Full Time Mom with a Stay at Home Dad

You all had a stressful time. He is probably depressed, as in our culture, a man's identity is very wrapped up in how he FINANCIALLY provides for his family. You are now fulfilling that role. You may also be resentful of him because HE is the lucky one that gets to stay home with your child. The circumstances may work, but the emotions haven't caught up with them. I think it may be everything combined - not just you, not just him, but the whole situation kicked you all off kilter. Maybe you need counseling to get back, or maybe just some major loving time for each other. Don't know, but it sounds like you're in a good place to get the warmth back in the relationship. Good luck!

I think things are always stressful after you have a baby. The HARDEST years on a marriage are are the years where you have any children under the age of 3. you are usually sleep deprived, dealing with a demanding child (and I know it's necessary they are demanding) and just plain adjusting to life as a 3 some instead of a 2 some. You don't have as much freedom to do what you want when you want, and even if you don't realize it, that changes things. If it were me, I'd probably not think my hubby was doing as good a job as I would, and I might even harbor some deep down resentment that he wasn't working. My hubby went though a period where he was unemployed for 6 months and I was the only one working and money issues started to cause stress as well. This too shall pass!

My husband, lost two of his closest friends four months apart (one killed by a drunk driver in May, the other was epilieptic and died from a Grandma seizure in September) and along with being very depressed over the loss of his friends was laid-off just before finding out we were pregnant with our first. He did not get a job until I was 7 months pregnant. While being pregnant should be one of the 'happier' times in a women’s life, for me it was not. I was worried and annoyed constantly. I asked him everyday what he did to better our situation and after a while we began to resent each other. He for my constant pressure, I for what I felt was his lack of self-drive. Now mind you, my husband is a very hard worker, enjoys helping around the house and is a fantastic father. But, none of this kept me from worrying about the future or the need to feel taken care of. We went to counseling for a while after he found a job and worked through all of our issues. I had to find patience and understanding, while he, after being unemployed for 8 months, had to find self-worth and gratitude. It was an eye-opening experience that strengthened our marriage and taught us to love unconditionally.

I know that your situation is different than mine, however the similarities are there. Could it be that you, like me, are resenting the fact that you are pulling the weight of the entire family? If so, a marriage counselor could really help. It could be that you are extra snappy with him. Or he, and to no fault of his own, could be over sensitive due to his inability to provide for his family. Either way, speaking to someone could really help. I also began taking Zoloft for my aggression, which really seemed to help. I only took it for about 6 months and I truly believe that it helped with my aggression and assisted in pulling us out of our doomed future.

Good luck to you both.

You are stressed because the burden of taking care of your family financially is falling solely on you. You probably feel like you do everything yourself. For you, it is stress. For your husband, it is partly depression because he lost his brother and he lost his job. The other part is that he feels inadequate because he is not the one supporting his family. He feels guilty therefore taking his frustations out on you. Men want their egos boosted constantly while women do what we have to to get the job done. The sweet person is still in there you just have other factors blocking it.

I agree with Patricia. Your head knows you're doing the best you can and that you're blessed to have what you do. But maybe your heart is yearning for a different situation. It sounds like you're having a perfectly normal reaction to all of the stress your family has been through. Being aware of it and wanting change is the first step towards making that change. And don't underestimate the effects of sleep deprivation. Even though you may not be able to make any big changes right now, little things can make a huge difference. Make sure you get enough sleep, make some time to do something you enjoy (15 min can be enough! Read a book, take a bath, go for a walk, call a friend, whatever), make some one-on-one time with your hubby. Don't be so hard on yourself, and enlist your husband's support to help you return to the person you want to be.