10 Year Old with Asperger's/ADHD

Have you tried getting occupational therapy for him? It sounds like he may have a lot of sensory issues that can be addressed with OT.

It is very stressful to have a child with a disability. Do you have any support? Someone to unload on? This is very helpful for those days when it just gets to be too much.

For his dressing: Try one item at a time. That is what we did. Start with the easiest thing he can do himself. Maybe it is pulling up his pants. Then move on to another item.

Let me know how it goes,
S.

This article may be of interest to you. www.buzzle.com/editorials/11-12-2005-81229.asp
I hope it helps. I have a friend whose child has autism and has done what this article talks about and has had very good results!
A.

Hi L.,

I'm a special educator and have worked with many children who have Aspergers. Picture schedules are a great way to help him become more independent. You can have basic picture for dressing... put on pants, shirt, socks, etc... be as specific and concrete as possible. Routine is imperative. Many of these children "think" in pictures. Boardmaker is a program in which you can create schedules for anything and everything. It can be a little pricey though... Check with his school, they may have the program and his casemanager might be able to print some pictures for you. Social Stories that are created for kids with autism also help when trying to teach important everyday life/social skills. They are simple stories with pictures any type of social situations you may encounter. I have tons of ideas.. if you have more questions, let me know. I hope this helps a little.

I have a nephew with this. The school has been very helpful sending him to classes to teach him things like social queues and how to behave.
Typical Aspergers kids focus on ONE AND ONLY ONE interest- whether it be rocks, math, physics, dinosaurs- and they are able to relate only on that level. They are unable to read social queues, knowing if a happy face means someone is happy, or a sad face means someone is sad. They are unable to understand your anger because they do not get it. They have to be coached.
It sounds like you need to seek even more counseling for him. Many counties provide these services for you.
My nephew went from being perceived as odd and unfriendly to being interactive and playful. I think this was due to the counseling. Also, my sister in law eliminated a few things from his diet and after eliminating those things, he began to feel playful again. This from a kid who never played.
They did the elimination diet You can find info on the web. They eliminated cows milk and wheat at first. And salicylates.
It is not easy, but it worked and he is remarkably different.

study: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/8869369?dopt=Abstract

You can try giving him (under doctor supervision for doses) vitamin B6
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/345827?dopt=Abstract

for info on salicylates, see
http://wisewitch.blogspot.com/2007/08/are-salicylates-evi...

Hi,
Funny enough that I open this up and I was about to post the same thing about my daughter about 2 weeks ago. Then it hit me..My daughter also has a hard time getting out of the house in the morning. She only has to get dressed, brush teeth, eat breakfast, and get her hair done. ALL of this takes almost an hour and nothing motivates her!
So, I always let her pick out her clothing AT NIGHT! But, I was thinking about trying another strategy..and it may seem a little weird, but worth trying.
How about, letting HIM pick out his clothing. That may be a motivator for him to put them on and then have them wear them to bed. Let him sleep in his clothing. So he wakes up a little wrinkely...at least you have eliminated that part of your frustration..this is just a suggestion.
Also, to the you part. Taking care of yourself and having "ME" time is part of taking care of your children too. When you are feeling good and have a little brake to yourself, then all the stress that you carry can be taken away for a short time and give you piece of mind. Even if it is only for a couple of hours.
If you want some suggestions of parents night out. Let me know..you can email me and I can drop a couple of hints to you. I recently had to start doing that myself because my husband is away and I have my four year old to myself at this point. Take care ok:)
E.

I've been a single, working mother in the past to just one child who didn't have any difficulties so first and foremost, I give you credit for what you are doing. Obviously, there are no easy answers. I don't have any experience with this particular syndrome, although I do have a nephew who we "think" has a form of it. I recently spent 4 days with him and I can see how difficult even the simplist of tasks can be. Their personality goes from sweet, loving and easy going to outrageous, mean and out of control in just one quick second. You said he was in counseling, but is he taking any medications? I know many parents are against medicating their children, but I know with my nephew the medication helped my sister-in-law, but more importantly helped my nephew feel better about himself. He understands what he says and does is hurtful, but he has no control over it so it makes him feel bad about himself. The meds really took the edge off of that behavior and made him have a little more faith in himself. Another thing...do you have any outside help from family and friends? I believe the best parent is a parent who does have time for herself. I know you say you don't need it, but you honestly do. If you are too stressed any little thing is going to bother you. If you had a day to yourself now and then, you'd be a lot less tense and maybe those little things would slide off your back a little easier. Do you go to counseling for yourself or have you looked into any other options of ways to help you through your stress? Any support groups, parent groups with the children involved? It seems like you're doing everything you can to help him. Now you need to find some things that will help you so you have a well-rounded parent child relationship. Good luck and keep up the good work!

Dear L. ~

Though I don't have a child with Asperger's Syndrome, I am very close to someone who does and I see his struggles every day with his son. We both have found a wealth of information and support online through this group in Philadelphia:

http://www.ascendgroup.org/index.html

Perhaps it will be helpful to you as well. I would encourage you to check your local area for a specialist in Asperger's and for support groups for family members. You are not alone in your struggle so reach out for help.

There are even summer camps for Asperger's kids:

http://www.mysummercamps.com/camps/Special_Needs_Camps/As...

Good luck and God Bless.

C.

My 4 year old dd and nephew have this as well. Occupational therapy has helped loads for both of them. My dd is seldom mean now. I seriously thought she was headed for military school before. A good OT can help loads. He or she can also give you some ideas on how to deal with your ds's issues from knowing him well personally.

The others have all made wonderful suggestions. If you don't have any books on sensory processing disfunction, you might want to
read some of these:

Raising a Sensory Smart Child by by Leslie Beile and Nancy Peske
The Out of Synch Child by Carol Stock Kranowitz and Lucy Jane Miller
The Out of Synch Child has Fun by Carol Stock Kranowitz and Lucy Jane Miller
Ten Things Every Child with Autism Wishes You Knew by Ellen Notbohm
The Unwritten Rules of Social Relationships: Decoding Social Mysteries Through the Unique Perspectives of Autism
by Temple Grandin and Sean Barron

Dr. Temple Grandin is an excellent writer and she gives a wonderful perspective into the life of a person with Asbergers/Autism. Between my sister and I, I think we have read almost every book out there on this subject. I don't think I really understood my dd until I read Unwritten Rules of Social Relationships. I understand a lot of older kids with Asbergers/Autism love Unwritten Rules as well. So if you leave it laying around, don't be surprised if your ds reads it as well.

My dh, my sister and I have all found if we can just get some handle on understanding our kids' world from their perspective, it helps with all of our frustration levels.

I know this might not help at all, but I am guessing your ds is having as frustrating time understanding and dealing with the Neuro Typical World as the NT world has in dealing with him. That could be why he is lashing out.

Unwritten Rules gave me a list of unwritten rules of social behavior that if I could just teach these things to my dd, she could get along a lot better. Also, Temple gives very visual ways of explaining things to our kids that actually help them understand what it is we expect of them.

Good luck! You are definitely not alone.

Hi L.,

There are two resource people that you can contact by e-mail that have experience with helping mother's like you that are dealing with children with this condition.

Dr. Laurie Dietzel at ____@____.com

and Dr. Katharine Leslie at ____@____.com

Hope this helps. Good luck. D.

my niece has aspergers and i know how hard and difficult it can be on the momther and the whole family. my sister had her in therapy and counsaling and everything else she could do and now she is a thriving 16 year old.She attends regular schools and is in regular classes and has all the same issues as other girls her age. she was held back in kindergarten but has never been held back since. she does still have difficulties related to her ilness but over all she is a normal girl. rest assured your son will be fine if you just keep up the couseling and nurturing. God will get you through this. love abby

My 1st cousin's son has Asperger's as does his father. He is a very gentle boy and his parents looked into getting him a service dog which is trained to calm them down and it has really worked for him. They had to go through a lot to get the dog approved to go to school, but there has been a big improvement in his overall behavior. Just a thought you may want to look into. God Bless!

We're been through some of this also & know that it's very difficult. My son is 9 & also has ADHA. We found a great physician & counselor who worked together. For a short time, we had him on meds which helped greatly. So, do you have a md that you totally trust & feel confident in? If not find one asap. Most medical universities have doctors who specialize in this. You may have to travel to find one, but it would be worth it. Secondly, have you considered medication.. We were reluctant to do this, but it was the best thing we ever did for him.
Second, routine, routine, routine. We established evening & morning routines which helped tremendously. He knows what he needs to do & the consequences if it's not done. Check out flylady.net. there's alot of posts about routines for children.
Good luck, hope this helps some.

Hi L.,
Using visual cue cards may help him. go to www.do2learn.com and you can print out a picture schedule for him. Children with Aspergers dont always process what is said and do better with visuals. www.mayer-johnson.com has a 30 trial of Boardmaker which helps you make picture icons.
Also a visual timer. The time timer ( you can google it) shows them how much time they have to get ready. there is a red sleeve that closes up as time goes on. You can also buy one with a buzzer on it if sound does not effect him.
I use these strategies with my 7 year old who has sensory issues and a hard time listening.
www.sensory-processing-disorder.com also has great ideas for children with sensory issues.
social stories may help as well. they are listed on that website.
Good Luck
G.

L.,

Wow, you got a lot of responses, some useful and some not. I have an 8 yr old with ADHD who was recently diagnosed with Aspergers. We found two things that worked.

The first is a poker chip system. We have a whiteboard in our living room with all the details written clearly. There are four columns: Schedule, Ways to Earn chips (things like turning off the bathroom light and getting ready for school), Ways to Spend Chips (trip to movies, or just watching TV) and the last column are behaviors that will lose chips. We took TV and video games away for a week until we could get the system set up. Sebastian is rewarded for doing things on his list every day. The the goal is to get things done the first time you ask him. The first week was good, but the second week showed a decline in behavior. We have family meetings on Sunday night to discuss the week. Our son gives his input as well as takes ours, and we agree on changes that need to be made. It's a team effort, focused on rewarding, not punishing. We were given this system from our doctor. It is copied out of a book called Defiant Children.

The second thing we've found to work well is positive discipline. It's a way to work with your children without yelling at them, spanking or anything negative. Time out works for parents and kids. (Mommy gets time outs too- to cool down). http://www.positivediscipline.com It has made a world of difference. I do still lose my cool, but my son feels better about himself, and my frustration level is slowly going down.

Please feel free to message/email me. I was a single mom for 6 years. Now I'm a stay at home mom with my 8 yr old and 18 mo twins. I do understand completely what you are going through.

Hi. First off, you are not alone. My son doesn't have this diagnosis, but he does have this attitude. He is getting ready to turn 7. When he was younger, EVERY morning was a battle. Some days we would show up at daycare in his pajamas and get dressed there cuz he would refuse to get dressed at home, but would say, 'I'll get dressed at school. Great, get in the car!'. The worst was in the winter when he would sleep in the footie sleepers. He'd be so warm and comfy that he wouldn't even let me touch the zipper. There were several times that I missed my carpool or was late for work. Finally, a co-worker suggested something that I tried. It worked and I've been using it ever since. He suggested having my son sleep in the outfit that he was going to wear for the next day, minus shoes of course. That way all I had to do was get him downstairs, grab a drink and out the door. My husband was horrified at the thought. I told him I didn't care, he wasn't the one that had the drag-out battles every morning, we were doing this. Its worked like a charm. My son thought it was cool. We started to do this every night and when I told my hubby how well the mornings worked, he started doing it without question. We do this Sun - Thurs. nights. Sometimes on Fri. or Sat if we have to get up really early. Since he's older now, he sometimes does it on his own, without my telling him to do it. When he doesn't sleep in his clothes, he sleeps in his underwear and fuzzy robe. That way he HAS to get dressed.
As for the temper changes at the drop of the hat, we give him 'a heads up' and relate it to the time on the digital clock. 'When this show is over the clock will say 7:00, you need to turn off the tv cuz we are leaving.' Some days he argues, but most days he follows the request.
One thing that I've learned is that I have to keep my tone as neutral as possible. I have to make everything a request or favor. If I 'tell him' to do something he fights back, but if I 'ask him' to do something, he'll usually do it.
He too says hateful things when he gets mad. He never says them to Dad or in front of Dad, just to me. No one would believe me that I wasn't causing the problem until he had a meltdown, that's what I call them, in front of my SIL. She was like, 'Wow, now I get it!'. Like when I make him go to bed and go in to say good night. He begs me to lay with him, if I say no, he'll say that he hates me and wishes I wasn't his Mom. I just look at him and say that's very hurtful and you can say what you want but I still love you and I leave the room. Most of the time he'll call me back to say that he's sorry. That's not to say that I haven't lost my temper with him and been just as angery and haven't said hurtful things in response and it doesn't mean that I don't go cry myself to sleep. like when he kicks and screams and says he hates me, I sometimes say 'yeah, well, your not my favorite right now either! I feel more upset when I say those things to him then when he says them to me. So I try really hard to keep my temper.
Sorry to babble, just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. I hope my suggestion helps you.
M.

I don't have your exact experience, and unfortunately I don't have any advice, but I wanted to just say to you that I feel for you. My oldest son, who is 13, is severely ADHD, and we just have to wake up every morning with a fresh start. I know what you mean about how it is so hard to be patient and understanding. I know! So I do wish you luck. Go to the schools, seek out psychological second and third opinions, search the internet. Call CHADD. There are resources out there, and I'm sure they will help you. Good luck! Jenny

How I got my boys to put their clothes on when the task seemed impossible (more often than seldom) was turning it to a silly game. I asked them to 'put on the ear warmers', holding up the socks. 'Put your pants on', holding up the shirt, explaining that the tail goes to the extra hole. Etc.

I started this game at the preschool, sometimes I still have to do it with the 6 year old. Our struggle turns into giggles every time.

Hello L.,

Let me assure you that things will be okay and it does get better regardless of what others may think. My son is now 15 years old, but when he was born he seemed like any normal beautiful baby, Stefan grew as other kids but he had differences in speech, language and his actions. After many miss-diagnoses, deaf, autistic, retarded,etc. At 18 months old he was diagnosed with a Pervasive Developmental Disorder, it falls under the umbrella spectrum of autism; at that point he was said to have the sense of a 12 month old baby and I started crying.

Stefan did not speak any words that seemed understandable, basically mumble different things. While he did not dress himself, He was very independent at a young age, in terms of finding foods that he liked; he would go to the pantry or refrigerator to get what he wanted to eat; it was amazing. He played by himself, did not interact with his family much, he would not give me a kiss. To top it all off he had his nights mixed up with days, meaning he slept during the daytime and up all hours of the night. Working fulltime was so difficult for me, thank goodness I had a great supervisor at work. One of the doctor's at the kennedy Kreigher Institute in Baltimore told me to place my son in an institution, but something inside me told me to take my son home.

At the time it was not apparent as to the reasons God grave me a son with these problems after having three other healthy kids, but the mere joy he brought into my life is more than anything I could have imagine. He laughed for no reason, just because. I’m totally thankful and grateful to God for my son; that little boy gave me things I was lacking, like strength and patience. He wore only red for years-- pants, shirt, and shoes and the only sandwich he eats is a PBJ.

Today, let me report to you that my almost 16 year old son, is an honor roll student, he is in a school base learning center as well he is involved in the church and with other activities. This past weekend he went away for the entire weekend and played a solo in the band that he plays with. The possibilities are endless I know right now it seems bleak don’t give up on your son, seek help from support groups, they are out there. I’m not sure in what area you are in but there are many schools and centers that have curriculum for children with disabilities. While Stefan still likes the color red, he’s able to pick and choose what colors he wants to wear daily, he still struggles with the language barrier on the cognitive side and still only eats a peanut butter and jelly sandwiches I consider my son to be a great young man.

A doctor at Children’s hospital in Washington DC once told me that I had to become an advocate for your son so that’s what I did; once we were out and I ask him if he washed his hands when he went to the bathroom and people looked at me strange because my son has no physical signs of disability but if you try to talking with him for a little while you would realize he had some problems.

Find things that your son likes and even if he doesn’t always do what you want don’t stop; you never know when there will be a beak through. May God bless you and your family and best of luck with Matthew? You can do it~

Jacqueline

A short answer for this question is...
Pick out the clothes the night before with him and lay them out.
If that doesn't work, then let him get dressed for school at night and he can sleep in his clothes. It might seem extreme, but it might be a real relief for everyone!!
Good luck!

Asperger's and ADHD can be a difficult mix, I would imagine. I suggest that you search for support associations for those specific disabilities (separate association for each) and look over their web sites or contact the local chapters. These associations can be an awesome source of specific advice and support.
I hope that he is getting the special services in the school that is due him by law. If you need help with that issue, feel free to contact me, I am very experienced in special education advocacy from when my LD son was in school.

L.,
What have you been doing these past five years in terms of getting training and counseling for dealing with the children with Aspergers? You make it sound as though you just are now dealing with these issues. Has it suddenly escalated? Talk to your doctor, get on line and find the web site for this disorder from NIH and link yourself to an organization that will give you advice and training on behavioral and communication issues. It is not fair to Mathew that you are not getting this type of education. You obviously are not able to do this on your own. Nobody with out formal training can. Go get profesisonal help if you truly want to help you son.

Well I hope that your son gets better, you have to be patient with him because its the right thing to do. I have a little cusin that had the same problem but he's with his oother mother in i don't know where. Just hang in there ok.

T.

L.,
Our school, Cedar Lane Elementary in Asburn, has been having talks and visits in the classrooms by a man named Kirk Martin with Celebrating Calm. He works with kids that are "Different" and have trouble fitting in due to their unique and special qualities. He is coming to our school on April 1st at 7:30PM. I would highly recommend coming if you can beg someone to babysit for you. Check out his website and sign up for his emails. His emails alone help me regain perspective on things but his talk blew me away. You could always buy his CD package which is discounted at the meeting by 50% but still $125, I think. I may split the cost with a friend myself and we can share the set. The link to his site is www.celebratecalm.com
Good luck with this. Maybe I'll meet you at the meeting.
M.

L.: I just facilitated the board meeting for a school called Ivymount in Rockville, MD. It is a remarkable place, go to www.ivymount.org. They have a phenomenal Aspberger's program (as well as programs in autism and other learning differences). I can't say enough about this place and what they do for kids. In the meantime, one of the women on the board is Lisa Greenman. She helped start the program there and has a 12-year old son in the program. I happened to meet his teacher last night when I was there - she was fabulous. You can e-mail Lisa at ____@____.com her E. McKay recommended that you contact her and she will help you. You are not alone. Good luck. Let us know how it goes.

My 10 year old son has Asperger's. It is has been a long road to get him to where we are today. For us, Concerta is magical. Without it, he is not capable of putting his shoes on. With it, he fully dresses himself (this is a huge accomplishment). We have wonderful resources at our school and through Johns Hopkins. I am happy to talk with you about our long journey to get to where we are at today. Send me an email and I'll give you my phone number. ____@____.com

I do not know much about autism or Asperger's, but I do know about being stressed to the max. Trying to take care of children and work fulltime can be very hard on a mom. I can not even imagine trying to do it alone.
I am a mother of two, one child, 12 is ADHD, and the other, 5, is VERY strong willed. I have learned that doing things in advance (such as lunches, or laying out clothes) can be helpful. I ask my 12 year old to make sure he has all of his homework together in his back pack ready to go at night for the next day.
I also have recently found that a quiet time in the morning for me to just pray and get my head together can be very helpful. You have to make time for yourself. You need and deserve it. Try getting yourself completely ready to go before waking your son. Give him plenty of time to get things done, and the more routine you give him the better he will do.
Most important, be patient with yourself and him. This is a challenging condition. Do not beat youself up for not doing things the way other's expect you to. What's wrong with helping him dress himself? Start small. One week let him do his own socks and shoes. Then next week add pants.
From what I understand, consistency and routine are very important. Changes can impact him big, so slowly work with him on one thing at a time. I have met children with Asperger's living normal, happy lives. Give yourself credit for what you already are doing, and let the rest work itself out. You can do it!

do use a reward system with him?
I would set up a chart with all of the things he needs to do to get ready in the morning: put on your socks, shirt, pants, commb your hair brush your teeth etc. For each task he does he gets a sticker on the chart. If he completes all of the tasks then reward him with something special. I'm not sure what your son likes but he could choose time on the computer, candy.....
The chart will help him visually know what he needs to do and hopefully motivate him into wanting to dress himself. Good luck :)

I have heard of some parents, with limited morning time, dressing their children before they go to bed. He would wake up in the clothes that he would wear that day.

Is there a reason that he might really dislike school--a reason that he doesn't want to go? It could be something at school or it could be that he doesn't want to be away from you.

Would positive reinforcement work for him? He gets a star for putting on his socks or having a good morning and after 5 (or whatever number) of stars he gets something special. Positive reinforcement always works better than negative with my children.

Do the counselors have any suggestions?

Good luck. You have a lot on your plate! Make sure that you do take some time for yourself because it sounds like no one is taking care of you. You need to replenish your energy so that you can do the best you can with your children.

Have you tried a behavor chart for home? If he gets so many checks or stickers he can whatch TV or Go to the Park. Sometimes it's enough to make them do the things you want them to do. I totally understand your frustration. I use to work with children with many disabilities. UIntil I felt I was called to be with my son. I'll be sure to say a prayer for Mathew and you too! For God to equip you guys with tghe tools you need. May God Bless You