Do Family and Friends Patronize and Police Your Child in Front of You?

I will stay away from these people,

I totally understand you. I know that some people think that it's okay to say things to other children as they would not mind if others say similar things to their child, but I don't like that. The only thing I do is when a child is hitting my child, I intervene and say in a calm and gentle voice, oh,we don't hit. We need to be kind and gentle with our friends. Something like that because the parent is not watching or doesn't say anything. My oldest defends his brothers against other kids and he stands up and says don't hit, but other times I intervene. I think if you are in other people's homes, they needs to be aware that children will touch things especially if they are shiny, glass or bright colors so they should remove it temporarily while your child is there. That is a good time to teach your child about having manners in other people's homes. I was taught that you do not sit down when you enter someone's home. You wait until they invite you to sit down. I was told you ask before you touch anything when you go to people's homes and you do not just go in and do something you ask first and if they say yes, then fine. If they say no, then it's a no and I sit down. I know that if it's your house or out in public, you can say nicely and with a smile on your face, no, I'll deal with her, she's my responsibility and go and do what needs to be taken care of. It really bothers me because I feel that they think they can parent my child better and I feel that they are over riding my authority over my child. So, I think you need to look at whether it's your house or others' home or outside and who these people are. I think you need to judge the situation and the people around you to know what to say in a nice way. I pray that God will give you His Wisdom if you ask Him.

Hi Annette,

Everyone is blessed to receive your little girls happiness?
Why isn't your little girl blessed to receive all of this loving input?
It takes a village, means it takes a village.

On the other hand I do have critical relatives and friends that I do not visit often or leave my child with. You can tell by the energy that they will bring you and your child down. If this is the case step up and say something and do not leave your child with them.

If it is as you say only loving family and friends I do believe it is ok to let everyone have a tiny say in raising your sweet daughter.

Also remember you set the limits as the mom. If you think it is ok for your child to cry it out and some one says, "Stop being a baby, you're too big for that." It is ok to say, "She is not being a baby she is just fustrated right now, please leave her be."

Here's is what u should know--your child will pick up on your feelings. So be cool, because she's happy with the family you seem to have issues with.

Your instincts may be correct and I'm not doubting you at all, but if it doesn't bother your kid then if you act like it doesn't bother you soon they may stop. This could be their way. Its easy to parent people and give advice when they aren't your kid!

Bottom line- only speak up if something really offends you or hurts your kid's feeligs. Otherwise she's lucky people care about her! And you are too. These are future babysitters!!

Don't say a thing to them. If she loves them and loves being around them, let it go.

If it gets serious and dampens her spirit in he future, that may be a time to re-evaluate having a conversation. It seems like these are quite frequent family comments, I hear em too. They come from the heart but through different ways. They want your little one to be her best and be safe too.

I usually follow any comments that could make her feel bad with a spirit-booster! For example, if they say, "that bite is to big for you." I'd follow up with "how about we try to eat it like corn on the cob." Take that small bite in your hands and eat it round and round. That's just the wild spirited me!

good luck.

Hi - I sympathize with you. As a new mother years ago I was shocked by everyone telling you what to do. Even strangers in grocery stores. I thing I found helps is if they think you are in control or monitoring the child they tend to leave you alone. I would try nicely asking that they try not be critical of the child but be aware that this could cause hard feelings. This is unfortunately a downside of having children. Kind of like how in-laws try to intervene in your life once married.

Where are they "policing" your child? At your house or at their house? If it's at their house, then please keep in mind that everyone has different rules. You are expected to follow their rules at their house. They may not allow loud yelling inside, even if it is just excitement. If it's at your house, then I agree with what others have suggested - either ignore it or talk to them away from your child.

I dont want to sound rude to you but sometimes we are over protective of our children and get offended easily by other peoples comments . You should really think if alot of people are saying the same thing maybe they are right

I have more sympathy than advice. I especially hate when people continually do and say things that dampen a child's natural enthusiasm. It's so precious and short-lived, we need to embrace it and learn from it not squash it.

The only thing I can recommend you try is to ask them "for consistency's sake" to allow you to do the reprimanding, tell them you welcome their concerns and constructive criticism, but you would like them to bring it up to you while she is sleeping or completely out of earshot, and tell them you will try to incorporate it into her routine or her behavior. You could say her pediatrician recommended this (having a primary disciplinarian) as a way to minimize the "terrible twos", or some other excuse to soften the blow/not make it sound like you are criticizing them.

You are right that this behavior will become a pattern, but I am sure they are well-meaning overall. It will be hard to say something without it being taken personally, but better to do it early, before it mushrooms into something bigger. I don't really have any ideas on the patronizing end.

Good luck!

Hi Annette,
Yes my family and friends do help help out with my son and I do the same with their kids. We all have an "it takes a village to raise a child" mentality and work hard to assist eachother in keeping our kids safe and helping them grow to be respectful and productive adults (also them hearing the same thing from everyone reinforces the lesson and teaches them that they can't get "away with things" with "Aunt Judy" that mom says no to. I guess that's just the way I was raised as well. And it worked for me. I'm sure your friends and family love your daughte and want to help. They also must feel close enought to you and her to do this. Lastly childern respond to and thrive on discipline and boundries. That's probably why your daughter has such strong and loving feelings toward these folks. She feels love by them. Lastly, If you feel it gets out of hand or someone is harsh, as her mom you have everyright to speak to that person. It's totally up to you. Hope this helps!

Annette,

Each situation for me is unique in this situation. My child's grandparents have the old standard: Thou shalt not ___. Anything other results in redirection. Like, I am happy if my toddler is eating. Safety matters, but whether he is standing at a table too tall for him, or sitting in his high chair, wherever he is happy eating is good enough for me. I speak up and say something to reinforce that eating is more important at this point than how he is - he will eventually sit like an adult when he becomes tall enough to sit like an adult.

Is SHE having any problems with the criticism?

I would say, nip as often as you feel comfortable and it sounds like you still have to live with these people. You don't want to repress your child, either.

Simply saying, 'I think we have bigger issues than whether she is louder when she is telling us she is happy'. If they press the point - point out that she is NOT screeching uncontrollably, and that expressing happiness through a loud voice is not uncommon in public life. If they still press the point - point out that you don't want to repress your child to the point where they don't say anything about being happy at all - or lose their ability to express in a way that is appropriate for a child (and soon to be adult).

If they still press the point...you've got a good warning for years to come of who you will have issues with when correcting your child.

May I suggest a diary, so you can keep track; remembering who does or says what will either serve as a good reminder, or backup.

Good luck,
M.

The examples you provided do not seem very patronizing or critical to me. Critical comments would be more like "you are always so loud - don't you know how to be quiet?" or "you eat like a pig". Sounds like your family/friends are just trying to help reinforce proper manners, and I personally see nothing wrong with that. Especially since your daughter doesn't seem in the least offended by them - you say she happily responds to all of them. If I were you, I'd be grateful that your friends/family are taking an active part in her childrearing. It shows they care about you and your child. You should take their behavior in the manner it is intended - with love and appreciation and understanding.

I don't believe you should intervene unless your child feels distressed or acts out from it.

Hi Annette,
YES!! I have experienced this in the last couple years with my son, now 8. And was considering asking advice on this myself on how to deal with these family members. My situation is a little different, but the same.

I understand that these people love and care about your child, but there should be a limit to what they have to say to her. Hopefully we will find moms out there who can tell us what to say to them without hurting feelings?
Good luck

Hi Annette,
I know that "tough life" comment, it's just a silly thing that people say when a baby cries. I don't know why they must say that, but it's some peoples' way and if the child is verbal and doesn't understand them yet (and infant), I wouldn't worry. If it's a toddler, I'd feel that it sounded mocking.
You can tell them not to police your child if you are right there, that if you can see what she's doing, someone else doesn't need to tell her it's too big of a bite - but realize that this may make them nervous to watch out for your child if you are NOT in the room. When my kids were tiny, I had people tell them not to do certain things that I allowed and I couldn't understand why they thought I wouldn't stop my child if I didn't want them doing it (the funniest was when my son was 2 or 3 and helped himself to a piece of hot pepper cheese, my sister nearly had a heart attack trying to get to him before he could put it in his mouth - little did she know he LOVED spicy things and this was his favorite kind of cheese). Assert your authority by saying (even if it's not true) that she needs to eat a bite that size because if it's a tiny piece, she'll just swallow it whole without chewing and that's unsafe. Even if it's not true, let them know you are on top of things and their comments may be overriding parenting decisions that they have no knowledge of, that mom and dad know best
Comments like the inside voice though - if you are at someone else's house, it's their rules. Enthusiasm is great, but it still hurts our ears. It's never too early to teach a child about consideration.
Evaluate the situation and determine, the comments that they are making at this time in her life, are they mostly criticisms about her or your parenting, or are these people trying to keep her safe without thinking about that it's up to you to decide what is safe.

HI Annette,

I totally get where you are coming from especially if you are in the same room. You would "police" your child if you noticed something awry. However, my mom, who thinks I am over protective of my son is the first to say, oh you are going to the beach today, don't let your son go into the water by himself there are rip tides and big waves etc... Uh..... I know as if all of a sudden I wouldn't be looking out for my child in a dangerous situation. In laws, grandparents and close friends all feel comfortable in giving advice. I think they feel more involved with the childs life if they have some input. I agree with the other posts , it seems like it is bothering you not your daughter. Until she is upset about it I'd let it ride. If there is a specific comment made directly to you questioning your parenting skills then adress that person right away. Let it roll as it sounds like there is a mutual admiration society between your daughter and these people. A. B

Hi Annette,
Rest assured that all parents of little ones have experienced this same behavior from friends and family. I, too, get very annoyed and feel hurt--as if they're questioning my parenting "style." But, here's my advice--LET IT SLIDE. Vent to someone who will understand (hubby, boyfriend, girlfriend, etc.), but DON'T say anything to the "offenders." If you do, more than likely, they will be "so offended" and may even keep their distance. I just keep reminding myself that's it's been a long time since they had little kids running around, and they've forgotten what they let theirs "get away" with. I happen to agree with you that we need to let our children spread their wings and "test the waters," as you said. How else are they going to learn? There are times I think to myself, "If my Dad's wife says one more thing, I'm going to knock her teeth out!!" My fists are usually clenched when I think this, by the way! But, then I remind myself that my son is happy, safe, and healthy -- and I'm a great Mom! And, so are you!
Good luck, and happy venting!
-T.

Hi Annette,
I feel your pain. I have experienced the same thing with my in-laws. My son is a typical boy, he's loud, impulsive, excited and like any child wants attention. All my in-laws do is complain about how rough he is and they constantly correct him in front of me. They have absoulutely no patience for children. During visits all they want him to do is sit there and watch television. They barely interact with him and he's so excited to see them. It's really tough to see others correct your child for typical behavior. My son is not rude and he's well behaved when he's in other people's homes.

At first I tried to just get through the visits with my in-laws without saying anything but I just felt that I couldn't sit by and watch my child be treated so disrespectfully when he wasn't really doing anything wrong. They're the ones with the problem not my child. He's a person and deserves the same respect they do. The situation escalated to where my father-in-law actually hit my son so we had an all out battle and it all came out. Now I rarely see my in-laws. My sister-in-law only invites us over to her house 2 to 3 times a year and I do the same. I haven't gone to my mother and father-in-laws home in over 2 years. They don't take part at all in my children's lives and while this all hurt me at first, I'm actually starting to come to terms with the relatioinship being what it is. I'm actually starting to feel liberated by not being around them. I think it's better for my kids to not be around that.

Your situation doesn't seem as dire as mine, your friends and in-laws don't seem to be mean but just well meaning. My advice to you is to speak up while things are friendly. It seems to bother you so you should say something. Once the relationship is created it's hard to change it, so I would try to change it sooner rather than later. Perhaps you can convey your feelings in a way that's friendly and funny. Or you could just say something like we're trying not to monitor her every move with that so she can learn to do it herself and be more independent. Maybe if you pass some comments like that they'll get the hint and back off.

I wish you the best.

Annette - I feel the same way, but think the comments are directed more at me as a mother than my son (who is only 3 months). My issues seem to be with my in-laws (who are great) but I take every comment they say to be directed at my parenting skills. I don't seem to have the same issues with friends or my family, which I am starting to think is something I need to get over. It doesn't help that my mother-in-law is a director of a nursery school and has all the experience in the world.

I'm not sure if you have the patronizing issue with certain friends and family and would be able to "get over it" but that is the course I am taking. Since my son is only 3 months, I think some of my fears and issues will go away. Also, when I started thinking about the comments over and over, it made the issue worse - so I have had to learn to look at some of the comments as just talk (they make the same type comments to adults as well!).

I hope this helps if not at least you know you're not alone.

K. R.

If you really feel strongly about this, I wouldn't confront them in front of the child but I tend to think you need to speak up when your child isn't around and let these people know how you feel about this as gently as possible. The longer you wait, the more resentful you will become about it.
Mind you, telling them might not stopped their need from doing this...it's what they do without even thinking about it so be consistent. When you are around, no one should be correcting your childs behavior but you...and they need to respect that..

Let them know it up sets you and why and although you realize what they do comes out of caring and loving her and trying to be helpful, that you would rather them turn to you with their concerns instead of them concently correcting your childs behavior while you are around. That while you are around you would appreciate it if they leave that part up to you.
Be ready for any reaction as some might become defensive so keep your cool...listen and consider what is being said to you. Let them know you understand how they feel but your wish is....and repeat it. Don't fight, don't get into a power struggle....either way, end it with a hug and let them know you are glad you were able to talk to them about it. People need time to think about what is said...