I Want to Move, Hubby Doesn't. How to Solve This Issue???

A marriage counselor once told us "no always wins in a marriage".

Until you can convince him to be a yes, it seems you two are at an impasse.

I was figuring this would be some big life-event move across country etc. but it's a one-hour move. One hour.

You can drive to your beloved beach town often since you are retired and live one hour away! Do it to recharge. Do not wait for him to go with you. Take a friend for the day, go alone, take a group of friends.

It's not clear to me either if all the crime, trash, etc. that you cite affects you, directly, in your home. You say he loves the neighborhood; is that because he just does love it, and is oblivious to crime on your doorstep or trash in your yard, or are those issues not in your immediate neighborhood? That makes a difference. You are not going to convince him of those issues being move-worthy unless they are in your immediate area. If they are not -- why do they concern you so deeply, unless maybe you used to go into the city daily and experienced them there?

I wonder, based on the post, if there is more going on between you and him or in your own life: "There is NOTHING that interests me here at all anymore. I'm depressed and cry sometimes...." Have you sought any counseling to see why you blame your depressed feelings on your home and the area, or if there are other reasons you don't recognize yet? As someone else noted, have you got any interests that are all yours, and do you get out and volunteer at least, since you do have time?

I wonder if your area would seem more liveable to you if you were volunteering at the library, a literacy program, the Red Cross, a local hospital, a charity resale shop, or if you had hobbies where you got out and met others with similar interests--? Do you do those things now? If so -- then yes, your issue is the house, but if you do not have any outlets or interests -- maybe you need some new and engaging outlets for your time and energy so you are not focused on the house and your desire to move.

This is the most important thing:

Many of us feel at times that "If ONLY this one thing would happen, all would be perfect again." The idea that "this change will fix everything, including my depression and my lack of interest" is a dangerous idea -- often the change isn't the answer but is just something that we focus on to take our minds off the real issue. I don't know what that real issue might be for you, but is there one lurking behind this strong focus on city and home?

Very often, once we get that one thing that should make everything perfect, it's a letdown. It becomes routine, mundane, and our old issues come up again. If you move to the beach and later on still feel depressed or like nothing is of interest, what would you do next? You feel good there now because it's an escape. Once you live there, would it still be an escape?

Are you willing to ask yourself those things, and to explore them perhaps with a professional so you know if the issue really is moving and not something deeper?

Can you afford to buy a small beach house or condo. If not, how about renting a house for the summer.

Also, it sounds to me like you need a hobby or volunteer work. You are way too young to just sit in your house all day.

Best of luck!!

I know you wrote this post looking for a resolution to your impasse with your husband over moving, but the first thing that leaped off the screen at me was that you seem mighty depressed. Before you try moving, talk to your doctor about depression. The thing is, even if you do move to your lovely little beach town, if you're depressed, your depression will pack up and move with you.

I am married to a man who was convinced that if he just found the right post-retirement job, he'd be happy. He blamed his persistent unhappiness on his job situation. He'd been through 5 jobs in five years when he decided to seek treatment for the depression he'd previously refused to acknowledge. With the help of medication and a good therapist, he is making progress. My family is slowly getting back the husband and father who had been MIA for some years, although he'd been physically present.

In the meantime, if you can, drive to that beach at least once a week, if it brings you peace to be there. An hour's drive is an easy day trip.

What Leigh R said. He's happy because he has made a way of life that makes him happy (the tinkering). I am close to your age and my last will be going to college in the fall.
it's very hard to make a life over again. My family has been my pleasure and my life. This is the year I started to work on me. I started with diet and exercise. I feel better about life each pound I drop. I talk to more people at the gym. I like to pick brains for all the info I can get and the spark of life they give me. I know I will have more confidence to do what I want when I achieve small victories. I want to take art classes, nutrition classes, bible classes.
Try to fix the here and now first. Maybe like Dorthy in The Wizzard of Oz, you can find that happiness lies in your own backyard.

If you had only a few years left to live, and you had to stay right where you are living the life you are living now, what would you do differently to really LIVE life instead of sitting in your house all day?

I ask this because your post reminds me tremendously of my mother-in-law who demanded the same thing (moving to a beach town in California so she could really be happy and live life for a change) for years while fighting with my father-in-law about their impasse. If she ever got her wish, she was going to sit on the beach all day and paint lighthouses. Instead, she worked ridiculously long hours at a job that made her miserable and complained about not getting to live her dream. And when she wasn't working, she went home and sat and complained about how depressing her life was.

She died two years ago at the age of 62 from cancer which made her so sick, she spent the last two years of her life bedridden. She died in her home only an hour or so away from the lighthouses she wanted to paint and never so much as broke out her painting supplies in the ten years she lived there. It was one of the saddest things to me about her death.

If you are being robbed every week, if your home or cars are being vandalized, if your personal safety has been threatened...these are all reasons that would make a move worthwhile. But if you are simply dissatisfied and unhappy, you'll take that with you no matter where you go.

K. i'm sorry to say, i don't believe outward "things" make us happy. not tangible items, not geography. you are either happy - or you aren't. if you aren't, it isn't because of geography. i would suggest counseling. honest. it is a wonderful thing. good luck, i wish you all the best. the true secret to finding happiness is realizing you have it in your power.

You are retired in your mid 50's!! That is something to be proud of. Go empower yourself... volunteer in schools, help your neighborhood improve.

I second the idea of buying or renting a small beach house for a getaway to relax, reenergize, etc.

What are your children's thoughts? How far away would you be from them and grandchildren.

You are FAR too young to be sitting in your house all day. There are so many opportunities for people to volunteer or better yet, get a part time job doing something you love.

FWIW... our daughter will be heading off to college in the Fall of 2013.We've been in this Dallas burb since 1989. I LOVE it, it is growing, business is booming. However, hubby wants to move to the beach, Hilton Head or Pinehurst and I have no interest in that. We are seriously considering a condo purchase, probably in the area where daughter will be in college which will be a nice area and have the best of both worlds.

Think positively!!

Why do you think you will magically be happy living there?

What can you do to improve your attitude about where you are living now?

Can you rent a house for a few months and try living there to try it on?

Rent a cottage getaway and keep your home. Find something you both like a lot. Ease into it. It may be enough for you to have a place to "get away". You will both have what you need and not have to be resentful.

I wonder if my husband and I will have this issue someday... My dream is to live on the beach. There's something renewing I feel about the ocean or a very large body of water. I think some people have art, some have cars to tinker on, and some of us really love the water. I'm in a different stage of life so can "put off" my desire to live in a beach town. If I was retired though and it seemed like it would never happen, it'd be a hard pill to swallow. So likely you are somewhat depressed but I'm not 100% sure it's all that vs a real desire that would make a difference in your outlook if it was fulfilled. Is he basically saying you will never move and so a dream of yours is dying? That is depressing especially if your current town really has zero charm etc. My mother retired somewhere she doesn't like and they're too old to move now and it's tough on hrer. And I understand why she misses our hometown. It's a great town with so much to offer. Sometimes an environment/town has a real impact. So - if this is a lifelong dream and your husband does not want to move there, I think there should be some compromise. If it's a more recent desire, than it could be escapism. You think all will be better if you move but it ultimately won't. I would start driving there several times a week. An hour really isn't long if you have no set schedule of things you have to do like little kids, work etc. And then can you shave 15 min off by moving to the very inland outskirts of this town? That would decrease the risk from storms and 45 min to his parents' house isn't much. Definitely rent this summer if you can. If you're mid 50's, you should have 30 years left. Whether you live in your current town or the beach town though, you do need to get involved in something... So you can take steps - drive there, find a PT job or a volunteer thing or classes for awhile, rent this summer, start really getting to know the area and options. Buying in a town is always easier if you've lived there for a while. You get to know really what neighborhood you want. See if having a plan makes you feel better. If it doesn't, then likely this is an overall depression that you need to get treated. I would imagine mid 50's, kids gone, no "purpose", and a town you don't love could lead to depression. Even if you loved your town, you might feel a bit lost. Seems like lots of steps you can take.

Get your feet wet by renting in that area, even if it's just a few weeks. Many realty companies also manage rental homes and condos and you can stay a while and get a feel for everyday life.

Since it is only an hour away, it is worth considering a long term rental or a routine rental for part of the year, IMO.

Sometimes I'd like to move, but we are still paying on this house and it's a good area overall. DH just wanted a house with a few key features and when we married, I just moved in. If you didn't have much say in moving to the area years ago, is this more a matter of the area or your feelings with the initial move, your family, etc.?

My husband talks about wanting to move. He has talked about moving out to the country, or to a different province, or just to a larger house in the same neighbourhood. I have absolutely no interest in moving. I have lived in this neighbourhood for 42 years and this house for 17 years. I have told him he is free to go, but I will not be joining him. That is just how strongly I feel about it. If it is only a 45 minute drive to the beach, why are you sitting in the house? Drive to the beach! Or, as the other ladies have said, buy or rent a cottage, and visit each other.

Your house is paid for, so go rent or buy a small cottage where you want to be and you and your husband can visit each other.

The only person who can make you happy is you. So dig down deep inside you and find it. Your children have grown and moved so now you feel or have the "empty nest syndrome". Yes it takes a bit to find you but it can be done.

The beach/shore is only an hour away. A short drive. So go there and rent a place. Find a job there and see if this is doable. Spend time there in the summer and witness the storms and such and then make your mind up as to whether you could live there.

Meet in the middle. Hubby feels that since the house is paid for, the parents have the 6 car garage nearby to tinker in it is a no brainer. You feel that since everything you knew has gone there is nothing. But the town offers much you just have to go out and find and do it. Take a class on gardening, cooking, join the book club, get a hobby, find a job where you are with other people. These are some of the things that make retirement and life go on and mean something.

Please keep us updated on your changes.

the other S.

Could you guys live apart and just do your own thing, at least for a while? I am much more adventurous than my husband and know the time will come sooner or later where I'll be on my way to live in Buenos Aires or something, while he might stay on the west and build guitars. It wouldn't have to be forever but for you to stay in a place that does not provide you with the quality of life you need will sooner or later fling you into a depression.
P.S.: Of course you have to find happiness within yourself, but our surroundings play a HUGE role in that. I absolutely despised Suburbia in the US. I was bored and discontent, and felt like so much was missing. Once I had moved to the Downtown Los Angeles area I spent many really happy and stimulated and creative years there. Now I live in The Hague, which I also find boring, and just feel myself lighten up every time I am in Amsterdam. It really really matters where you are at, and how that place fits your personality. I'd shoot myself in the head if I had to stay in this city forever.

We have to look within ourselves for happiness. We can't really rely on outward things or other people or places to make us happy. When we're depressed, that can be triggered by stress and situations but Depression is a disorder that needs to be treated. I would highly recommend therapy for yourself, and I would recommend marriage counseling.

Whatever happened to "home is where the heart is?"

Right now you have yourself convinced that if you move, if you can only get out of the area and house that you're in, you'll be happy. You have this vision of finding the perfect town and the perfect house in the perfect location, just the perfect distance from your husband's mother.

Except the reality wouldn't be quite so perfect. Problems still follow you. Everything is still imperfect. Forcing your husband to move when he doesn't want to simply creates more unhappiness.

I think that whatever issues that are going on where you are right now need to be addressed. Feed your soul where you are, take care of yourself, and find things that you enjoy both with your husband and on your own. Try to find things that you do like about your environment. Ask your husband to keep an open mind about moving, and have him list positives to a move. Work on a dream plan together and what the steps would be to accomplishing such a goal. Maybe he needs to see the logistics of everything. He might need to see what he thinks are problems being addressed. So have him create his con list and you do too. See what solutions there could be to the cons.

Hmmm... Well, how about a nice camper/RV? You go there when you want to hang out for extended vacations, you can bring it "home" when he needs you or the weather is bad. If you both end up wanting to spend more time at the beach, you can make more permanent arrangements. (Not to say that there are n't some inconveniences with this plan, but maybe it's thinking outside the box enough for you to find a work around that appeals to you and hubby...) Alternatively, condo, timeshare, apartment?
I can certainly understand NOT living where you are happy. "Home" for me is a LONG way away and we are military so our future is somewhat decided for us (at least in the short term). Yes, it's true your happiness is somewhat your own decision regardless of geography, but the "man without a country" syndrome does NOT help. Hope this helps. Best of luck!

I feel like I can see both sides of this (by both I mean yours and the commenters below who suggest that happiness isn't in the things you desire). Seeing your neighborhood change, and not in ways that you appreciate, is hard. We have only lived in our house four years and it's been interesting watching it go from what it was to what it is (not all bad, but nothing like we thought we were getting).

On the other hand, not one person I've known who grumbled and complained about Home A (or State A, in two family members' cases) had their lives suddenly become rainbows and unicorns because they moved to the greener grass. One person, who insists she "blooms where she is planted" is *just* as cranky now in a cool climate with less government regulation and blah blah blah as she was living in L.A. with the heat and the traffic and the school district full of people with their heads up their... well, you get the idea.

As for what to do, I would look for a compromise. Quaint beach community sounds *amazing* to me, too, but if my husband had concerns (regardless of what I might think of said concerns), I would look for a way to find something we both could love.

What about moving to a different area of this town, a better neighborhood? Or perhaps closer to his parents. We take care of my FIL and could not move away from here easily.

You're in your 50's so they must be in at least their 70's. So they are just going to get older and will eventually need you more.

I do think that a move would be good for you. It sounds like you need a fresh start. So see if hubby would be willing to look for a compromise. A home half way to the other town or at least further away from where you are than now.

I don't know of any other way of handling this. If he is adamant about not moving then you may find yourself to be one of those wives that outgrows her husband and starts over on her own. If you cannot function in this environment you can't function.

My parents have a mobile home in FL and reside there Oct-May.. Reside here in Chicago May-OCT. It is the best of both worlds for them.
In FL they have a club house with plenty of excercise etc for them to do. Here there is not as much sturctured things, but there is the family. :)

Well, my in-laws got divorced.

I think a marriage counselor could help.