Do You Have House Rules?? Are Our Kids Too Young for House Rules??

You are asking for a greater nightmare if you don't get these kiddos to respect authority. Right now, you are the maid and not the parent.
Have you read any parenting books? Dobson is great. How about watching the Nanny on tv?
You have got to do this now!
Good Luck

The other posters had excellent suggestions. I just wanted to suggest a book for you that might help you in dealing with them. It's not exactly a discipline book, but will help with communication. It's called How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk by Faber and Mazlish. It will give you tools to effectively talk to them so you won't have to fall back to yelling at them. I get to that frustrated and ready to blow my top point too. I know how that feels. Good luck!

ETA: The book even has a section about family meetings and having the kids come up with ways to solve problems.

House rules need to start early - as in age 2.
Time out needs to be done consistently and correctly or it won't work. Decide that you will do it and then stick with it - you'll be glad you did.

Crying - OMG! I HATE whining and crying. Send her to her room until she is ready to come out.

Let the children help you with the house rules and the consequences. Print them out and hang them in a prominent place where all can see. If a rule gets broken, the consequence must be administered. Point to the rules throughout the day. "The rules say - no hitting. What happens when you hit sister?"

YMMV
LBC

Yes. Have rules. Keep them short and sweet I think your suggestions are good. Here's pretty much what we have in our house, even though they're not posted.
1. Gentle hands (or hands on your own body)
2. There's only one mom in the house, and it's me (in other words, when I say something, it goes).
3. No potty talk
4. A reasonable amount of crying is fine, but otherwise you can cry as much as you like in your room.

Good luck. It's going to take a little while for them to get used to the rules, but they'll adapt. Stay strong : )

I grew up in a very disciplinarian family, and that's how we've chosen to bring our kids up from day one.

As soon as a bad behavior happens, we correct it (age appropriately).

My concern with reading your message is that you ignore the behaviors until you can't take it. That just encourages them and enables the behavior because there's nothing to say it's wrong until you reach your breaking point.

We went on vacation recently with some friends we thought we knew well. We'd seen tantrums from their older child before, but we thought they were isolated - they were not. The parents believe they're parenting and disciplining, but their 7 and 3 year-olds completely rule the roost and get away with behaviors that we would never tolerate in our house. It made for an uncomfortable situation all week, and we're still correcting the behaviors in our kids (4 and 2) a few weeks later. We love the parents, but we'll think twice before spending more time with them in the future based upon this experience.

How to discipline is completely based upon your values and the child's response. We have already learned that our son responds to different discipline than our daughter - so while we're consistent for the behaviors that we correct, we're different in how to choose to discipline in most situations.

Not a day goes by that I don't ask if my kids are a good reflection of us as parents - if yours are not, take measures now to make sure you don't lose friendships/relationships because your children are difficult to be around.

I say ABSOLUTELY to house rules - they should extend way beyond the house, too.

Of course you should have rules and enforce them - along with teaching your children manners. Consistency is key. Be prepared for resistance and make sure you and your husband are on the same page regarding punishments/discipline, which can differ depending on the child.

You want your children's behavior to change? You need to change yours first - and it will be hard for you. Make sure you don't backslide into your old parenting habits.

good luck

Our house rules have been taught since the day they came home from the hospital. Of course they weren't told that, but from the first hit, the first intentional disrespect, they were taught that those behaivors are not acceptable.

Consistancy is absolutely the key and ignoring the behavior won't teach them not to do it.

In our home, anyone who cries for something does not get it until they stop crying. I practiced this while nursing when my dd was an infant. I would calm her down if she was unhappy and THEN offer the breast when she was no longer crying. Her second grade teacher asked her (in front of me) "I can't imagine you ever getting in trouble. Do you ever do bad things?" I joke with her when I drop her off at grandma's house by saying, "OK, be bad!" and we all know she won't.

My 3 yo has taken more patience, but by the time he turned three he knew that crying means that he goes to his room until he is ready to come out and use his words to talk about what is bothering him. We nip that stuff in the bud and it works.

Your children are in no way too young to be told what kind of behavior is expected of them.

Oh my goodness! I can't believe you are asking if they are too young for house rules. Yes of course we have rules! We've had consistent rules since day one! If they are old enough to talk and communicate, they are old enough for rules. It sounds like your a little behind in setting them up, but it's not a lost cause.
I would start by introducing time outs. My children started time outs at 18 months. I hear lots of other moms saying that their children just won't stay in time out or it doesn't work for them. That's a bunch of bologna, it's your job to teach them to stay there, and help them to learn why they are there, and how they can stay out of there. My kids are age's 2,4 and 5 and I rarely have to put them there anymore. They do have bad days where it seems like all they do is stay on the "naughty bench" but that's rare and too bad for them.
Your just going to have to put your mind to it. Consistency is KEY to disciplining your children. I also have implemented the occassional spanking, but they are reserved for very serious and dangerous situations e.g. biting another child, or direct willful disobedience not just breaking rules.
Children crave structure. If they know and understand that for every negative action, there will be a consequence they will expect it from you and respect you. If I don't give a consequence immediately to one of my children they get all out of sorts because they know they done something wrong and they know what should come along with it.
I tell you all of this because all I ever hear from other parents is how very well behaved my children are. It's nice to go to a resturant and have a patron come up to you almost every time and compliment your family and childrens behavior it reminds me to continue to do a good job!
I recommend getting some parenting books. A good one to read is "Making Children Mind, Without Losing Yours" by Kevin Lehman. He is very direct and gives you good examples on how to deal with children in specific situations.
Best wishes to you and your family...I hope you can get control of them soon!

I don't think kids are ever too young for house rules. We have had house rules since our daughter was born and she is only 15 months. While I understand that she may break them because she is young, I still expect her not to: hit, scream, cry excessively, touch things she's not suppose to, go places she's not suppose to, etc. I know I have to constantly repeat myself because she constantly pushes, but I think at this age she knows what I expect. When she touches something she's not suppose to, I simply tell her no and she stops right away. She may touch it again later in the day, but she knows at that moment that she is suppose to touch it. Because I'm consistent in telling her what I expect, I find myself not yelling that much and she responds the first time to no. And of course when she does stop an inappropriate behavior when I ask her too, I praise her repeatedly.

I don't think kids are ever too young for "house rules". I think when dealing with behavior issues it is very important to always be consistent and firm with follow through and make it very clear to the kids what is unacceptable behavior and then if they make a bad choice they will have a consequence or punishment. If you let small issues go (i.e. no consequences) then those small issues turn into big issues.

Good luck!

I have two house rules and everything seems to fit inside them.
1. Be safe.
2. Be kind.

When your daughter is crying, do you hug her and sit with her? She may be sad for a stupid reason, but she is still genuinely sad. Try looking at it from her side, if you were heartbroken, would you want your husband to send you to your room by yourself until you felt better or would you rather he put his arm around you and was with you until you felt better? Can you anticipate the situations where your daughter will cry and address them before they come to tears? Can you talk about what will be happening so she knows what to expect?

A three year old only has so much ability to self-discipline himself and also to understand another's feelings. If he's hitting, I would restrain him give him words for his feelings and then tell him if he wants to hit he can do that some other place and then stick to that.

A great book which is easy and fast to read, has lots of cartoons and summary pages is called "How to Talk so Kids will Listen". Your kids are at about the perfect age for starting what's in there. It really helped me. You can find it at the library as well as the standard stores to buy from.

Sorry to hear about your frustrations. It can really wear on you. As the adult, you have the opportunity to show them how to respond to life when it gets tough. Use the opportunity wisely and remember how much you love them.

You say your children have rules at school... do they follow them? They can follow them at school, so, no, your children aren't too young for rules.

Children will "act out" when there is no structure. Rules and boundaries are what makes children feel safe and secure.

I think you're on the right track, for sure. There should certainly be house rules and your children are plenty old enough to understand and follow them. I have a 2 year old and a 4 1/2 year old (girl oldest, boy youngest, like you) and we have the same issues. I think the crying and drama is just a 4 year old girl thing! My daughter was NEVER like this before. Here I thought things were supposed to get easier as they got older (and some things do), but I find my daughter almost as challenging as my 2 year old son these days, just in different ways. Have your family meeting, but keep it short. Try to make pictures for the rules and post them somewhere visible (don't use writing since they can't read yet...haha!). Then, follow through, EVERY time. Timeouts for hitting, send daughter to her room for excessive crying. It does work, but don't ignore it until you lose control. Nip it in the bud early and you'll all be happier, especially you since you won't be listening to it until you hit your breaking point. Good luck to you. It's a challenging age, but can be really fun too. :-)

Some simple rules are certainly needed. My son went through a crying stage. Sometimes he just couldn't pull himself together. Usually he was tired and fighting taking a nap. I'd tell him everyone cries sometimes and when it's over you usually feel better. Go to you room, get your favorite teddy bear and have a good cry - I'll check on you in 10 min - and when the storm (crying) is over then you can come out. Most of the time he'd fall asleep, and taking the nap he'd been avoiding made him feel so much better. A few other times he was finished in about 20 min and then he was his sunny sweet self again. As for the screaming - tell them it hurts your ears and they need to be in their rooms until they can use their inside voices.

Absolutely, you should have the meeting about house rules. The sooner the better. Time outs are fine as a consequence for breaking the house rules, as long as you follow through and do them correctly. Give them a warning, if they persist with the behavior put them directly in time out, tell them calmly why and how long they have to stay in timeout (1 minute per year of your age) and then walk away. If they come out, you need to keep putting them back and starting the time over. If this is the first time you've done it, it could take some time. Stay calm (hard to do!) and indifferent. When they are done, reiterate why you put them in timeout and ask them to apologize. If they don't, keep them in timeout.
The crying may have to be handled in a different way. With my son, if he is whining or crying, I ask him to go in his room and shut the door. He can come out when he's done. It's easier to ignore when he's somewhere else. Then, the "punishment" is being removed from everyone else. But you have to ignore it.
My sons are 3 1/2 and 22 months and I use timeouts for both of them and they work very well. Just be consistent and you'll see results. Good luck!

My son also sometimes plays roughly, gets a bit too excited and grabs people hard, and will cry when he is very tired or finally corrected. I designated both arm chairs in our house "Crying Chairs." I have explained to him (as well as he can understand) that it is okay for him to be angry or upset or sad and he can cry or whatever, but he has to be in one of those chairs and he can get up whenever he is ready to stop crying (or stop the behavior). He is picking up on it. I want him to feel safe from himself--their feelings and reactions are intense and I do not want him to scare himself, so he has a safe place to express them alone until he can be calm again. So far I think that is working better than other things I have tried. It is not a "time out" in the traditional sense (although I do use set times for that if he hurts his brother). He has the power to stop what he is doing and get up any time he wants to. He also sits in the chair voluntarily if he is upset.

So I would try to keep calm, address every "infraction" immediately rather than waiting to a breaking point, and make it non-negotiable. He is old enough to understand basic correction and basic boundaries. Gentle touches only can be hard on a boy when he is playing, but deliberately rough or hurtful touches are not okay.

The biggest mistake, but very common, is you ignore bad behaviors. Kids are amazing, they pick up on who is strict & who are push overs. Kids need rules & consequences & your kids are NOT to young for rules. They completely understand the difference between good & bad, but they also understand that you don't have rules in place. Good for you for being proactive sooner rather than later.

My son just turned 6, daughter will be 5 & other dghtr just turned 3....some things i do:

back talk or calling names = hot sauce in the mouth

my middle dghtr is my challenge....she cries, hits, back talks, calls names..........its worse when she is tired but i cant get her to take naps anymore so i send her to her room & tell her she needs to find her self control & she can come out when she feels better & stops crying

hitting = timeout (a minute per age), then they have to go to the person they hit & apologize & give them a hug & tell them i love you

Some things you can do is give them a warning & if it happens again then you take away their fav toy or they can't watch tv/movie.......for my kids as it gets closer to dinner (roudiest time of the day for us) I will remind them about the treat they can have if they eat all their dinner but they won't get it if they are doing something naughty. Something else is when you notice things can start to get ugly between them divert their attention to doing something else like coloring, play doh, unloading the dishwasher, etc.

BE CONSISTENT, they will challenge you with the new rules in place but don't give up!

I could have written this about my 3 and 2 year old!!! We have found that they do know more than you think. We havent' been formal about posting the rules, but just talked about it last night. Consistency in the consequence is key - when we've done this and CALMLY (I can yell too...) enforced the consequences, the kids really do behave better. Good luck know you aren't alone - you are doing the right things, and it will get better! Thanks for reminding me that I have to get going on this too!

House rules are a really good idea. Make them short.

No hitting
No screaming in the house
No running in the house
etc..

then also have a clearly stated consequence plan
1. time out
2. loose a privilidge
3. grounded

it sounds goofy to tell a 3 yr old they are "grounded" but believe me build it up ahead of time "you don't want to be grounded do you?" that works big time when you explain grounded means no tv no going outside to play, no video stuff etc.... they will get the picture pretty quick.

my sons teacher put the kids names on the board when they got in trouble. 1st step was name on the board, second step a check mark, then a check mark again if it happened again. 3rd checkmark down they went to the principals office. my son only had it happen once. he said he felt bad. I asked if the principal yelled at him. he said no he just looked sad and said I disappointed him.

They are never too young to start following the rules. The earlier they learn it, the better off they are. You have to make sure that you do follow through with consequences when it happens, though. No matter how young.

I suggest checking out loveandlogic.com. They are good at setting up boundaries for children of all ages. You might get some good tips there.

It's fine to have house rules at their age. If they have and follow the rules at school, why should it be different at home?

Rules are there to set boundaries and make life a little less hectic. I say go for it!

Yes, house rules are good. Close supervision, reinforcing good behavior, spending a lot of quality time with them together and separately, showing unconditional love at all times but gentle structure and boundaries - these are all very good things. Ignore and yell is always a bad plan and actually a lot more work for you! Be sure to keep their developmental capabilities in focus. Lots of books in the library if you don't have one already. Kids will act negatively to test the boundaries and to get your attention. Their reasons for doing this are on the right track but they're not finding clear boundaries and they don't know how to engage you sometimes so they do something that's always worked and eventually, it does. Nobody is happy with the current situation. A house meeting is good. Making a visual chart with pictures and simple words is good if you'll use it. Time out needs to be very brief with lots of explanation from you or dad. I always say about a minute per year of their age. Always unconditional love but your permissiveness than sudden outburst of anger is quite confusion to them. I was raised like that and started out that way. It only gets worse and worse. You can turn it around fairly easily at this stage. My friend says you can't parent from the couch. Keep that in mind. You go, Girl!

Set the expectation early and be consistent. When my daughter would cry and have a fit, I would put her in her room and tell her to return when she was ready to act like a big girl. She taught herself how to calm down.

Your kids ARE old enough to understand house rules. They key in all this is to set the rules, explain that kindness and thoughtfulness matters, set the consequesnces and FOLLOW THROUGH. I was never a fan of sending kids to their room. I have always thought their room is a place for sleep, comfort and privacy...not punishment. They might not want to go to bed or nap if it is used for punishment. Just like on "Supernanny" you need a specific PLACE for a time out and mom and dad are in charge. Natural and logical consequences that are CONSISTANT, and don't forget kudos for cooperation and acceptable behavior. Another thing I always thought was important was making sure to NOT say "you are a bad girl/boy", only the behavior is bad.
All toddlers will test their boundaries and YOU need to guide them to the right decisions. They really do want boundaries and expectaions. Positive words can go a long way..."that was so thoughtful of you to share that with your sister", "hitting is unkind and it hurts, doesn't it?", "saying no to Mom/Dad is not acceptable, you will need to go to time out" It's funny...the one really big thing I learned from watching my daughter with her children and also watching "Supernanny" is how important it is to follow through with the punishment, whatever it is, and after that the child needs to apologize for the unacceptable behavior and you need to forgive them on the spot with an "I forgive you" and hugs. It is amazing to see the results!

Yes they are old enough for house rules!!!! Don't hesitate to implement. I'd watch a few episodes of Supper Nanny if you need some ideas on how to do a good time out for each age. (you can see a few on hulu.com free). Ignoring until you're fed up is not going to help.

Best wishes!

I find kids to be human recorders and will copy everything someone else does, whether good or bad...friends, parents, etc. They know no better until you teach them what is right from wrong, acceptable, not acceptable. It will help them later in life whether in school, or just surviving life. I substitute at my daughter's elementary school..you would be surprised at some of the behavior and what comes out of kid's mouths. It is not only up to the school, but parents to teach our kids. You asking this question...shows what a wonderful caring mom you are. Hugs to you