.

I don't think you should drive an hour to try to find a jacket he's outgrown, that otherwise has no sentimental value (it didn't belong to someone important, etc.)

But, you should talk to him about the loss he feels regarding the jacket. Do a lot of listening and mirroring his feelings about it, do NOT negate his feelings, or tell him why he shouldn't feel that way. It will make him feel better if you mirror his emotions. Mirroring his emotions will help him let go of the jacket. "It's hard when you lose things you like or care about..." etc. etc.

It's perfectly normal to have a stuffed animal he loves and sleeps with at that age. My oldest son, now 21, asked me a few months ago where the stuffed frog was that he'd had since he was an infant. I'm glad he asked, because I found it in the Goodwill pile, and rescued it. It's a keeper.

And I don't think punishing him for losing the jacket is in order. People lose things. Adults lose things. It doesn't really matter.

p.s. I had some intense losses when I was little, and I have a hard time losing or misplacing objects now. I will get very anxious and feel out of control sometimes, when I can't find things. I KNOW it's a reaction to my childhood losses, so I know how your son feels.

Oh for heaven's sake, why would you make your son pay for a new jacket when he was due for a new one anyway? Don't you normally buy him clothes when he outgrows them? You said he asked to stay at the game because he was having so much fun - leaving the jacket there was clearly a mistake because he was distracted and having a good time - why on earth would you punish him for that? He sounds like a sweet sensitive child who has been through 2 major traumas in his young life and doesn't want to lose anything else that is important to him. Why don't you call the stadium and see if the jacket was turned in to the lost and found? There's always a chance that someone found it and turned it in. If it were my son I would try to get it back for him. This is really not about the jacket anyway, just what it represents to him. If it means so much to HIM, it should mean that much to YOU. Yes, maybe there are more deep-seated issues here - I would address those perhaps through counseling - but in the meantime, couldn't you find it in your heart to try to get the jacket back? I'm sorry if this may not be the most popular opinion, but I really think it's the right thing to do.

Gosh 11? Seems a bit much of an over reaction. No do not go back and get the jacket, he was growing out of it anyway.. Just stick with what you have said..

It does sound odd about the box of clothing to Goodwill and still keeping up with those clothes.. That could be a sign of something, but not sure..

I would keep an eye on it.. I would also make sure as a family, you all "Lose" some things and model proper responses.. Let him know it is ok to make mistakes, EVERYBODY loses things and it is never the end of the world.. They are just things..

Is he a perfectionist? Some people become very angry and disappointed with themselves when they forget or lose things.. You will need to work with him, to not be so hard on himself when these things happen..

My son... not so much. ME... um... yah. Big time.

I still have "favorites" of clothes packed away from when I weighed 123 (I'm 6'1, that was almost auschwitz weight for me... you could see my hip sockets and see the spinal processes on my vertebre)... all of my "favorites" of my son's clothes as he's grown out of them... And t shirts? I'm worse than "husbands". I have shirts that are 15 years old that are more hole than shirt. ::blushing::

I'm adhd, so that might be a part of it, each of those items evokes a feeling. And I still mourn "lost" clothes that were particular favorites. Not only because I don't posses them anymore... but because I'm STILL kicking myself over having lost / forgotten them somewhere in the first place.

<grinning> So do you know what I DO with those clothes? I save them up in a box, then I make memory quilts out of them.

Yes I think that your son has found a way to deal with the loss that he has had in his life. Children are not able to see the big picture of things and their world is much smaller than ours. He needs to work out his loss and he's done it in a way that seems odd to us but for his age he doesn't really have the skills needed to process his feelings or be validated for having them. I think it would be wise to allow him the space to have someone to talk to outside of the family about what he is going through. Sometimes simple validation from someone that is safe and outside of the situation is all that is needed to help.
Best Regards to you and your son,
C.

Maybe call the stadium and see if they will mail it to you.
It is odd behavior on his part, most kids could care less if they leave something behind that WE paid for. So I see why you are concerned. I'd just kind of keep an eye on this, he just might be a hyper sensitive person and certain things will trigger him emotionally. Everyone is different and we all have our quirkinesses (i know that's not a real word). If he has normal social skills at school and with friends and this doesnt really affect his day to day life it probably isnt anything serious, just gonna be part of his character. If your gut is telling you that it's a mental disorder, talk to your doc and see what she/he thinks about it.
ADD-ON:
Your son is old enough to look up the number of the stadium and to call and ask if they found his jacket and to ask them to mail it to him COD, maybe by solving this problem (or at least trying just in case they dont have it) will make him feel better, he'll be able to have closure if they tell him they dont have it or he will be accomplished that he took the right steps to have it sent back to him without help from mom..... except for the couple of bucks it might cost for shipping.

My son is younger but had a similar experience last fall Because of a family history of mental illness I took him to a child psychiatrist for an evaluation. It was over a month before we could get in because he was a new patient. In the meantime I "kept an eye on him." A close family friend had passed away about a year earlier and he was struggling with the loss (the man was like a grandpa to him). The psyc thought he was showing signs of OCD and anxiety. I wanted to try anything before medication, but that doctor was really pushing meds. So, I went to another child psychiatrist for a second opinion (another long wait to get in). In the meantime we had quit giving him a nasal spray for his allergies and all the anxiety symptoms cleared up. The second psyc told us we had a perfectly normal little boy- whew! He sent a report to our pediatrician so no more of that nasal spray would be prescribed for him. Some people are very sensitive to meds and they can cause mental symptoms. Does your son take any medication? Talk with the pediatrician about possible sensitivity to the meds. I do encourage an evaluation by a child psychiatrist and a second opinion too. We all have a hard time dealing with death and he may need a few sessions with a child therapist to learn to cope with death. My son only needed 4 sessions and then he was again sleeping through the night.

It does sound like an anxiety disorder, seperation anxiety disorder. google it gives lots of symptoms or actions and see if any of it fits your son. If he does have anxiety I am not so sure I would punish him over the jacket as it could make him more anxious the next time he forgets something, that he will be punished for it and the reaction will be stronger. IMO

I agree with Margaret. It sounds like he loved this jacket--and it doesn't sound like he was negligent. Call the stadium, etc and try to take some ACTION for this boy if he is so distraught about it, for goodness sake! You've already worked out a "payment plan" but have you TRIED to get it back even without making the O. hour drive (which is porbably worth it, to me!)
My son (7.5) gets attached to stuff: stuffies, clothes, toys, etc. and while sometimes I tell him he'll be a hoarder living in a NYC apartment stacked HIGH with newspaper, deep down , I think he's just a sentimental soul.
And yes--it sounds like he's had a few traumas--kids like to feel they can control "something"!

Some people are very attached to their belongings. I'm very attached to my books and I remember crying over a lost book or even a bent cover. They were my friends and to lose them was devastating.

I also remember freaking out when my grandparents wanted me to wear my favorite sneakers into the water at a very rocky beach. I refused and cried all afternoon. The promise of a new, better pair of sneakers, wasn't enough to snap me out of it.

But, 35 years later, I can tell you that I've loosened up a bit. I can always replace a lost or damaged book and I don't care so much for my sneakers anymore. I would sympathize with your son for his loss but not cater to it. Perhaps you could let him know that his loss may be another person's gain...a child who really needs a coat now has one. Your son has "blessed" this person with his coat and who doesn't need a blessing every once in a while?

Good luck!

.

Don't know what to tell you about the immediate jacket problem, but I would say that now is the time for some counseling. I started my daughter in counseling at age 7 after we divorced at her age 2 (her father was in and out of her life). At 4, her paternal grandmother died. At 6 and one-half, her maternal grandfather died. So although I was constant, she saw a loss of significant people in her life. The child psychologist who saw my daughter said that all her stories ended with "and this person was never seen or heard from again". Talk about chilling for me! Therapy made a big difference. Then, every few years I would notice signs and she would return to therapy for a while and life would improve for her. Although we love our children more than life, we don't always have the skills to help them by ourselves.

Okay, this is just a different perspective. It sounds like his self esteem is very low and he's embarassed for having forgotten his jacket. And, yes, he might have trouble with loss after his parents divorced and his grandma died. So I guess I wouldn't "punish" per se for forgeting an article of clothing. I forget stuff all the time. It seems like the natural consequence is he doesn't have the jacket now. And giving him the opportunity (as opposed to the consequence) to make money to buy a new jacket is okay. How did you and your husband react to his realization that he left his jacket behind? I think I would have handled it matter of factly, this stuff happens, you must feel bad, how about if you could earn the money for a new jacket? He's still solving his own problem but maybe has a better self image that way. Remember, he couldn't "solve" the divorce or his grandmother's death, maybe he needs to see he can solve some of life's other curve balls. So maybe I'm a lightweight in the discipline dept. but it might help him to turn this into yes, mistakes happen and then we feel bad but you're fixing the mistake yourself and you can feel very proud of yourself about that.

Hi there,
I am sorry your son is struggling. It sounds like you are a loving very present mom. I am a mom of a child who got upset easily and could be hard to console and I am a parent educator as well. I know that when that is happening it is not a small issue!

As far as his upset goes, I would suggest learning/teaching him Emotional Freedom Techniques to help him with his upset feelings. Knowing this skill will help him throughout his life. In fact, if you can find someone who practices EFT in your area, that would be great....they could perhaps work with him for a session or 2 and teach you both how to self-calm with EFT:
http://www.hypnotherapylosangeles.com/assets/media/EFT.pdf

As far as the jacket goes, I think you that if he were growing out of it and you would have bought him a new jacket anyway this fall, that he should not have to buy a new jacket. It sounds like losing his jacket is consequence enough for him.

I have tons of resources for using EFT and related healing modalities. Feel free to contact me directly if you would like more info.
Blessings,
K.
Kimberly Smith Cavins, OTR, CPE, EFT-Cert
"From the Heart" Family Healing

Helping people with:
~Parenting or Family Struggles
~Emotional Issues or Unhealed Trauma
Who need Peace, Love, and Connection
____@____.com

I don't think once in awhile breakdowns are anything to worry about. Even as adults, we have our moments too. Divorice is particularly hard for children and leave lasting impressions sometimes. Does your ex-husband spend much time with him? Does your current husband do bonding things with him? Throw a ball, grab some ice cream, ride bikes, etc? Perhaps your son needs more one on one time with you? Regarding the jacket do you you feel is right in your heart. Did someone special give it to him? Perhaps his grandmother? For some reason, it is really important to him. If you decide to go back for it you could cut off the sleaves and make it into a cool vest. Good luck. :-)

Who gave him the jacket? someone special to him? I didn't see an age there, but kids do forget things, I feel his aunt and uncle should have made sure he had his jacket. On the other hand hand if he was really all that attached to the jacket i doubt he would have left it. Oh i guess he's nine. I don't think it is an attachment because if he was so attached to the jacket he would have never left it. Some kids are just overly sensitive about things, I'm not saying toughin him up, if he has been crying for several hours I would say there is a lot more going on that forgetting a jacket. Do you and you husband baby him or do you teach him to shake things off? that makes a big difference, it did with my 3 kids (now grown). Talk to his doctor and he what he/she's recomends. J.

I would only punish if it was neglectful or intentional I believe he forgot it after having fun & it was getting late perhaps..It's your call he is 11 yrs old & old enough to be responsible..He is holding on to things to me he is afraid of losing things in his life divorce & death effects people differently I have yet to see it in my kids since they have been with me to every awake & funeral..But it's something i'll be aware of in the future Thanks for that info..
It's good that he is doing chores today but shouldn't they be everday not just when he get's punished..The jacket issue it's unlikely that it would be found & returned to the lost & found but you can try to go after it he is outgrowing it anyway as you posted so I wouldn't bother I would however go out this afternoon & buy a new one after his chores are complete....

i would talk to his pedi about this behavior. i remember a mrs. piggy and kermit the frog sleeping bag that was tossed. i was soooooo upset over it. because i saw my dad at the trashcan tossing it. i begged my mom to keep it and not let him toss it. the attitude was its old and torn and it needs to go in the trash. still i was very upset over this. i think it was the sudden loss of such a comforting thing. if they had spoken to me about tossing it i could have handled it better. i did loose another blanket at a ball park. we were evuacated quickly from the park as a preditor on the run from the police were looking for him. we got the blanket back from lost and found. i still have it. as far as the clothes i do better when donating it and knowing some one else can use it. you could call the ball parks lost and found to see if they have it. if not tell your son that a boy was very cold and could not afford a coat and someone found it then delivered it to the boy. he was very greatful and is warm now. explain that your sorry your son can no longer wear it but he was about to out grow it and would have needed a new coat soon and the old coat would not have gone to this (fixticious) boy who really needed a coat. then go buy the boy a new coat. i am supprised over your punishment for forgetting a coat. if he does this often i can understand, but seems a little off to get in trouble over something he clearly regrets.

i liked your reasoning, that ok it was an accident but you still take actions for your accident and extra chores to earn part or all the money for the jacket makes sense to me. I think he should be the one to call the stadium, i might also make a follow up call that he didn't now about if the answer was no just to make sure he communicated clearly to the people.

I don't know if there are other things he has gotten this upset about but maybe it was just being over tired from being at the game and maybe riding home with aunt and uncle freaked him out a little.
I guess i'm just saying is it the jacket? or is there somethign else, even somethign as little as starting toget the sniffles or beign up late at night.

Maybe he should see you give away something of your own
to somebody who might enjoy it. Just a suggestion.

Seems to me like your son has issues coping with separation. At 11 this seems a little extreme so I would either get him some counseling or do some research. There are some great books that deal with these types of issues. Seems like you need to listen to your son and see why he gets so distraught over parting with "things". Talk with him regularly about donating things, passing things on when you no longer have use for them, etc. Make sure to emphasize that someone else will benefit from it and the object will bring them as much happiness as it did to him. You definitely want to start helping him learn to cope better now or it could manifest instead of getting better.

Wow, you have quite a few perspectives in responses so far. (That's good.)

My 11-yr-old has had this kind of reaction to various items (and situations). It almost doesn't matter how "attached" he is. It just seems that, in the moment, it appears to have an "end-of-the-world" grip on him. He can't let go for quite a while.

He is diagnosed with Asperger's, OCD and anxiety. His medication helps a great deal so these meltdowns happen a lot less now (maybe 4 or 5 times a year instead of several times a month).

So I know this can happen to some kids. My son's pediatrician wanted to put off sending him to a psychiatrist/psychologist but, with my gut/Mom instinct, I spoke up that I my concerns were big enough to ask for more help. His reaction was, like, no problem; I'll get the referral set up. Remember that you have a lot closer relationship with your son than the doctor does and what you see in your son is hard to describe well enough to share. So don't hesitate to speak up.

I would recommend that you don't demand extra chores or other ways to help pay for a new coat or jacket. Take him to the department store when you can and show him all of the possibilities out there. He will probably (I'm guessing, with what I have seen with my son) find that he would really like a jacket that fits him and is something you can afford.

Also, I would recommend contacting his aunt and uncle and find out 1) if the jacket is in their vehicle; 2) if they have a way to call about lost and found items at the football game location or can go take a look when they have time. If found, either stuff it in a flat-rate box and pay $4.90 or so to mail it or take a weekend drive for half-an-hour and meet them halfway. I have done this with a DS game which my son really loved to play but accidentally left behind at grandparents' house which is two hours drive away.

Something I would consider a situation where I ask my child to help pay back for it would be like my 16-yr-old and his headphones. He uses the more expensive game headphones because of the built in microphone and he is tough on them. I can tell you that my husband and I make him save up his allowance to buy replacements. After two new ones were ruined or broken within a couple of months of use, my husband and I just plain got tired of such lack of respect.

I, too, think there is transference of his loss onto these objects. Continue with the self-esteem building. He needs, it seems to me, extra reminders that he is not alone and is loved very much.

I think the idea of some breathing exercises was brilliant and be ready to spend more time with that. Lori Lite has some way awesome music, with meditation-like exercises and affirmation exercises for kids. I picked up some from Amazon and really like them.

When (if) your son won't let you help -- just doesn't want to listen, encourage him to draw or write. Don't direct the drawing. Just make it something to do. He will express himself without really realizing it and maybe that would be a help with calming him.

Let us know what helped/helps! Good luck,
D.

I know you've received a lot of great advice and forgive me if I am repeating anything, but is it possible he left something in one of the pockets? I know when that happened to us it ended up being something in the pocket that he was more upset about than the actual jacket.

This could just have been the straw that broke the camels back, maybe with all the changes and stress this was the breaking point. It sounds like it could be normal, but a counselor couldn't hurt.

When I first was reading your story I was thinking maybe OCD of some sort but when I got to the end and you mentioned divorce and the passing of his grandmother it all seemed normal. These items may be things that he can control. He couldn't make you and your husband stay together and he couldn't prevent his grandmother from passing away. I would be asking myself, who gave him the jacket? Was this a gift from Grandma. Even if you were the one who purchased the jacket he may be thinking that if he doesn't keep the jacket or the clothes in the garage that you may leave him too. Children tend to process fear and anger much differently and try to come up with solutions to prevent from happening again no matter how strange it may seem to us. Maybe you should sit down with him and discuss the divorce and the death of his grandmother and find out how he is handling it. And don't let "Fine" or "I'm fine" be an answer. It may be more than that or it may be that he just needs to be reassured that you aren't going anywhere or that there wasn't anything he could have done to prevent what happened and that it isn't his fault.