Let me tell you what happen in the last 1yr 1/2. My mother died, my husband and I made the choice to take my dad in. We sold our houses and moved into a big one together. My father is driving me crazy,, he won't get involved with social groups( centers and stuff like that). All he wants to do is read my mother's journals and books that she never published. He rants and raves about her. He also picks fits with me, hords garbage, I will throw something out it would find its way back in the house or my kids hands.
He won't go out or find a companion. All my brothers are tying to set him up woman, not happening. I go out on playdates with frineds and our kids, he wants to come. How do you have girlie talk with your dad there??
It is affecting my marriage, my temper, my life......HELP ANYONE!!
Maybe you could get him a dog, or something, an animal that will force him outside. and people always seem to open up to animals in a way that human to human contact can't.
Hello. I know exactly where you are. My mother died and we have my father living with us. He does go out. We introducted him to the singles dances which he goes to now on the weekends and has made friends. I haven't had any of my mommy friends over because of the fact that he's just hanging around the house. I feel your pain. All I can say is that maybe you and your brothers could encourage him to go to the singles dances because he could make some friends. You could put it in a way that it's just not about finding a female companion, but more of a way to make some friends to keep busy with during the week. I had to remind myself that it was his lifelong companion that died and I couldn't rush him into anything. I did tell him that he can't interfere with my husband's and my parenting. I reminded him that he had his chance to raise kids and now it's mine. I told him I respect his opinions but give them only when asked. It's difficult. I know..
Sounds like your father isn't ready for social interaction yet, and you shouldn't push him. He needs to grieve in his own way - I strongly suggest grief counseling as well. I'm sure there is a grieving support group he can join; contact the local senior center - I'm sure they'll be able to provide you with references. What you CANNOT do is ignore/reject/minimalize his grief. He's having trouble letting go, and you need to acknowledge that. Best of luck to him and your family.
First, I'm sorry for your loss and hope you've had a chance to mourn yourself. As you know, your father isn't dealing well with his beloved wife's loss. He's still in mourning. You said he reads her old works that were never published. So how about having him choose some of her best work and send it off to publishers? He can find information about how to get work published, the proper format, and such at the library. Then if he does get her work published, I bet it would be like memorializing her forever. She'll continue on in more than just the memories of her loved ones.
If he doesn't get her work published, it will be something to pass the time and hopefully heal him in the process. Then he can start focusing on more than just his loss.
My mom died almost 12 yrs ago (just 3 weeks before my first daughter was born) and my dad became extremely dependent on me. I love him w/all of my heart, but the worst thing I would've ever done for my family would've been to pick up where my mom left off. I tried everything I could aside from having us all move in together somewhere. Not that that wasn't considered, but once my dad came to terms w/the fact that my mom was gone, we encouraged him to date. Your dad will do things in his own time, but sometimes trying to make them do something quicker then they'd like only makes things harder. My father went from one extreme to the next - he must've been engaged at least 4 times because he was trying so hard to find what he had w/my mom, which is next to impossible. Is there anyone that your dad can speak with, or maybe take advantage of the next play date you have. If the other mothers there are aware of what you are going thru, maybe they can offer some suggestions with him there. A neighbor of ours lost his wife a long time ago and he still wears his wedding band & chooses to spend the rest of his life alone. In some ways that is to be admired - my dad went from my mom dying to not looking at another woman to wanting to marry them all. Luckily my dad did meet a woman who tolerates him just as my mom had & remarried last Sept, but she doesn't fill his whole heart w/love i'm sure like no other woman then my mother would. Maybe this is something that you need your dad to just open his eyes up to and go along for the ride with him. Good luck!
Hi L.,
I am so sorry for the loss of your mom. How wonderful that you have made your dad part of your family. You did say that you and your husband made this decision - what about your father? How did he feel about this? Perhaps he feels a loss of his independence and privacy. He is grieving. It is disrespectful to try to set up a widower on dates when he is not ready to date.
I think that when an aged parent comes to live with you, some expectations need to be set up. It sounds like he does want to get out, but get out with you and you of course want your own friendships. I would let him know that these playdates are moms day out and that he can have his own days out, not as dates but by joining groups or clubs, and a support group for elderly folks who have lost their spouse would be a good idea. If the things that you're throwing out are yours, I'd let him know that it's not okay for him to override these decisions - if the things you're throwing out are his, I don't think that's okay.
Perhaps even some joint/family counselling would help, just in terms of setting up expectations of your co-living arrangement.
Good luck to you
I just wanted to say that I remember growing up while my great-grandmother was living with us. It was very difficult on my parents. But I have wonderful memories of her and of growing up with her unconditional love. I hope you can work out your differences so that your children will have that experience as well. Instead of a social group see if you can find him a support group for grieving widows/ers. He'll receive the support he needs to help him move along in the grieving process and may even make some friends.
your story is so sad. Your dad sounds depressed and lonely. You really just need to support him to help him through this. He was probably with your mother for many years and doesn't know how to live without he. He raised you and cared for you when you were a child so now it's your turn to be patient with him. He will get better. I think it's a great step he at least wants to go out on play dates with you. I would include him in all things like that. It would even be a good idea for just you and him to go out one night a week. Take him to the movies or to bingo.
Or you can coordinate a night in with some friends at your house for poker or games. Something he would be interested in. Even if your not that close to him or you had a strained relationship in the past he is your father and he needs you right now. I know you have a family but he's your too. This is also a great example for your children. There will probably come a day when they are in the same situation your in and you will need them to care for you.
Let him get through this with ease. Stop trying to set him up. He isn't ready for it. This will probably take him a while.
I am sorry for the loss of your mom,that must have been terrible. Your Dad just does not know what to do with himself right now, his life is in a transition. If it were me,I would have a serious heart to heart with him and tell him everyhing you are feeling in a loving and kind way. Explain to him that having friends his own age would be so helpful to him. I had a situation with my Grandpa like yours and I understand,but try to be patient-its not always easy when you have children too but over time you will see things will work out. He also needs love because he is going through a tramatic time in his life as well as you and your family. I really hope it works out for you and him. Family is so important-Good luck
Dear L. F., how long were your parents married? Please although the time is difficult please exercise patience with your father, sounds to me like he is still grieving the loss of his wife, your mother. It appears he is not ready to date just yet, time and God are the only healers. Perhaps have him visit your siblings more often perhaps he can spend weekends with them so that you can get a break. Taking care of a parent is difficult but it's honorable what you are doing. I wish you the best of luck and God Bless.
I'm sorry you lost your mother. It sounds like you wanted to help your dad cope but instead his inability is affecting you rather than your strengths affecting him.
Well, its hard t know how long it will take him to heal. A year is not that long!
I do suggest finding a support group for grief counseling and taking care of a parent. You can do grief together ot alone first to see what other people are going through and if it will help him. Maybe in a hospital or community center these are usually free. Also does he have siblings ir do you to take some time with him away from you?
And who came to the funeral, maybe he can visit with some friends of theirs as a couple who will give feedback he needs right now.
Just tell him u love him and can't give him what he needs but want to help him find the comfort and understandng he needs thru his old friends, family and a support grp for him.
This may sound obvious, but have you talked about this with him? A sit-down, no distractions, "we need to talk" kind of conversation?
Here is what I would recommend (and I did something similar with my mother-in-law this week, after putting it off for a year): take some time and write down a list of what you would like from him -- kind of "I would feel really loved if you could try to...." not in a guilting way, but in a way that gives him motivation to overcome these other habits. (Take a look at the book The 5 Languages of Love -- a short, helpful read.)
Also before talking to him, write down a list of consequences. We're all a bunch of 8-year-olds, right? Consequences still help us make good decisions. Something like, you can hoard things in your room, but anything in the rest of the house will be thrown away. Trash that finds its way back into the house can make the kids sick, so you won't be able to eat at the table with them until the trash is gone. If he wants company, then he needs to be part of the community, and so he can make choices that honor everyone involved (including honoring your house rules and your identity!) The trick is to not do it in anger or create a power struggle, but to remain calm and in charge. Your house, your rules. I wonder if it would work to say, no playdates with us unless you have an outing on your own (to a senior center, a church/synagogue event, whatever) -- then when he goes, make a special outing with him and the kids.
I don't know -- I'm not in your situation. Please don't take these ideas as me being a know-it-all ... I'm brainstorming ideas. Probably the best idea above is to check out the 5 languages of love book, maybe even read it with your dad, and ask him what he's longing for, and answer that same question yourself.
Everyone has given such wonderful advice. You father is still greiving. No other lady can fill the void left by the loss of your mother. Instead of trying to get him out why not invite some people in. When my grandmother moved in with my aunt(her youngest child), they found a service to provide companionship for her during the days. It was another senior citizen woman. They would talk, do housework, play cards, cook, and take walks. It was wonderful and kept her dignity. Perhaps something like this will keep him entertained. You may even want to consider grief counseling for all of you. It can't be easy to loose a life partner, companion, confidant and best friend. Be patient but set your reasonable boundaries.
I'm not sure if someone has suggested this yet, but it sounds like your dad could use a bereavement group. He needs a time and place where it is okay and even encouraged for him to talk about your mother all the time. This can be a very hard adjustment for someone who was married for decades, especially a man who may have been very attached to or dependent on his wife. Contact your local hospice program to see if they offer any groups... they may have some information or resources to help you deal with this situation too. Good luck.
Dear L., My heart goes out to you. My sister took in our mom after my dad died and is also going crazy. The only difference is my mom is 87 and not all the same issues. I hope someone can help you. Some of what you say is part of grieving. Others seem as if he is displaced and having a hard time adjusting. Try to be Patient with him and Remember to take time to also grieve the loss of your mom. All I can do is pray for you and your family. Grandma Mary
Hi L.,
I know how you are feeling I took my father-in-law in when my mother in law passed away. He lived with us for 17 years and passed away two years ago at 96. I went through the same issues however I had to realize that he came from a different generation and I had to learn to either accept his quirky ways or let them drive myself crazy. I think it is important to set boundaries in a kind and loving way. When you are not angry maybe you can explain to him how his behavior is effecting your household and that he needs to compromise on certain things. If he is still grieving then you need to let him do it. In the meantime you need to explain that you need your time away from him and that in order to all co-exist there has to be rules. My father-in-law grew up in the depression so he would hide food in his room under his bed, I became infested with mice!!!!! I freaked out. He didn't have the best hygiene habits so that was an issue, he would get urine all over the bathroom floor when he used it. I remember one time he used my best cooking pot to soak his feet LOL!!!!! It was far from easy. But my husband helped out a great deal because it was his dad. Discussions coming from him was much better them coming from me. When my father in law was on his death bed when he told his family that I was his angel. There is no greater joy then helping out and caring for someone when they need you. I think you just need to try to ignore some of the small things and address the big ones. Living with parent's or in laws is not for everyone. If you can't make it work then maybe look into a nursing home facility where he may be in a better situation to socialize and move on. Good luck I know how difficult it is.
first, it's great you took your dad in. My suggestion would be to find some old guy for him to hang out with.... like drop him off at the mc Donald in the morning(or any place old men hang out).. eventually he will buddy up with someone. (be cool about it do just shove him out of the car). as for the setting him up with other women... that's not going to work for a while if ever, he's still in love with your mom.
good luck and don't let him push your buttons.
Sorry for your loss. I know it is hard but it is still new. I don't think you can force your father into dating. But you should talk to him. Tell him how hard this is for you too. Take him on a playdate once in a while but also let him know that you need that time for you. Just be open and honest. Tell him you want him there but the way it is now is not working. Give it a little more time too. It takes some people longer to deal with loss.
