Seeking Advice on How to Deal with a Very Dishonest, Hurtful Ex

I have been there and still am there. I completely understand. If you want to talk you can reach me by email at ____@____.com. I also use yahoo messenger under the same name. I have a story too and unfortunately I am at work and don't have the time to write it all here. Contact me if you want and maybe we can help each other.

I am feeling like we are one in the same. My ex is ALWAYS dishonest, he "says" he doesnt talk bad to the boys about me but i think he just has a very sneaky way of doing it. I feel your pain E....it is not easy. I keep my kids 2 weeks at a time, he gets them the other 2 weeks, every single month. I know that you have lots of negative feelings toward him and Im sure that sometimes it is very difficult to restrain from talking negatively about him BUT...it does get easier. I have been separated 7 years, divorced 4 of them. He still makes me angry, I dont agree with a lot of the things he does, but..he is their dad. Even though they are older now and know how he is most of the time (evil), when they were little, they loved him to death. They dont understand at 6 and 2 what to believe and not to believe. They know that you are the mom, he is their dad and that things are not the same. Your 2 year old wont remember ANY of this. My youngest is 9, he'll be 10 in August, he doesnt remember his dad and I ever living together.
I guess what Im trying to say, your feelings are legitimate. You will always miss them, (wait until the day they come home and run straight to their friends!) Your ex may or may not ever grow up. If he does, great, if he doesnt, you take him to court to get the kids full time. It will never be easy to see another woman "trying" to raise your kids. Most likely, when your children get older, if he has various women trying to take your place, they wont like either of them.
Divorce is rough. Unfortunately we dont get how brutal it is on the kids when we decide to move forward in divorce. Try not to think about how hard it is on your end, more than likely, the little ones feel lost, so you need to be there to pick them back up, dust them off and let them know everything will be ok. Which is where the ex's lies will not work on them. They will see how loving you are and at some point, will come to resent dad and see him for who he really is. I hope that this makes sense and that my thoughts are not all over the place but they probably are since my ex is a sore subject for me too. 3/4 of the time I post to this site, it concerns him,....go figure. Good luck, and keep that head up.

Hi E....
Boy do I know where you are coming from! My children were 5 and 2 when their dad and I divorced, and he did nothing but bad mouth me and have girl after girl around them to the point that every other weekend I was hearing a new girls name. So believe me...I know the frustrations you are going through. It is such a difficult situation to be in, but let me say first, you are doing the right thing in not stooping to his level and bad mouthing him back...because even though the kids do not really "get it" right now, they WILL. And the oldest will for sure remember how you were the one with the level head and never threw out negative comments about his dad. My daughter (who is the oldest) is 14 now (will be 15 soon), and she tells me that she knows her dad said (and still to this day says) bad things about me, and that she knows I held back. My son is 12 now, and like the other lady said, he doesn't remember too much. But both children will take your lead and even though it does not seem like it now, they are watching you both very closely and measuring the whole situation on a subconcious level.

My situation is very, very complicated, and many things have happened in my case that I don't want to go into publicly in the forum. But if you would like to contact me personally, I'd be more than happy to write back and forth with you and help you in what ever way I can...because it sounds like I've been through what you are going through...and it DOES get better!!! It's not easy...I'm not saying that at all...but having someone to talk to through my divorce and my struggle with my kids and situation in general would have made it much easier for me. So please feel free to contact me if you'd like. I wish you the best...keep your chin up! Good luck to you and your family!

My parents were divorced when I was 2 and my mother, although young, made a very adult decision: She was going to let me see for myself who this man really was.
She never bad mouthed her ex to me. He was no part of our lives so it wasn't a big deal. When I got a little older and I had questions she answered them delicately yet honestly. He proved to be a total and complete 'you know what' and I got to find that out for myself, my mother never tainted my mind.

In total opposite world lives my step-fathers ex-wife with whom he had 3 children.
She had typical custody of the kids and we saw them every other ____@____.com - ____@____.com EXACTLY. Although she had absolutely no frame of reference she would spend those two weeks literally branwashing the children. She told them absolute lies and horror stories about their new stepmom. They would come over (reluctantly) on Friday terrified of my mother and pretty much ignoring me. By Sunday afternoon they would have lightened up enough to have a decent meal before they went home. We would all drop off the kids happy and laughing - well, she just couldn't take that. Let the punishment (only fishsticks in the house, nothing else) begin followed by more and new horror stories. This went on for years.
The kids eventually warmed up and learned to act one way, the nice way, with us and sulk when they went home. It was the only way to live for them. The point is this, even though it took a while the kids saw their mom for what she really was, just as I did with my mothers ex- and we lived with the opposite parents, one doing good and one doing bad. As adults in our 20's and 30's niether the kids or myself have anything to do with our bad 'parents'.

Don't fight back with negativity. Keep the peace, diffuse lies, ignore your feelings regarding his words. Your children will grow up to see the difference between a different "playmate" ;) every week at their dads and the stability and honesty of their mother. BTW, good job on taking it slow with the new guy and the boys. Check out the latest Parents mag on 'new boyfriend/dating' tips. Great article!

I sympathize with your situation, I too have been there. My ex constantly calls me names in front of our daughter, is a complete loser as a father, and my daughter also put him on an undeserved pedastal. Unfortunately, what he is doing is "not against the law". I know this is not what you want to hear, but you need to continue to do the right thing, refrain from making negative comments, and be happy that at least this man is in their lives. Believe me, they will be able to see for themselves who is their PARENT, and who was the person that cares for them, makes them better when they are sick, etc. Always do the "next right thing", especially where your children are concerned. My daughter realizes what a loser her dad is, and I never had to say a word. Find others in your situation, or talk about it with family and friends if you need to vent. I know it hurts your feelings, but remember, you always should do what is best for the children, and at least for now, that is to spend time with their father. Eventually, they too will see, give it time, and continue to do the right thing. You will ALWAYS be able to hold your head high that you did.

Hi E., I have read the other responses before I posted and I will say tons of us have been there.as hard as this is ...you have to let go and trust god.
I know I used to tell people who said that to me "yeah right" but after I did it I had alot let stress about it. Its hard because we as mothers do not think anyone can take care of our kids the way we can...just continue what you are doing to be a great mom, and in time as they grow up they will see for themselfs the kind of man he is, trust me. stay strong and keep your chin up, you will make it through this, and some day you'll look back and think how did I ever get through that time.

Have you spoken to your ex about his behavior? If you cannot speak to him about this, do it through your attorney. It is not looked upon favorably in the court system for one parent to slam another. Just hand in there and be the best mom you can be, the kids will eventually figure out that you are the kind person you are and do things that are in their best interests. (Which will probably be when they are grown, but then you can become the grandmother and spoil the daylights out of those kiddies!)

Hello E.. I can understand how much you miss your children, and I am sure they also miss you when they are at their dad's. One very important thing to remember is that they are only children and will eat up what they are told, but when they get slightly older they will begin to resent thier dad for all of the "bad talk" he has about you. Just continue to be their mom and re-inforce that you love them always and will never stop loving them. If you feel like dad's house is only fun time, you could have more fun time when you are with them without spending lots of money. My kids love sitting down together and playing board games (even if they don't understand how to really play). Things will get easier as they get older. However, I would keep track of the things that you find very un-appropriate b/c IMO the 50/50 time is not a good idea when the children are in school and have school work and assignments and activities. If your 6y/o is in school now, I would keep tract of his homework to see if he does as well on his work when at his dad's as he does at your house. Once again, IMO it is important for children to enjoy school from the begining.
Best wishes to you and your little ones. Take big deap breaths when the little ones rattle on about the fun at dad's or the other women and tell them you love them more than anything else in the world.

I'm sorry your heart is breaking,E.. Honestly, though there isn't much you can do about your ex but take the high road. Your boys are going to love him regardless because he is thier father. We all have an inner loyalty to our parents even though we know they are flawed. I doubt you want them to feel like trophies in a competiton with him, because they'll start to believe their father's lies, by acting as irrationally as he is betraying you to be.I'm sorry you also have to carry to sole burden of being the only example of a mature , decent,responsible human being in their lives but it must be done for their greater good. If you have the strengh to work 2 jobs and maintain a house with two boys you'll get through this. There are support groups in most local churchs for the divorced .If you attend a place of worship this might help .Just going from being a family to being single is hard enough without it damaging the kids even more with the process.

Hi E. Yes, I have been in this situation. My ex said the same things like "your mommy dont want the family to be together" & "Its because your mommy has another boyfriend" to my daughter which was only 5 at the time. (by the way I never had another guy then) And she would look at me like I was the bad one. And even though she was 5 years old I had to explain to her like she was an adult that it was just because mommy and daddy were not happy around eachother. Then I asked her wouldnt she like it if we were happy and she said yes! To this day him and his family say bad stuff about me and my new boyfriend in front of Hayley. Theres really nothing you can do about it. Honestly!! You have to wait it out until he wants to grow up and quit the childish stuff.Your children might think that Dad is the fun one. But they know that you care about them. And they will grow up knowing that you was a good person by not talking about their dad in front of them. Kids remember everything!!! Good Luck with your problem!!!

E., I'm so sorry your ex is being such a schmuck. I have never been in that situation, but I can tell you that people who have been always say that your kids will grow to respect you for being the stable one who took the high road. At some point, they will resent your husband for bad-mouthing you, especially since you refuse to play the same game with him.

Now if you feel that there is some danger to your children by him having strange women in and out all the time in their presence, that is something you would need to take up with the courts. He has to be responsible about who he brings around your kids. Big hugs to you and I hope you can get past this with him!

....LF

I don't really have any good advice for you as I have never been placed in that situation, but I just wanted to commend you for being such a wonderful mommy. You are handling your situation with such patience and responsibility that I know most single parents cannot handle. There are so many divorcee families where there is a lot of going back and forth between the parents saying awful things and the children are stuck in the middle. I know because I grew up with it. I really think that if more divorced parents would act with the grace and care for their children's emotional well-being, there would not be such a stigma about coming from a so-called "broken home".

I think that you should talk to your ex, as non-confrontationally as you can, and tell him these concerns. Try to have the conversation geared more towards the concern for your children's emotional development than for your own sanity. It might be more well received if it's more about them than you. If he's a good parent, then he will see that what he is doing is hurtful, not only to you, but the most important people in both of your lives.

I can't offer much advice, but I wanted to let you know that reading your story made my heart hurt for you too. What an aweful situation.

I think all you can really do is continue to be "the grownup." Keep doing everything you can for your kids, and even if they don't understand now all the sacrifices you're making and what a child their father is being, someday they will, and they'll cherish you for it.

I do remember being a child who had to go visit my father. I never enjoyed it, but my parents divorced when I was 2, and my father was an alcoholic. Once in a while my father would drink and start saying things that made me very uncomfortable (nothing abusive, mind you). Chances are, your children FEEL that the bad things their father is saying just aren't true. Yes, they may miss him, and it pays to be fun, but I'm sure you're fun too. And who do you think they'd go to if they needed someone?

Keep on doing what you do. Even if they don't appreciate it now, they will. I promise ;)

Hi. I don't have any advice but wanted to let you know that there are others out there who can sympathize with your situation. My ex has recently started taking my son every other weekend and I am having a very very hard time with it. As is my son. He is a very selfish man who will not compromise on anything...and we're not even divorced yet! I hope things get better for you soon.

Hi E.,
This is probably one of the most heart breaking situations you will have to face. My son's father was the same way for many years, but the bad mouthing of mommy was much more severe. Unfortunately, if speaking with him and explaining that you don't want your children in the middle of his bad mouthing and woman switching doesn't work, you might have to endure this hurtful situation for a few years. I would contact someone in child services. See if the situation is worth them looking into especially if it is affecting your children in a negative way. Maybe they can set them straight. If not, you will need to wait until your children are old enough to understand what mommy does for them (although they will never realize exactly ALL you do for them until they are parents themselves) and that daddy is being resentful and 'playing' with too many different women. My son was the same way for years...he thought daddy was so fun and mommy was mean and such a drag up until about 5 years ago. He was 8 and came to me and thanked me for being such a great mommy and taking care of him. That is the best thing to hear from your child. Him and his father are not close at all anymore and he understands that the things his father did and said were to hurt me and not him. Hang in there if you can. If you can't change the situation, when your children are older, they will change it for you.