How Do I Reconnect with My Husband

A wise friend who has been married for many years and has two children shared with us that "sex begins in the kitchen". No, not in a crazy way, just that it needs to be something thought about sometimes before we get into bed at night exhausted and worn out from taking care of everyone else. Think about it in the morning when you get up, think of it while you are showering, think of it at any point of day prior to getting into bed at night and you will be more ready for him. Also, know that it doesn't take that long, and I could just do it as a favor for him because I love him and would want him to do the same for me if it were the other way around! Best wishes, S.

It's easy to feel this way after kids...I think we all go through it. I know one thing I have done recently that has helped me get my mind back "into the romance game" is I have started reading romance novels again, and associating the story mentally with myself and my husband. It doesn't have to be anything wraunchy (I just picked up something light and innocent), but it has helped me get back in the mood!

Wow. You just took the words out of just about every woman's mouth. Don't have answers for you, but will eagerly watch. You're a good woman, better wife, too, for taking this first step. I think the rest of us just let it go for too long...Sad, but true.

My husband and I are currently reading the book "His Needs, Her Needs" by Willard F. Harley, Jr. Its really been opening my eyes to the things we've let slide in our relationship. Things that are essential to us feeling connected to eachother- like true conversation. When he gets home for work instead of asking the very general question of 'how was your day?' he's started asking, "what's the best thing that happened to you today?" While the first question has for a year gotten the answer 'fine' or 'busy' but not much more, the second question always has a specific answer because it makes me think.

I like the book because it talkes about the very different needs of men and women. At first i read the list of needs and was like- I dont need some of this stuff! cuz some of it sounds kinda steriotypical, but when i read the explination behind stuff it makes so much sense and is actually true!

Anyway, that's my two sense. Check out the book and see if anything inside makes sense to you too. It's changed the way i look at my husband and opened my eyes to how i was making him feel. By changing my outlook, i am more open to connecting with him on his level, and he has been more open to connecting with me on mine.

Take care!

Hi C.,

In my opinion, there are definitely stages in any relationship where the two individuals drift apart then get close again. You're not always going to be in the same mental place at the same time.

The best advice I ever got to help stay connected to my partner, or reconnect, was from the the book, "The Five Love Languages", by Gary Chapman. The book refers to the fact that every person has a prefered way to receive love, one "language" that is most clear to them. The 5 love languages are: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch.

After reading this book with my BF, we realized I preferred Words of Affirmation, meaning compliments and hearing the words "I love you" more often meant the most to me. His love language is Physical Touch so making love and hugging, etc, is the best way for him to feel loved.

Since reading the book, I feel we have stayed connected more consistently as I always try to touch him every day, whether it be back scratches or holding his hand for just a few moments or greeting him at the door with a big hug. He tries to remember to tell me how wonderful and special I am every day and compliment me about different things.

I guess all I'm saying is: Check out the book from your local library. It might give you great insights into understanding each other better and showing you love each other in the best way for your partner to understand, leading to more closeness and reconnection, with skills that will last your whole relationship!

I'm not saying this book is the be all, end all of relationship cures, but it certainly helps put things in perspective. Its worth looking in to.

Good luck!

S.

Are you still nursing? Hormones have made me feel less amourous and everying *feels* weird anyway. I'm a BIG believer in getting away -- even for the night -- from the kids. And not in your own home, but to a hotel or swap places with someone. My parents take our boys (4 mo and 3.5 yers) and while some find that young, happy parents means a happy family! We took our first 10 day trip away (we had taken shorter trips) to Ireland with our older son was 17 months old. We did overnights and shorter trips to help him and my parents "practice". You can also do this with a trusted babysitter. Kids are HARD on a marriage and you need to nurture it away from them. Separate from that, I also believe in therapy or massage.

Hi C.,
We've been married for 10 years (in august) and have a 4 and soon to be 7yr. old. I think this is just a normal part of married life. You go through ups and downs. It doesn't mean you love each other any less...just probably tired and out of sync. As a mom you're running around all day and by the end of the day just plain tired and stressed out. It takes work to connect with hubby but once you get back into a rhythem you'll be fine and enjoying your self. Let him know that you realize you haven't been yourself lately. Schedule time for each other. Get a babysitter and go to dinner or go for a walk, get some ice cream at the ice cream parlor or whatever you think would be fun to do...just the 2 of you and take time to talk to each other. When you're at home take a hot shower/bath to relax a bit before going to the bedroom. Find some of those relaxing scented soaps (if you can tolerate those). Then just (to put it bluntly) do it! You'll enjoy yourself once you're in the process. I think (and i've read it) that the more often you have sex the more you'll want to. If you can afford it try to go away for an over night trip. We've done that a few times and it just seems to totally refresh us. You aren't thinking about anything else but each other. Good luck to both of you. You'll get through it as long as you take an active approach to it...and you've already taken the first step by asking for advice:) Hope this helps you. Take care,
L.

I actually talked to my dr. about this a few months ago and he said it is totally normally, that most women with young children feel this way. It doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you. It's just that your energy and attention is focused on your child(ren) and there is not enough left over. You are physically and emotionally drained. Your children need you, so you are not doing anything wrong. He gave me the names of a couple books that I could read but said the thing that works best is to make an effort to go through the motions and it will come back to you eventually. He said he and his wife did not get back to "normal" until their kids were gone 21 years later, but they were able to have a very healthy marriage and relationship just by putting forth extra effort. I have a very open dr., in case you couldn't tell. =)
I ended up getting pregnant after that appointment and the extra hormones worked wonders! I'm not recommending that as a remedy, but at least I know my body is still capable of enjoying intimacy.

Also, I am always amazed at how much more affectionate I feel when I am able to get out and do something/anything with my husband and no kids. It doesn't happen often, but even if it's running errands or grabbing Chinese takeout, it's a great refresher to be ALONE with him.

Just wanted to let you know that I am struggling with this also. My hubby and I have been married for 4 years and we have a 2 year old daughter. Partly I have a past issue (molested at 16) that I thought I had delt with before I was married but after having a little one that issue has been bugging me (partly worried for my daughter and partly having trouble mentally being able to connect physically with hubby).

I agree with the mother below that you will have to TRY and make an effort to receonnect. My hubby and I talk one on one daily, we make sure to kiss each other at least once a day, and we have date night twice a month (so every other week). The sex is the hardest, I am just not there yet but I try really hard to have sex once a month with hubby... hopefully that will get easier and I won't HAVE to make a huge effort in feeling in the mood for sex.

Keep at it, marriage is work and after having a baby it is hard to be a mother and wife at the same time. It will take time and work... I am still at it and we are far from where we use to be BUT I keep faith that we will rekinddle that physical love we use to have pre baby.

Hi C.
It is pretty common for women to lose interest in there husband once they become a mother you start to get so busy with everyday life you forget what attracted you to him in the first place I think you should set a side some time each day to talk to him about your dreams and goals and to just to start to remember why you love him.If it is possable I think you also should go away for the weekend so you can destress and reconnect and then keep that going by talking everyday with no distractions and make sure you look at him and he looks at you. Good Luck T.

I truly think that it is nature's way of keeping us from having babies too close together. As unromantic as it seems, I have to schedule sex. I wouldn't ever be interested otherwise. If you know it's going to happen ahead of time, you can prepare yourself. Then whether you really want to do it or not, just do it. You'll like it once you get started.

Hi C.,

You have gotten some great advice...marriage sometimes can be so easy and sometimes it can be very frustrating. Lovemaking, as you already know, can sometimes be the last thing you want to do, but as you have already been told, it is kind of like sleep, the more you do it, the more you want it. It is harder for men to understand what is going on, unless it is the man who is having the trouble. They usually take it as an insult to their manhood, and it doesn't really have anything, at all, to do with that, or to your womanhood. It is a part of life that we all have to work through, and we can all do it, as long as we remember how important our partner is to us. Once you have children you still have to remember to make your marriage exciting, or you may lose some of the spark.

C.

YES YES YES! My son is the same age and I struggle with the same thing. I don't know about you, but I am still breastfeeding and I think that has something to do with it. I also think that we spend so much time and energy parenting our son, that we don't really get a chance to connect...you know, talk, look each other in the eye, spend time alone, etc. We are trying to make more time for that, but it isn't easy! I also read recently that it is common for moms to satisfy needs for intimacy(not sexually)from their babies that they don't really feel the need for much more. I'm sorry that I don't have much advice (I could use some too) but I wanted you to know that you are not alone!

I can honestly say I understand both sides of your situation. All I can say is if you both really still are commited and love eachother than you need to set up a date night with no expectations other than spending time with one another. Arrange a babysitter and do anything together. Share an interest of the others, go for a walk, go to the movies, or dinner, anything you or he likes. Conversation will follow the bond will strenthen and you will probably find him and his touch very desirable again. Just don't make the mistake of doing nothing and expecting it to just magically come back, that just dosn't happen. Remember marriage and parenhood puts a lot of stress (good and bad) on couples. You have to adjust ,grow and compromise, and sometimes those emotions, hormones and physical exaustion can take a toll on your relationship and yourself. So take the time for you and take the time for the two of you that is needed.

Best wishes
B.

C.,
With all that has been said here, I'd just like to add one more thing. How do you feel about how you look? I remember being stopped at the mirror numerous times being very hard on myself for letting myself get frumpy. So, exercise was the key along with a good vitamin and changing my eating habits. I was never fat by any means. But being so busy with the kiddos took all of my time and I forgot someone very important. Me. So I went to work on myself, the more I exercised, the better I felt about myself. I guess looking in the mirror made me wonder, if I didn't feel sexy or look it, then how could he still be attracted. So I made that my excuse, until I got on the ball. I found that when I was happy with how I looked again, I felt sexier, I bought clothes that fit and did me favors. Feeling good about myself made me want him more. Weird, but we celebrated our 25th this year and we're still going strong. A good motto for me to get me going is "Change your thoughts, your life will follow."

C., it is so comforting to know that others experience this as well. I agree with the other moms that sex can have its ups and downs, but the downs can be very down and very hard to get out of. My husband and I have been through this a LOT, and it even occured before the baby was born. What really makes it hard is that he blames himself and feels unattractive and feels like he is failing at sex. So not true! I feel that it's totally me and my sex drive, and has nothing to do with my attraction toward him. What makes it worse is that I tend to slide down more and more into the funk, to the point where I don't even want to go to bed because I don't want to have to reject him! It's all so psychological.

So, the way we've gotten out of this funk in the past (and even recently) is to just start doing it! Once you let your inhibitions go a little (and I know it sounds bad, but wine can really help with that ;) and get past the psychological stuff, it gets SO much easier. Plus, you'll actually have fun once your into it, and the next time around will be so much better. Just let yourself go, let yourself enjoy your husband's touch, and fall into it.

Also, don't shy away from talking to your husband about all of this - he needs to know how you're feeling so he understands. One thing I told my husband is that I'd just like to "cuddle" in bed for a few days, with no expectation of sex. That really took the pressure off and made me feel safer with the whole situation. Reconnect by being more affectionate during the day, then just let yourself go along with his advances when nighttime falls. The more you do it, the more you'll want it - I promise!!

HI C.,
I am a life coach in Pewaukee and my first question to you is; What are you doing to take care of yourself, first? Ask the little girl in you, "What would be something you'd really like to do?" It could be something really little, or big. THEN DO IT. Somehow. Find a way.
Moms of little ones give A LOT, constantly. Allow yourself to receive self care in little ways, everyday, and see if that makes a differece.
I hope this helps.
P. Jackson

I think this kind of behavior is EXTREMELY common. I actually went through it myself. I have a 1 year old baby girl. First off I have a question for you... Are you on any birth controll? I was and it was ruining my sex drive. I went off the pill and my "mood" has improved greatly. Also, no matter how busy you are (and I know you are) really try to go out with your husband every so often and try not to talk about the kids. Just try to remember why you married him and all the fun times you've had together.

J.

We have the same problem, and it's not just me that isn't in the mood. My husband is often too stressed to feel like it. But we make sure to be intimate at least once a week, even if we don't feel like it. Usually, just going through the motions at the beginning will get us in the mood and we really enjoy it. The biggest problem we have found is that if we let it go longer than a week, then it gets harder and harder to be intimate. We fall into a rut where neither one wants to do it and we just get more stressed and angry at each other. Also, when we do it more often, we find it easier to communicate with each other. We don't fight about things. In the end, our relationship has become much stronger.

Are you taking any form of birth control? I have always had a low, almost non-existant, sex drive when I'm taking birth control. My husband and I have had MANY battles over the 10 years we have been together. Recently we have gotten to a point where we stopped the BC. We are "trying" to be careful as it isn't the IDEAL time for #2, but we are also at a place where it wouldn't be bad either. And after #2 my husband is going get snipped.

BC -- just a thought. I had a DRASTIC difference.

I will keep this short and sweet as I see you've already gotten a lot of good advice. My advice, you need to open up lines of communication and try something new to get those sparks flying again. I sell products for Pure Romance. Check out my site at www.shannonfeavel.pureromance.com
Sometimes, simply investing in some massage oil, and starting off with a massage trading off on giving eachother one will start the romance back up. It's ok to start from scratch and take baby steps again.
Best wishes.

It's good to hear that other people have this problem, although it isn't a good problem to have, I agree. I have 16-month old twins, and I really haven't been interested in physical intimacy (ie. sex) for quite awhile. I love when he rubs my back or snuggles with me, but when it goes further, I'm often not that into it! I think that it is mostly about sleep, and mothering. So much of your energy goes to that now! but I think that it is important to try and be intimate with your husband, and hopefully "get in the mood" as things progress. Your children will grow up and move out, but you will be with your husband beyond that, so it is crucial to keep those building blocks of marriage strong, and sex is one of those blocks. So if you feel even the slightest desire, act on it, but encourage other types of intimacy with your husband as well (ie. back rubs, snuggling on the couch after a long day, reading to one another, dates, etc.). I hope this helps! I'm trying to follow my own advice - and I am curious about how other people will respond.

My 2 cents:

I would start getting yourself in the romantic mood. Keep a post it pad in your bathroom and leave him a note on the mirror telling him how much you adore him. Tell him to come home for lunch while your daughter is sleeping. Make a really nice lunch for him. Make sure that you are feeling good about your body and yourself. If you don't, go out and buy some new clothes, nighties, get your hair cut etc...

Marriage is hard work. If you want your marriage to work, you have to be willing to work at it. Try being a little more romantic and he will start doing the same thing. If all else fails, seek outside help.

Join the club! I think everyone has intimacy/sex problems after kids. First of all, who has time? Plus your hormones change, you don't feel as sexy after having a baby, you're more tired, there's a child in the next room, etc. etc. There are so many reasons. I hear ya, I would rather get my sleep than have sex. I have no interest either. But the bottom line is that our husbands need it. So I make myself have sex with him (sometimes), even when I don't feel like it. After I do, I feel better and say to myself 'That was actually fun! I should do that more often!' I just think when it's been a long time, it's hard to get back into it, but once you do, you like it again! Just try it!! Good luck to you!

I think you should try to introduce more (non-sexual) touching into your daily lives. Little moments of hand-holding, kissing, getting a hug while preparing dinner, etc can do wonders for your interest. Also, he may not feel quite so rejected if he feels like you are physically connected in another way and that progress is being made. Good luck!

I know you've recieved a lot of advice, and I didn't have a chance to read through them all, but here are my 2 cents. Check out the book Love and Respect by Emmerson Eggerts. i'm sure it's online or at Borders. I felt the same as you do, and sometimes still do, especially after having our daugther 18 months ago. My body isn't the same, I don't feel as sexy as before, and now I feel more "mom" than "wife" sometimes, and it's hard for me to differentiate between the two. Anyways, one thing that has helped me is to realize that men's bodies were created differntly than ours, in that they have a certain "need" for intercourse. My hubby always tells me that he feels closer to me afterwards, and really his body need this. I try to visualize my pre-baby self, and find a way to get in the mood. sometimes k-y can help, too! But, when I realized this, plus the fact that most of the time sex takes under 5 minutes - I figured, I can do this one little thing for him, and it makes him such a better hubby towards me. Now, when I approach him about helping me around the house, he's more willing to respond and help, because his basic needs have been met. I hope this helps, and good luck. Remember you are not alone!

Hi C.,
I think you've gotten some great advice (some of which actually worked for me, too), but no one really touched on the physical part. After having a baby, women's bodies go through an incredible change, and hormones are completely out of whack. Things like dryness, low libido, fatigue... sometimes they're psychological, but many times it's really just a matter of giving your body some time to get "back to [a new] normal." This is especially true if you nursed, went and maybe just weaned recently, or even if you didn't, or are back on birth control, your hormones might still be fluctuatng. After my second son, I noticed an extreme shift when he hit about 15-16 months. I could tell things had changed physically, and it felt like my mody almost "reset" itself. Like someone else said, I think it's nature's way of spacing out children. In any case, try to tune into your body, maybe work on some of the other [psychological] tricks others mentioned, and if it still doesn't get better, it might be worth talking to your OB. Good luck!

I have 9 kids... Sometimes you just have to fake it. Then eventually you will get into it. I always told my husband that he needed to "court me first" to get me in the mood.

I know I have felt that way at times with my hubby. We are now working on year 13 end of December. A relationship takes work. Your love and style of love changes. Do you get any time alone with your hubby? Does he or you ever write notes to each other? Do you ever get to hold each other after getting home from work to "make it all go away"? I never feel the stress from my day ever goes away until I get that longing hug from my hubby (I'm more of a hugger than kisser). Now that we have a nearly 4 yr old and pg w/ twins, there is NO desire on my part. We are really having to work through this TOGETHER. Neither of us want to talk about it, but have to in order to maintain a good relationship. Also, check out a book on different types of love. Remember that you are also a mom of a young child and that takes LOTS of work! As a mom, you do what you can...and by the time you hit the pillow, you just want to go to sleep! Many of us out in the world understand what you are feeling and please know you are not alone. It takes guts to write about it and ask for help. You're already started in the right direction. Also, if possible, see if you can spend a night TOTALLY away from the kids as a couple OR even just by yourself to help rejuvinate yourself. I promise, it'll be worth it. One more thing, sometimes a nap if you are a SAHM in the afternoon does wonders!

I don't know if you need to see a doctor or therapist, but if I had to guess I would say a therapist would be best. Not for you though, for your husband. I think there needs to be a support group for fathers/husbands after the birth of a child instead of just us mothers. I have found, after talking to other women, that this is more common than you would think. I don't think people talk about it much though unless you bring it up. I had/have the same feelings with my husband and believe that it is a totally hormonal issue. I think your body is geared to give everything to your child, and unfortunately that doesn't give much if any space for husbands. You want to share the wonderful experiences of having a child with them, but you really only have enough energy for your child, and then meeting your own basic needs. Having to now try to make time/energy to meet your husbands needs seems virtually impossible. The only advice I can give you otherwise is that it does seem to slowly get better...unless you have another one. Good luck and maybe just try to let him know you care in other ways so he knows he is still special to you!

I am sorry I didnt read all the responses but I know my libido has taken a huge hit since my daughter was born- specifically because of breastfeeding, stress and BIRTH CONTROL! I love my BC and can't go without it but I can't wait til we get pregnant again and don't have to worry about it :)

Go on a date night to the movie Fireproof.

I had the same problem... it was my birth control. After I stopped taking it wow did things change. I had the IUD and it was not working for me. I wish I would of known that a couple of years ago. Date nights are always nice.

Do you have some resentment towards your husband? Is he ignoring your needs? Sometimes when women get upset with their husband they don't feel that closeness that women need to feel sexual. If this isn't the case and hormones or meds aren't the problem, then just being tired and the mom title could be. You see if we forget to get in touch with our person side, if we don't see ourselves as being sexy then it will also make it harder to feel sexy even though I am sure hubby feels that you are. This is where imagination comes in. Fantasizing works wonders and no, it doesn't have to be about other men. Fantasies are ways of blocking out the outside noises and thoughts and lets you concentrate on the feelings and touches. You could put yourself on the beach, in a different country, anything you would like to try but afraid to ask. While men are visual on what turns them on, women are deeper with it starting in the mind and working their way to the body, we need to feel closeness along with the touches.