Hi,
This question is specifically for moms of an only child. I have a 4 1/2 year old son who is smart, creative and independent. He goes to prek for a few hours a day. The teachers tell me he is doing wellin school. When he is home, he spends most of his time playing independently with his toys. He has a great imagination and will often spend over an hour playing by himself. I have friends who envy this and tell me they wish their kids could play for that long independently. We have only lived in our neighborhood (Little Neck) for about 2 years, and I have not had too muck luck finding other children in the neighborhood for my son to play with. He does have playdates with children from his school and with my friends' kids. But these playdates are occasionally. For the most part, he plays with himself at home. Yes, I take him to the park and he has been going to various classes and activities since he was a baby, but still he prefers to be on his own.
While my son is more than happy to stay at home and play by himself, I feel guilty that he does not have a steady playmate (like a sibling). I also feel guilty that there are not a few neighborhood kids that he could play with on a regular basis. I also feel guilty b/c even though he has playdates, I think if given the choice, he would prefer to play by himself! I am concerned that when he goes to full day Kindergarten, he will have difficulty socializing.
What do you other moms of only children think? Do you experience the same things? Any advice?
Thanks in advance!
I also have a 4 1/2yr old son who has no problem playing by himself. My husband and I had very lengthy discussions on what to do. We came to the conclusion to put him in soccer and T-ball so he can have that extra socialization and to learn team work. It has really helped!!
First, Guilt is money paid on a debt not owed. Pointless and self-destructive.
Second, if your child is doing well in pre-k and the teacher is not concerned about his socializing skills, you shouldn't be either. It is important to recognize that each person is different. Some people prefer alone time. I was an only child for almost 13 years. I preferred my own company to others until I was in high school, when I had a very active social life. But alone time is still important to me. My 6 year old is and will be an only child. He is perfectly happy to play by himself but at school he is Mr. Social.
My advice is go with the flow and don't worry about him. Just because he likes to be/play alone does not mean he will have difficulty socializing. And trying to find situations for him to socialize now if he doesn't really have the desire will not necessarily improve his social skills. Follow his cues and stop feeling guilty! :)
Elaine - I am an only child and I have many friends who are as well. We always laugh at you people w/ siblings b/c you just don't seem to understand that we are content with ourselves! Pls do not take offense, I mean none whatsoever. Bottomline is this - he sounds well adjusted and you are trying with the playdates. Allow him to help dictate what he likes, etc. When he goes to kindergarden I am sure he will b efine and socialize well. He does so already! He will grow up to have friends and laugh and be a normal kid. Trust me.
You sound like a wonderful mother, so keep up your good work and celebrate your son's independence. Good luck to you Elaine.
Love -
A well adjusted and perfectly content independent singleton ;)
There are groups for families of only 1 child- Look at the attached website it shows mother's groups in NY - maybe you can find one that fits your needs/wants.
http://sahm.meetup.com/cities/us/ny/new_york/
HI Elaine,
My son is the mirror of yours. His Pre- K teacher told me that he often played "near" other children but was content on his own as well. When we went to a park he'd engage other kids and then would play with them for a while and go back to playing by himself. His teachers all told me he was helpful and social when he wanted to be and they were not concerned. They also said it would benifit him later on in the school years because he will be able to acheive projects and other none group activities easier as other multi sibling families all seem to need eachothers help. Cut to the chase he is 6 now in Kindergarten, social butterfly has play dates and still enjoys his alone time. He sometimes would get overwhelmed with too many children crowding around him. I see that as self preservation and trying to slow the pace where he has some control. When a child can self entertain that is a bonus for both of you, he doesn't get bored easily and you can do what you need to do and know he is fine. Also I have spoken to many friend who were only children and asked if they regretted not having a sib. All but one said of course there were no regrets, they were the center of their parents universe, the didn't have to share everything all the time and they felt they had the advantage of being around adults frequently and other children when they went to school so their maturity level was higher at certain times of their lives. I too had have bouts of guilt not giving my son a sib, but he is definitly not suffering for it. A. B
Hi Elaine,
My son is 2 1/2 and is a semi only child. My step daughter lives out of state and comes to visit once a month for a weekend and stays with us for the full summer, the rest of the time my husband and I joke that we have 2 only children. Actually, I had a question back to you, has your son always played so well independently? My son can play independently but 90% of the time he needs constant attention he is very demanding! Although he definitely has a wonderful imagination and he amazes me everyday, I'm thinking even as only children they all have there own quirky personalities. And I agree with your friends, first I don't think you have anything to worry about and second I'm also a little envious!
From another Mom of an only child.
Also, my husband is an only child and says he loved growing up as an only child and getting all of his parents attention to himself. As an adult he is a very confident, intelligent, caring man who loves his family.
It truly depends on the personality of the child. My daughter was an only child for six years and only liked to play with other children. While her peers were content playing with their parents she wanted to be involved with the kids and interact with them. I always had to play barbies with her and never would she play independently.
My second child is alot different than my first. He, like your son doesn't want much to do with other kids. I don't have to play with him during the day because he is content playing legos and toys by himself.
When my daughter gets home from school it's a different story. They play and interact till bedtime. She is the only child he really enjoys playing with.
I am fine with this because he is happy. If I felt something were missing or he needed to have more interaction while playing with children then I would definately try to encourage it more.
Some children, like adults do enjoy more time alone than others. I am confident our children will become more social one day.
I too worry about kindergaten with my son. But then again, seeing children in my daughter's school, even the shy, socially "challenged" children do fine. They usually do better then the ones who want to talk in class and giggle during story time.
I think unless he is not happy with the current state of his social life then I would continue to do what your doing. The occasional playdates and classes he's taking seem to be great for him.
Maybe if your house is typically quiet during the day this may encourage the independent play. Try putting on some groovy music to stimulate the social side of him.
I have an only, a girl who just turned 4. I sort of have the opposite problem, as she will not play by herself, and if she does it's not for very long. She gets bored. I also feel guilty tht she does not have a sibling. I was very worried about socializing as we didn't have many playdates. She takes alot of classes and i have a few friends with kids her age, but everyone is so busy. I signed her up last year for preschool a few hours 3 days a wk. now she goes 2 full days, basically for the socialization. She has a hard time and would rather spend time with the teachers....she is very verbal and likes to be with adults. She does ask for playdates and we have more of them since i have met more moms thru school. School is getting easier and she is playing more. I think every kid is different, and you just need to expose them...I would try to hang out with kids that he will be going to kindergarten with, this way he will feel more comfortable. Does he have fun when he has a playdate?
I am an only child who has an only child. Both he and I are capable of self-entertainment, a skill often missing when there are siblings. I would definitely spend extra effort to keep him social, but as long as there are no apparent social issues or anxieties, I would be thrilled with the fact that you have a child who can be by himself. Personally, I think that as humans, we often lose out on alone-time. Learning/knowing how to be independent and how to entertain yourself is a valuable skill and something that will serve him well throughout his life. Good job on raising a boy who CAN play by himself.
If one child works for you, dont be pressured to have another just so he has company. It isnt necessary, in my opinion. Friends, cousins, parents, pets, etc., are all great companions. We should also all be our OWN companions. I am a firm advocate of one child (if you cannot tell). We are all so very busy in our world today and children are not getting enough attention from already busy parents. If your life is hectic, maybe one child should be enough. Just my opinion and no disrespect intended for anyone!
I totally understand how you feel. We have a 3 y/o "only" and we love him muchly. I tell my husband that I hate that he is only. I am 43 and hubby is 51. I was high risk (fibriods) and the doctors said I was going to miscarry, but thank God I did not and he is a happy boy. He is in daycare and he loves it; actually, so do I b/c he is very clingly to me when he is home. I have an idea for an "Onlys" club -- parents of only children. God-willing in the spring we'll plan activities so our children can have fun outside of school. Maybe you can do something like that in your community. I was surprsied how many "onlys" their are.
Blessings.
My son's an only child too. He's now 10 years old and the worst problem we've had is that some of his peers do get jealous of his giftedness. He's just too good at everything. He even started school 1 year early and is in 8th grade algebra. (The 8th graders are actually better behaved than the 5th graders.) My son is very social and even calls up his friends to chat about the latest toys or gossip. He tells me that he plays with different groups of kids depending on how he feels that day. The principal even told me he's impressed with the group he sees him playing with all the time, because it's the most diverse group he's ever seen.
I really don't think you have anything to worry about. Your son will socialize more when he's ready or needs to. I remember my son didn't really like to play with other kids when he was a preschooler either, because "they break toys." (That's what he told me.) He even called them "babies." He used to hang out with the teenagers at church and kung fu, under my supervision. Now, he'll hang out with kids his own age since they are more mature now than when they were preschoolers. So please do not put a guilt trip on yourself. Most only children are very happy and content.
Elaine,
Rahima Baldwin Dancy: You are Your child's First Teacher.
I think you are doing great with all that you tell us you are doing. I don't think he'll have a problem at all - he doesn't have a problem on the play dates, it sounds like. He is only 4.5. :)
Good luck,
M.
Hi Elaine, My daughter was an only child until just before 5. She was everything you described. She loved to play by herself and her imagination is through the roof. She also had a pretend friend and eventually a pretend "older" sister (who still comes to visit every once in a while). She has lots of friends and loves to play with them. But I noticed that she also preferred to play on her own. I remember at a parent teacher conference I asked how she played with her friends. They said that she did play with her friends and she was also perfectly happy playing by herself if they were playing with something she didn't. They assured me that that skill is very important and wonderful to have so early on. Alot of children don't know how to entertain themselves.
It sounds like you are doing everything right, your son sounds very happy.
Enjoy,
K.
I know you're specifically asking for responses from parents of only children - but I was a Kindergarten teacher at a boys' school. Most children "parallel play", that is play next to other children rather than a real back and forth, until Kindergarten. It sounds like you are giving him all the opportunities he needs to be in peer social situations. Independent play at this age is normal, important, and wonderful - especially if he can be social at other times.
