For the past year or more, my 10 yr old daughter comes down to sleep in our room every night. She is terrified of someone breaking in (even though we have an alarm system) and won't even go to sleep in her own room unless my husband or I stay upstairs until she falls asleep..........and then she is downstairs sleeping on our bedroom floor 2-3 hours later. I'm worried she is not getting enough sleep. And, my husband and I would like to reclaim some privacy in our bedroom! We've tried sticker charts with rewards for staying in her bed all night, walking her back up to bed each time, endless talks, prayers, we've watched the Veggie Tales movie about being scared, saying no to sleepovers until she can sleep in her own bed..........nothing works. (Actually, when she has a friend sleepover, she is not scared. She just wants someone near her.)
Has anyone been through this and found something that works?
What happened a year ago? Scary movie, news story, family member have a break in? She's 10 so quite capable of giving you clear answers. Something had to have happened to spark this anxiety as she was fine a year ago. I agree to have her talk to a school counselor or a therapist and get to the bottom of this. Good luck.
I was once this little girl!! My heart goes out to your daughter. One thing that my parents tried, that you might, is that they put a portable intercom in my room and theirs, so I had access to them anytime. You may not be able to find an intercom, but how about a baby monitor. I don't know if that would help at all, but it did calm my fears a little as a child. Maybe by just knowing that you are able to hear her if she needs you, it might help. Good luck!
Have you tried to include her in the safety of the house? Have her walk w/ you when you turn on the alarm, lock the doors and windows. I also like the idea of getting a monitor for her room so she knows you will hear what's going on. Also, my kiddo has a strand of lights hanging up and turned on all the time in her room (pretty stars). She likes it because then she is never in the dark. It's brighter than a regular night light but not too bright to sleep. You can find lights at most stores and they make all kinds, not just christmas ones.
I would also think back to see if something happened when this all started.
And don't watch or listen to the news when she is around!! News is scary and full of horrible things.
If I were you, I'd read, "Many Lives, Many Masters" by Dr. Brian Weiss. This doctor treats patients that have extreme fears by using a type of hypnosis called "past life regression." Ex: Extreme fear of the water - - he discovered that his adult patient had fallen off a cliff into cold, cold ocean when she was a little girl and was shocked at how deep the water was as she sank, sank, sank, and drowned. Perhaps, your daughter lived a past life where soldiers busted into the house and took away the father. Who knows? It'd be interesting to find out. In the meantime, roll up a sleeping bag at the foot of your bed, and let her know that she can come in and use it whenever she needs to, but not to climb into your bed anymore. After reading "The Family Bed" in 1985, my mantra for letting kids into my room was "Never offer, never refuse." P.S. For those of you that have difficultly believing that a soul can return, read "Soul Survivor" written by the parents of a little boy who drew pictures of WWII bombers when he was 2 and 3 and would wake up from bad dreams screaming about crashing and not being able to get out of the fire. They used his references to places, people, and the type of plane & researched and think they found out who he was in a previous life. They were able to track down the sister of the WWII pilot and she showed them a picture of her brother who did indeed die in a plane crash. In the photo, he was standing in front of the type of plane the boy always talked about.
I think her fears are real and you have to respect that. It will not improve with sticker charts or rewards. She needs to feel safe to grow out of this. My son had this issue and grown out of it at around 13. Baby monitor in his room, night light, sleeping on the mattress in our bedroom , sleeping with me in bed when my husband traveled– you just have to do it all, and whatever it is to make the child feel safe and secure even if it is inconvenient. She may even need a bedroom on the same level. The fear is real to her.
Have you tried putting a baby monitor upstairs so you can hear what's going on. I know she won't be able to hear, but if you tell her that you have the monitor so you can hear if she needs you and/or if anything were to happen, maybe that would calm her fears. Another idea would be to do some research. Check with the local police and see how often houses in your area are broken into. This is a tricky one and you are the only one that knows if this information would be helpful to your daughter, but I"m thinking if you live in a safe area, and there have been no break ins for the last 10 years, maybe that would give her peace. Maybe the stats show that most breakins happen while people are away from the house. Maybe they can share tips like, burgulars avoid houses with alarms (you have an alarm), burgulars aviod 2nd floor rooms (she's on the 2nd floor), burgulars avoid homes with good lighting outside (make sure you have good lighting). You see the point I'm making. Maybe that would make her feel better, maybe it would freak her out, you know, I don't. 2nd idea would be to make her a place somewhere downstairs...is there a guest room she can use? Is there a spot in the dining room that is out of the way where she can set up a pallet on the floor? I wouldn't make it too comfortable (like moving her mattress), but a spot that isn't in your bedroom. What about your closet? Most have a big master closet, could she sleep on the floor in the closet with the door closed? Just some ideas, hang in there.
Does your school have a school counselor? About 1.5 years ago someone's home was broken into in our neighborhood during the day. One of the suspects was chased through backyards with police dogs and a helicopter. I know one of the girls who lived in the neighborhood was quite shaken up about it (7 or 8 years old). She went to see the school counselor about it because she was afraid in her home. The counselor might have some ideas to help her deal with her fears. I think it has to be something that works for her in that overwhelming moment of fear. Not sure if I'm explaining it well but it seems fear in the moment would outway potential future sleepovers. The only thing I can think of is maybe a flashlight that she could turn on quickly. Our phones have an intercom system, so maybe something like that or a walkie talkie that she could use to call you right away in an emergency. Something that gives her the feeling that she can act on what she's fearful of, however likely or unlikely that event would be.
My 7 yo has been going through this. She refuses to go into her room unless someone goes in with her (she doesn't care who, any warm body will do). She can't tell us what she is afraid of. After major bedtime drama, she used to end up in our room on the floor at some point in the night. Over Christmas she asked to move into her 4 yo brother's room. She stays in there with him all night. The downside is that he will wake up early to go to the bathroom and instead of going back to sleep will see her and decide to wake her up. So she isn't scared anymore but still doesn't get the sleep she needs. I hope you find a solution.
what about a baby monitor in her room? it could be turned on at night only, and it might make her feel more secure knowing you can hear her. I became absolutely terrified of the dark and being alone after getting up one night to go to the bathroom (I was about six) and overhearing the tv news about a little girl who had been kidnapped at night and found dead. I'm still scared of the dark ;( good luck!!
Do you think she would tell you if something happened that could suddenly be causing her nightmares/fears? Aside from talking to her about the obvious... do you guys have a dog or is it possible to get her one? I would not be able to sleep when I'm home alone w/o my big mean dog lol. Just a thought. I know most people don't run out and get a dog on impulse but maybe it's something to think about? I keep up the prayers and positive reinforcements. Try rearranging the room and sleeping w/ different lights or sounds? Fans, air purifiers or noise machines? Good luck!
Is there a room downstairs that could be converted into her bedroom? Maybe it is not so much fear of burglars, but fear of being so "far away" from Mommy and Daddy? How is she during the day? Does she play alone in her room? Can she nap in her room?
My son used to refuse to sleep in the spare bedroom at my Aunts because it was in the front of the house and had two floor to ceiling windows. He used to say someone "might steal me". So she finally moved all of his things into the back bedroom - still had a window but it overlooked the fenced backyard - and he was fine.
When I bought my house I let him pick which of the two "childrens" room he wanted because both faced the street and I was really worried he would not sleep in either and I was going have to give up the master LOL. He picked the one with the big bush in front of the window so "people can't see me". He was 11 then. He still gets a little nervous whenever I have that bush trimmed in case it gets too low.
Maybe have a night time routine with your daughter that includes setting the alarm and checking the door locks and windows - I did that with my son for the first few months after we moved in....he now checks the door locks for me. :) Establishing a little "ritual" of night time lock up may held allay her fears. Also, have you ever set the alarm off so can hear what kind of noise it makes? If it makes sirens? Obviously you don't want to do this without notifying the alarm company so police and fire don't show up at your door.
And, most importantly, talk to her. Find out what exactly frightens her and then keep an open dialogue. You could also explain that you and your hubby need adult time and that no-one is getting enough sleep. She is old enough now that you can begin working through this fear with her.
