10 Year Old and His Father's Family

Baby steps. Make the visits shorter and in more neutral locations to ease him into things and help create a bond. I was away from my father for many years because of the military (both my dad and stepdad were Army and never stationed near each other). My dad did keep in constant contact, but this was way before email and skype, so it was a strained relationship to say the least. It just felt awkward. Let Dad take him to dinner. Go to a movie or arcade. Save the sleep overs for later.

Would you be willing to invite his dad over for dinner at your apartment? Your son is comfortable in his space and seeing you welcoming him in would also aid in his adjustment. Or meet at the park. Suggest an activity that isn't just your son sitting there having anxiety trying to figure out what to say or do. Also, an activity has a specified timeframe.

Can you invite his dad to attend things so your son sees him on more neutral territory (like his dad at your son's events rather than being along at his dads)?

What I find is that the parent gets visitation but the child has to come visit the parent's home and be in their life while the non-custodial parent doesn't make themselves a part of the child's life.

Talk about you son's father in good terms even when he's not around. How about going onto Familysearch.org and working with your son to put together a family tree so he can feel connected with them. He can even share this information on his next visit. It's hard when your son's father doesn't understand that relationships are forged not born but by working with your son it'll make things better.

Is there a legal bond in place? Is there an ability to get some family counseling on this? Honestly, it's not about his dad, it's about your son. He's heading into puberty so it would be nice if dad was part of this, but he needs to be a POSITIVE part. If his grandparents are a good influence, and you have a good relationship with them, perhaps they can help facilitate the relationship. Maybe do "family" events where son is with grandparents AND dad to "ease" into it. I agree with SB - small steps, neutral places, fun things to do. Sleepovers are too intense.

But definitely look again at any custody docs you have. And if they need to be updated, maybe that would be a good place to start. Your son is getting old enough to make relationship choices, and he should have a voice in this.

This needs to be a transition. This is not going to happen even after 12 visits with father that includes the grandparents spending time all 4 of them together.

This father may need to visit with a family counselor to get an idea of how a child's mind works.

Father will need to be mature enough to understand this is not about HIS needs or feelings, but what his son needs.

It is what it is. This is not "normal" and so it will totally depend on what son feels comfortable with.

Your job is to support your son, but not hinder him.
Try to remember the good things about dad. You must have liked him at one point and for a reason.

Also remember, any bad things people say about dad, can strike to the heart of the child. There is a lot of guilt children carry because of parents behaviors. We know we are supposed to love them, but when we do not, it makes us feel like bad people.

Also in this case, your son can feel a great obligation to you with his feelings. He will fight to NOT like or love his father as much as you, but if this were to happen, he needs to be reassured it is ok with you. You want him to have 2 healthy parents in his life, if possible. Let him know people really do have enough love for lots of different people.

I adore my mother she is my hero. She stood up for us and took a lot of grief on our part from my father. He honestly thought she was the one that was stepping in.. or making up our reasons for not wanting to spend time with our dad and his girlfriends or wife.

The true problem was that my father was VERY immature and had no clue how frightened we were of him.

Family counseling helped me and my sister lose some of our guilt about how we felt about our father. And over time he realized how he was immature, selfish.... and an Alcoholic.

Encourage your son as much as possible. Try to let dad be the dad he is. Try not to interfere if possible, But also listen without assumption to what your son is expressing.

In our case, my mom could really drag out the negative in my father. When in reality, I look back and wish she had listened, but not continued to speak poorly of him in front of us or to others while we were around.

But I can totally understand her resentments, he was a real piece of work, but he was also just a product of his own childhood. It took me having a child to realize this.

Ask dad politely and nicely if he would start with taking him to a movie, bowling, ball games, (go with your son's interests of course!) Better yet, have son call dad and say, would you please take me to ....... Harder for dad to resist! and less of a feeling like mom just doesnt want to or doesnt want to pay for.... Maybe you could even spring for a gift card for their first outing, just to get the ball rolling in the right direction.

Perhaps, instead of putting all of this "adjusting" onto your son's shoulders himself (and I know you are not intentionally doing this on purpose)... THAT... your son's Dad AND his parents.... need to go to, perhaps parenting classes or some sort of counselor. SO that... THEY learn how... to deal with a child. Which they are not used to doing. ALL these years.
IF they really are sincere and loving and want to HELP your son and understand that he is a child that does not know them... THEN they will do, whatever they need to do... so that your son is nurtured and so that they can learn "how" to be.... a parent and be rational stable Grandparents.
AND so that, your son knows... that they are, doing something responsible in order to understand him, too and help him.

I don't believe, that it is "only" your son... that has to do all the adjusting and changing and coping.... in order to be with them.
They should be, too. And do what they need to do, to be a good role model and family, too. For him and with him.

He is a child.
He cannot be, ALL responsible for this... all the family drama or their difficulty, with it.

In other words.... THEY need to bond with your son too. AND should realize... that he is a child. That does not know, them.
Being biologically related... does not instantly make them... trusted or liked or okay, for your son.
LISTEN to your son's cues.
You are the only one, he has... to count on. Or to hear him.
You are his shoulder to lean on.
They are not.
Or may not be able to, be all that you wish they would be.
But you need to realize that, too.
For, your son.
Not making him all alone in it and him having to be the one that does it all.

I would not force him, to go there.
Or he can go there, but with you.
And if he and his Dad, don't "bond".... then they don't.
Kids can have gut feelings too. Listen to your son.
To his feelings on it and his cues or instincts too.

You as an adult, have a hard time with your Ex.
So, your son needs to know, that it is not only him.... that this bothers.
He is a child.
You need to be his shoulder.

Try to do a lot of shorter day time visits for a while, like lunch at dad's house or what not, so they can get to know each other a little better before overnights.

I agree with AKMom - they need shorter visits to get to know each other and gradually work up to overnights. If your son is on a sports team, invite dad to the games and then to have pizza or hamburgers with the two of you after that. It may really help your son if YOU are able to socialize with his dad. Lead by example.