Debbie Downer - What Would U Do??

I would give the responsibility of solving her problems back to her. With as little snobiness in my tone of voice as possible, I would say something like, "That's hard. What do you think will help?" or "What do you think you will do about it?" or maybe just "What do you wish you could do differently?" Her answer may give you a clearer understanding of why she is complaining. It could be depression. It could be that she just doesn't know how to improve things and feels safe sharing those feelings with you.

I did not read your entire question but the skimmed part of it and it spoke to me. I was a "Debbie Downer" and am very happy to have a friend help me through that and to stop it.

My friend never said anything to me about it but always listened thoughtfully and offered a quick positive response to my complaints. For my birthday she gave me one of the tablets that are daily messages. It was the one that is "The Secret" if you have heard of that book.

I took the hint and started to read it daily and it really did the trick. She very nicely let me know that I was dwelling in a negative place and the daily messages reinforced ways to think positive.

My entire life is different now. I am so much happier and am so thankful to my friend for politely helping me out of that. :)

I think that you should tell her to seek counseling. Medicaid will pay for it.

Tell her you aren't a professional, and she needs to talk to one. You can't solve her problems for her and, dang it, you're getting depressed just talking to her!

Let her know that you love and appreciate her, but that you feel like your relationship is strained by her depressed attitude. She really needs help.

Has she always been like this? If so probably nothing you say will change her. She sounds like mom. No matter what is going on she has the same spiel and has for YEARS. It's always "woe is me" and she has it so hard, and they can't pay their bills, and no one helps them etc etc but they spend very irresponsibly, all the time.
No on works as hard as her, or is as tired as her, or has had it worse then her.............I use to get so angry and go off on her but she lives in her own world and NOTHING I have said over many many years has changed it. I do say that I really don't want to hear it.
Next time your cousin starts simply tell her, "You know what, it's not true. Things could be so much worse for you then they are and I don't want to hear you talk like this" If it continues politely say you have to go and end the call. If you do it enough, hopefully she'll get it.

I think she needs to talk to her Ob about this, because she may be depressed and need help. It wouldn't be suprising if the combination of pregnancy hormones plus being fired twice contributed to this, and she needs professional help to get back on her feet. There is no shame in this, and depression can interfere with the bonding between a mom and infant, so this is better addressed sooner rather than later.

So I think the best thing that you can do is this: Next time she starts saying that she feels like a failure, respond by saying "It sounds like you may be depressed, have you talked to your doctor about this? I think you need more help than I can give you". And every time it comes up after that, keep responding with "Yes, I hear what you are saying, but have you told your doctor this yet?"

I always turn it around. When she says: My life is so bad I am a failure.Etc. I say wow, sorry you feel that way---when she repeats it--you say Ok I have heard that again and again. So what are you going to do to change it??? If you won't change anything, I am not going to sit here and listen over and over again to the same thing. If you don't like your life---CHANGE IT!

:) Good luck

Get some distance from her and stop giving her advice.

Sounds like depression, possibly fueled by hormones. But I think she's getting plenty of attention from you by talking about her misery. If she's getting fired (whatever the real story is), then her negativity is spilling over into the workplace just like it is in your relationship.

If she wants to wallow in her misery, there's nothing you can do. I think she gets offended when people don't agree with her, whether it's you or an employer. She could benefit from counseling and I hope you will encourage her to talk to a skilled listener and objective professional. Having a baby doesn't usually make people snap out of a bad depression - it can make it worse because she's going to be exhausted and even more overwhelmed. Maybe you can use that as incentive to get her to see a therapist - tell her that her baby deserves a happy mother. Tell her you have obviously been unable to help her and you care about her and want her to get some help.

You cannot change her and saying anything to her will only cause her to once more say "but". She has to want to change the way she looks at life before she can do anything to change.

You can tell her that you get depressed being around her. Be honest with the way you feel. Use I statements. This would be a natural consequence for the way she's acting and may, but it's not likely, encourage her to seek help. If you haven't already, do suggest that she see a counselor.

I would stop her when she's complaining by just saying something like, "I've heard that already. Lets talk about something pleasant." Then have something pleasant to say. I would also spend less time with her. You don't need to tell her you're going to spend less time unless she notices and asks. Just be not available. You need to take care of yourself, too. Don't feel bad for doing this. It's a natural consequence for her.

During the times you do talk with her I would be sympathetic for a brief period of time. I suggest than any effort to try to convince her that she's not a loser, etc. will only intensify her need to prove that she is a loser, etc.

She needs professional help to figure out why she feels so down and to learn ways of taking care of her needs so that she can be happier.

I have.... actually, HAD... a friend like that. I had to distance myself from her because it was just such a bummer. I still care about her very much and we do keep in touch but we're not really friends any more. Some people create their own misery. There's some sort of pay-off for them. I don't know what, but I refuse to live there too.

Sorry, hon. It's hard having to deal with a train wreck all the time. She has 100 excuses for not being employable. But that's all they are - excuses. As long as she blames everyone else for why she can't keep a job, she is going to continue to be fired.

She has a lot of growing up to do. She needs to get some counseling and ask some hard questions and listen to some hard answers.

Dawn

People like this are hard to deal with since it's the same thing with them all the time. Could be hormones or just depression. I'd change the subject as often as possible since this will suck the life out of you for sure. Each person is responsible for their own happiness and it doesn't sound like she's trying to come out of this funk. Maybe she doesn't know how. I would suggest counseling because you can't help her, unfortunately. She needs someone who is paid to have a listening ear at this point or it is going to drive you crazy.

well tell her to look at the bright side if theyre moving back in less than a year and she has the baby it would be silly to get a temporary job for that short of a time

perhaps se's running out of conversation and she's filling the silence with trashing herself
or
she feels like she made fun of your sittuation and is trashing hers to make you know that she doesnt look down on where you're at
or
she's depressed?

who knows. i wouldnt cut off talking J. because she complains sometimes

All shower gifts should be for mama, not baby. Perfume, lotions, scented candles, gift cards to woman (not mama) stores, restaurant gift cards...