Just Need to Vent

Having read your update:

Here's what I would do...ahem...notice the *I*, every one is different and there is no way in blazes I would say what YOU should do. My family dynamics are my own, as are yours. Regardless, I would be wanting to a) be spending as much time with my mum as possible while b)NOT BEING RESPONSIBLE FOR HER so I could actually soak up as much of that time as possible, and not be resentful/exhausted/stressed/guilty/miserable...which would happen if I was the one responsible. And I've worked in healthcare for a while. I'm trained to do it and the answer is NO WAY. For my son, I would never leave his side...but I'd want someone there to help ME; but for my Mum I would want her totally in someone elses capable hands.

1) Hospice.
- Either In-home or at a facility.
- If her insurance doesn't cover Hospice, good social workers can "find the money"...from phenomenal places that do sliding scale...to Catholic Community Cervices...to pro bono programs...to grants...to etc. etc. etc. (One of my best friends is a MSW at Cancer Care NW, and this is a big part of her job...that and family counseling.)

2) Contact Student Services & my instructors.
- to find out about taking incompletes or HW's or both
- deal with my financial aid (if applicable...a hardship withdrawal for example doesn't effect aid in some places, in other places an "i" grade doesn't...it all depends...but it all requires paperwork.)
- any other services that the school might offer

3) Talk with my husband
- Maybe some people would do this first. Me...I like having info to look at to help us brainstorm. But like I said...this is what *I* would do.

4) Find out what services my husbands job offers.
- From paid leave to
- Grief counseling to
- Emergency Childcare subsidies to
- ?

5) Figure out what I'm going to do & a strategy for dealing with my (extended) family...so I can be strong in my decisions, and in feeling right about them.

Good Luck.
Even if NONE of it is what YOU would do, I hope there's an idea or two that might help.

Venting not only lets us think out loud, which frequently lets us find solutions faster...but keeps us from choking the next unhappy idiot that crosses our path. Always good to avoid choking people. Unless they really really deserve it, of course.

May Peace be with you, and find you; even during midterms, teething, and family dysfunctions.

Hi L.:
What sad news to come,at any time,much less when your carrying your mothers second Grandchild.This all must be terribly heartbreaking for you. While I certainly can understand your disapointment,or disgust in your brother at this time,At least he was man enough,to break it off with his wife,instead of using her as a caregiver for his ailing mother,while he carries on an affair with his friends wife! You do realize,that this has most likely been going on for a while. Your sister in-law IS a saint. She has probably been miserable in her relationship for some time,yet she stayed to make sure your mother was cared for.Your mother,not only grieves,because she has developed a terminal illness,but because she feels your SIL sacraficed her marriage taking care of her.You won't be able to convince her other wise,as she refuses to believe her own son,would be unfaithful and disloyal to someone so compassionate. He appears to be an extremly selfish person.Thinking of only himself,during a family crisis such as this. You can not rely on him right now for anything. This isn't something,you should be handling on your own right now. Not merely because your pregnant,but because you have a daughter and husband to care for also. When patients get this sick,and need assistance,The state they reside in will provide (Hospice) help. Someone will come in and stay with your mother,and provide her medical care,and treatment.This is paid by the state.They are very well trained,and treat patients with alot of loving care. You may want to spend a couple days of your vacation,to fly up,make some phone calls,and make sure shes taken well care of. If you aren't able to do that, then have your stepfather make the calls,and have them evaluate your moms condition,and get someone in. Your first thoughts,will be those of guilt,because you want to do more,but L.,you really are not capable of giving her the care she needs right now.You and your darlin mom will be in my prayers.

Don't feel guilty or because you aren't physically up to the task. Guilt is for when you've done something wrong. Since you brother has I'd suggest to him that he pay for a nurse to come and stay with your mom since his actions have lead to this problem. If it will make you feel useful, offer to pitch in too. Your are being selfish but for your child's sake and in a good way, which is what all Mommies are meant to do-put the child first above all others.

Illness and dependancy do bring a lot of stress to other family members. It is no doubt hard to face what is happening to your mother. It's time to talk with your brother. Why isn't he staying with your mom when she needs help? His soon to be exwife is not responsible in any way for her care. He needs to step up. This is his and your responsibility. Given your situation, he should be able to show concern for his future neice or nephew.

I don't think you should go to your mom's to sleep on the couch or to assist her should she fall as that could obviously be dangerous for you and your unborn child. With that said, if it is possible you should still try to see her. Can you go with your whole family and stay in a hotel? Could you just pay a visit and spend time with her? While you are there, maybe you could help make arrangements for her to recieve care.

I am looking at this from the perspective of someone who has lost both her mother and mother-in-law to cancer. My mom passed away before I even met my husband, but my MIL battled cancer during my entire pregnancy and survived only long enough to be in my first child's life for a year. We all took turns taking care of my MIL. I mostly kept her company, which is all you can really do when you are pregnant.

I just want to bring to your attention that you are probably venting because there is some guilt there. Maybe to alleviate your guilt you should plan a visit in the near future. Trust me, when you lose someone you love you don't want any regrets. Your immediate family comes first (hubby, child and unborn child), but your mom still needs to be a priority. Somehow, you have to find that balance so when the time comes, you will find yourself at peace with your choices.

Okay... beyond the back story of the situation... FIRST and foremost is you are pregnant AND have a 4 year old child AND you MUST take care of your pregnancy and child FIRST. And what about your Husband? Doesn't he get input in this? You have a home and husband and child and an unborn child.... you cannot just go "AWOL" on them or your body.

You cannot be a "nurse" for your Mom, right now, since this seems like a "high needs" care-giving situation and in a medical sense. Believe me, care-giving is not easy... and especially since you are pregnant. I did care-giving for my Dad... and it took our whole family of 4 to do it. Leaving this "responsibility" upon 1 single person, who is pregnant... is not appropriate.

You can get hurt, fall, injure yourself and what about your 4 year old daughter? Where is she going to go while you sleep on your Mom's couch, and how is your Hubby going to "like" being a single parent while you are away?

Your Mom has a husband... and they both need to decide, as a couple, HOW your Mom will be cared for. This is not your "sole" responsibility since your brother is so self-centered and irresponsible.

No. If I were you, I would not, nor could not do this. Care-giving is ongoing, everyday... and will, as she progresses in her illness, get more demanding. Her Husband needs to think about this, and hopefully WITH you and your Brother... work out a solution. Going for 1 week on Fall Break is one thing... but then there will be other needs too... what if you have to go there for EVERY school break you have? You Mom will need ongoing care everyday... how will this be handled?

It would be good if a home-nurse could come in and assist.
Remember, once you have the baby, it will be very busy... and you will have TONS and TONS of responsibilities. Your 4 year old daughter will need you as well, as SHE adjusts to having a "sibling." You "cannot" predict, you many "needs" YOU will have as a new Parent of 2 children, PLUS a Hubby who needs you too. This one short "Fall Break" stint...could very well turn out to be a regular "need" and your having to go there more often.... have you though of that? What then?

Yes, the admirable thing would be to care for your Mom, and leave your home, to care for her...but ignoring your own pregnant condition and Husband and 4 year old daughter. Then you will be very stressed... and then how healthy will this be for you... as a Mom of a newborn?

You must put your family first... and your pregnancy.

If anything, perhaps you Mom would also benefit by being in a support group for her illness, or your Dad.

Perhaps my response is not that "empathetic"...but I have been there and did lots of care-giving for my ill Dad (my whole family did including my Husband)... and believe me, with a pregnancy and an upcoming newborn and a 4 year old and a Husband... AND your Parents living so far away... it will just not be very equitable. You will burn-out... in more ways than one. You NEED TO THINK AHEAD... and to other demands as your Mom gets sicker... they may need you to go there more often or for longer periods. Perhaps... ASK YOUR OB/GYN... and see what he/she says... and then if you are so far away from your own home and family, how will you go to your monthly prenatal doctor visits and check-ups and ultra-sounds? You plan to drive back and forth from town to town all on your own? Remember... you will quickly get farther along in your pregnancy... and your tummy will grow, and your physical ability and even driving ability will change. You NEED to consider these things as well. If it were my Hubby... he'd be VERY concerned about my own health and condition if I were pregnant and having to do this.

All the best,
Susan

Hi L.,
I am very sorry to hear of all this. More so, I think your brother sounds pretty selfish. But, beside the point right now. So why can't you go spend your break with your mother, as the two of you need to spend this time together and see about a caregiver for her. She needs someone there and you can't do it and your brother won't (so don't expect it).

Your brother will have to live with himself, so don't worry about him. As for your SIL, she has done her share for the family and will probably always have a special place in her heart for the family.

Keep in mind, your brothers thoughts of divorce are not final yet and many times couples patch these things up so don't get involved or tell him off too much. Perhaps SIL needs a break. Beside...men are often have a need for attention.

Well, make sure you take care of yourself.

Check if the medical insurance covers home health services.

Tak cera of yourself & the baby and explain to her that the couch isnot confortable. You can have a hotel near her home or sahre a bed with her some days but not 24 / 7 .
This situation need a cooperation & coordinating from your brothet .
You can't do everything especially you are pregnant .
get an affordable live in nanny for her or part time nanny.

good luck