Daughter's Father Wants to Move Her Out of State

I see you have gotten a lot of responses, but I would like to add one more food for thought. If he takes her and gets legal custody, could he go after you for child support. That may also be the reason he wants to take her!!!

H

Are you living in Reno? I wouldn't let him take her away from you. She needs you right now. When she gets older if she wants to go then she can, but now is not the time. Are you considering him taking her?

I would never allow my child to be taken from me for any length of time out of state. Is this a serious question?

Repeat these two little words early and often, "Hell, no!"

He has not paid a cent of child support, and after breaking up only 4 months ago, is already engaged? He is in no position to care for a child. If he wants his child to spend time with him, you two can work out a custody arrangement in which he WILL pay child support. You may not think you need it now, but you will down the line. I STRONGLY suggest you go to court and get custody and support recorded. You'll be glad you did. Don't wait till it's too late.

Aloha, co-parenting can be very difficult, but the bottom line has to always be the child's needs. I have had experience with co-parenting from separate homes, and as brutal as it may sound I recommend to every single mom to get the legal protection to guarantee your rights and the best interests of your daughter. The fact of the matter is that until custody is established in court it is legally up in the air. I can't imagine how it would be best for your daughter to move out of the state and not live with her mother anymore. I know children need both parents but are you willing to sacrifice your bond for his sake? The sooner you take action the better off you are, I think.
Best wishes, F.

You need to do what your heart tells you is best. I am a single mom and my ex is requesting that his visitation be extended from 1 overnight every other weekend to 4 overnights every other weekend. I am fighting it because I know my son's hygenic needs are neglected when he's with his father and we have a lot of behavior issues when he returns from his house (he basically gets to do whatever he wants there are has structure and rules at my house). My point is, my heart is telling me that it is not in my son's best interest to let his father have so much time consecutively. What does your heart tell you to do?

I would absolutely NOT let your daughter live with him. You've only been broken up 4 mos. and he already has a wife to be? That probably won't last long, then he'll be a single dad. She needs to stay with you. You should also be asking for child support. I wish you good luck.

There is no way I would allow my 2 yr old daughter to move out of state with her father. He chose to move. He can come visit her any time he wants to. My suggestion would be to get an attorney. Please Please Please don't send her away she is way toooooooooo young. I will keep you in my prayers!
Regards,
S.

Hi E.;

I have four children and two of my eldest children are from previous relationship. I went thru a lot with no child support but what is important to me is my children are with me and staying with me. I worked two jobs to support myself and two children. Then I meet my husband now for 17 yrs in marriage and we have two children of our own. She is 16 yrs old and she is in Junior College already and my 14 yrs old son was freshman in high school. I keep this four children busy because my husband can afford to supported all of us, so I stayed home mom and keep my children busy with school,extra curricular activities like Art,Music,Sports,Dance,Theater and also Boy Scout and Girl Scout because I also a Co-leader with Girl Scout. While my children are in school and I volunteered in school to be a room mom,chaperone,PTA,Art Docent and etc., I wanted to enjoyed every bit of my children childhood stage. Since your daughter's father lived in different state, it is best for our children to stayed with mother because father is important to our children life but raising,guidance,supervision,influence our children is comes to mother. We are very important to our children because man 's point of view of raising children is different from us especially he has his own wife already in his life. I am sure that I don't wanted my child raised by her stepmother because I am her mother and it is my responsibility to raised this child acording to what I wanted for her sake. That's why I fought so hard with my two children for child custody because I won't allow my children to be influence by their father and other relatives especially my children granparents are dying to raised my son which it did not happen. Even thought you're not married with the father of your daughter, you're important person to her life especially when she reached her puberty,teenager's life. You will be the one who will influence your daughter how you wanted her to behave in this society, remembered we are the role model of this children that we brought up in this world. We conceive with them,bringing her out here in this world,nurturing her,guide,supervise,influence her. Please ask your ex-boyfriend to give some monthly allowance money for your daughter every month then you should put that money to investment for her school expenses and especially in college. The more she is growing up, the more extra expenses that you will accrue to her because you wanted her to be busy and take some different kinds of interest or activities outside because it is healthy for her to be busy and no time to be bored and no boys at the younger age. My children are busy in academic then I enrolled them to school band,boy scout,girl scout and extra art lesson,music lesson,sports and tae kwondo,karate and you name they have everything they wanted to experience. Money is not a matter with us because my husband owned his computer imaging company so we can afford to invest for them. I have bought them piano,alto saxophone,clarinet,electric guitar,bass guitar,trombone,drum sets. Four of my children are talented with music but my second eldest son was strong with art and he studied video and games designer and lived in NY. Two of my daughter's are gifted talent and played 5 musical instruments and also in girl scouts. They try out soccer,tak kwando,karate,Aiko,fencing,tennis,golf,swimming,surfing. They all joined in the high school Marching Band and traveled to Macy's Thanksgiving Parade,Florida,Hawaii,Alaska,NY,Washington DC,West Virginia,Vermont,Asia,Costa Rica,Mexico,Europe. We took them to travel when they're on vacations from school. I hope you won't be offended if I share with you my accomplishment as a mother. It is nice to share my experiences with other so that you can get an idea how would you like your daughter to be successful in life. Children are very talented in every way, so as a mother we have to challenge their mind,body and emotion. We have to be protective of our child because especially you only have one daughter to raise and you wanted to raise her according to your expectations. Right now our world is ugly for our children to grow up because there's a lot of nasty,cruel,evil people around us. My suggestions to you, you will allow your daughter to spend some vacations with her dad during her vacations only. Then you make a plan to have your daughter spend some holiday with her father. I am sure that your daughter will grow in a safe and healthy environment if two parents will do their responsibility to raise her. Your daughter also needed her father figure and a mother figure because both of you are her parents. You have to started little by little to talk to her how you fall in love with her father and alway say things good about her father. Whatever happen between you and her father is always between you and your ex-boyfriend and nothing to affect your love and attention to your daughter. Let your daughter spend sometime with her father during his time so that she will know everything about her own dad. Your job as a mother, we are always nuetral between our daughter and her father. We should alway closed the door between you and her father. Now you will start dealing and raising her by yourself. One thing I remembered and experienced that if we raised our child first and not to hurry to find a boyfriend, you will be bless and somebody else there will come along to find you because you're a good woman and if you believe in god, he will sent somebody else for you. All you have to do is patience and raise her according to your best ability. Keep her busy and find her interest then challenge her to that direction, then she will be fine precious daughter that will give you joy and love to life. The reason too that I share this to you, there's a lot of drugs going on everywhere even thought we lived in a expensive and nice neighborhood area, they come to our neighborhood then destroy our children with drugs. Now a days, you can't anybody else anymore because of drugs. You will need to pay lot of attention to your daughter of yours. Keep yourself active and always with her constantly and not to entrusted her easily to anyone that you don't know them well. Always sharp and study how people talk and their actions. I usually obseved people with their ways of talking and doing things around you. You can easily detected who you can trusted or not. Good luck and take care of your precious daughter of yours because always her the first priority in your life before anything else even ourself. May god bless you and your daughter to keep you safe. Be involve in church also and have her learn some spiritual experience.

A.

Hi, if i were you i would not let my child go out of state . I would worrie about not being able to get her back . Also even though money isen't important to you . If he is on the babys birth certificate and you a collecting any type of aid from the state. The state will attach his wages. even if you don't want to because they have to recoupe there money. But if you are not able to take care of her or feel he could better then you can that would be up to you. And later he could claim you abandend her and take you to court for sole custody . really think about it. You are lucky he helps .but please be causes .He sounds like a nice person but do you know the new wife to be and what she is like ? . good luck

I know this is going to sound crazy, but if he is a good person and an attentive father, I would vote moving out of state and following him, but you are still the primary parent (as has been from the beginning). That way she could still have easy access to her caring father. (Some fathers drop out of the picture and that's tragic.) Fathers (as long as they are loving and normal and non-abusive to their children) are very important to young children. My father died when I was 4 and it left a big hole in my heart. The other benefit of following him is that you avoid having her travel to and fro (bus? airplane? train?) and you don't want her alone on a plane at age 7 etc... for years and years. I think if you are in the same city, it would help a lot. Or maybe not. I do agree that you need to speak to a lawyer to protect your rights. You might be afraid to because you want to be civil (and not go after him for money/fine) but you really need to speak to a lawyer with years of experience. They have seen EVERYTHING and could consult you as the best thing to do. My husband has a 17 yr old son from a first marriage. His mother moved to Mexico (her country) . He spent thousands of dollars flying once a month for a weekend with his son. Who will pay your daughters travel expenses to see her dad? Of course there are other factors... anyway, here is a story: Surfer Laird Hamilton was newly engaged? married? to a woman (pg with his child at the time) when he met Gabrielle Reece. He left his wife! and ran off to live with her. He lives in Maui and the ex-wife is a few houses down the road. Their first daughter (now a teen) is a regular member of his family. He now has 2 daughters with Gabrielle. If you ask his first daughter, what she prefers... being out of state or in the same city with regular access to her father, I bet we all know what the answer is. Sometimes you have to do what is in the best interest of the child. PLEASE speak to a lawyer. Mothering.com discussions board also has a Single Parenting page and you can ask the knowledgeable moms there.
http://www.mothering.com/discussions/
I've been married for 12 yrs. God forbid we get divorced and he wants to move back to the East Coast, I would DEF follow him (eventhough I'd love to stay in SoCal) a) to have my children have access to their father and b) to avoid the nonsense of flying back and forth.

Hi E.

I have glimsed thru some of the responses..I'm assuming you live in the state of California

Here are some questions...When you split up did you file with the state for custody of your daughter?...this is VERY important. If it was just an agreement between you and the father that you have custody it's not a court ordered agreement and it's not vailid in the eyes of the law.

so with that said. Google child support services. Call them. Tell them you need the paperwork to file for custody of your daughter. They will send you paperwork to fill out. you will have 30 days to respond. Then they will send the paperwork to the father..he has 30 days to respond. If he contests you will end up going to court. A judge will decided the best interest of the child. If the child has been living with you...I don't see how a judge will change that. If you get custody the father will be ordered to pay child support...even if you don't need it..best to have it on record that you have custody and he pays child support. I say this because 5 years from now he can try again to get custody...If you have had custoday all that time it's highly unlikely that it would ever change. The only thing that would make it change is if the father can prove you are an unfit mother...which I doubt at this point because he walked away and left you with child in the first place.

I'm trying to give you the brief version I hope this helps..if you have any questions let me know..Child Services should be doing this free of charge unless they tell you to get a lawyer.

D.

Hey E.,

I too am a single mother raising two daughters and I know the challenges that we face. Are you okay with your daughter going to live with her father? If so then take an opportunity to meet the "wife to be". Don't just assume that she will love and take care of your daughter. Now if you don't want to send your daughter, then you need to establish custody, because he can technically come and take her or if you send her to visit, not return her. Neither one of you have established custody through the courts. Just because you had her does not establish that you are the custodial parent. If he signed the birth certificate, then he has as much right as you. Only reason I know this is because I went through it with my youngest daughter.

As for child support regardless if you need it or not, make sure you are providing for your daughter not just for now, but the future as well. You may not need it now, however what about the future. Put the child support in a savings account until you do need it.

I too thought like you and my financial situation changed, and I had no choice but to put my daughters father on child support. It took one year for me to start receiving checks.

Hire a lawyer, get official sole custody as the primary parent, and allow visitation with the father on your terms as specified in court documents not oral non-binding agreements. This is not a matter to take lightly or without written documented proceedings through the courts.

Hi E.: Don't send your baby girl out of state. If he were such a great dad he would have made sure he lived close by her to see her often and would pay child support whether he had to or not. You're the only parent she knows. It would be devastating for her to be separated from you. Be strong and put her interests first.

Mary

You didn't mention... do you want to give your kid to the father? If not, it's a non-issue. He should pay child support and your baby stays with you. Why would you even consider letting your daughter go? Unless you want her to. That's fine but, if you don't, you do not have to. You are the mom. I am asking these questions because I have a 1 3/4 year old and am considering moving out of state from his father and don't think the dad can stop me.

Hi, I have read several of your responses to other peoples situations and you seem to be a very good mother. Personally,
I could and never would give up my children. Why would you even consider letting her go with him, good father or not. Additonally, he may give her everything she needs now, but what if he has children with his new "wife to be"? You need to have him start paying child support NOW. If he loves his child and is a good father like you say he is, he should want to do the best for her and do the right thing. One question:could you live without your daughter(shes been with you for 2 years)? What do you think this would do to her? Especially if "Daddy" is going to have a new wife?! The child should stay with you and visit daddy.

It may seem nice that you don't care about money but that's what she will need through her life and he is supposed to ay it, it's IS a legitimate legal issue... I think you must be careful not to be a doormat here. If he's not paying child support and you were never married - one can only hope his claims on her are limited!
Have you done a formal paternity? That's the first thing, and keep evidence of what he's contributing.
But do discourage this if you don't need the money - his claims will then be less,
one would hope!

Explain that she lives with you and there's NO way you would move here until she's old enough to travel alone to see him. Like when she's 11!
Remind him he is the one who left and you are a single Mom, doing the mothering job.

How old are your other children?
Get a GOOD lawyer if he continues this, OK?

Wow
BEST of Luck.

Have you considered seeking legal counsel? I wouldn't agree to anything until then.

E.,
IF your daughter's father is engaged to someone else after only four months he seems to move from one relationship to the next without much thought and with that in mind he may not be capable of providing a consistant stable enviroment for your daughter. Consider that once she is out of state you have little to no control of the decisons he makes regarding who is caring for your daughter. How much do you know about the woman who will be "mothering" your child? What happens to your daughter if this relationship doesn't work? Could this possibly be a strategic move on his part to not have to provide significant child support as an out of state parent? Check into your rights with a good attorney before making any decisons.

tell him no chance better get a lawyer because if he takes her you will rarely see her and they will make you pay child support unless of course you would rather not be a full time parent .then you are lucky he wants to be a father at all. this is a big decision good luck

Your daughter should remain with you. Also, you should go ahead and establish custody and child support on paper. You can share custody; you being the custodial parent. As for the child support; my ex-husband used to be very helpful financially when it came to our son. However, when he decided to move out of the state he also wanted to take our son. I am in the military so he tried to convince me that it would be better for the boy. When we did our divorce a few years prior to him moving, I established custody as the custodial parent and him as the non-custodial. Also, I had child support included to receive 17% of his annual income. I never enforced it, just had this documentation as a back-up, just in case. Girl… he moved out of state to be with his wife to be at the time. The financial support slowly decreased. And he hardly called or came to see or send for our son. I am sure in his heart he cares for the boy, but when people start a new life, some things tend to change. Plus, do you even know this woman he is going to marry? How will she treat your child?

Hi E.,

Talk to a lot of people about this, but first start with your heart. What do you want? Do you want to move too? A 2 year old is too young to make life altering decisions.

Do you want your daughter to live with a father who after only 4 months is moving away and marrying another woman? That sounds kinda' scary.

Hi E.,
Since you are here to discuss the issue, you are fully aware it would be crazy to just grant such a wish. If you have been broken up for 4 months and he is already engaged and thinks bringing a 2 year old into the scene is the thing to do...he is out of his flippin mind!

Of course he has other agendas, I don't know what, but I can't imagine he just out of the blue wanting a 2 year old he has not raised to go live with him and his new wife. I am quite sure he is trying to get out of paying child support, however what he doesn't realize is you pay more for a child under your roof than you do sending a check.

I think those two are still in lala land and want to play house with your baby. I would tell him to beat it and when he comes back down to earth the two of you can discuss reasonable visitation.

Best of luck to you.
C.

You need to get legal help. There is a family law clinic in San Diego that provides free legal help in issues like this. You have the right to garnish his wages so that the child support comes right out of his check. I know you say you don't want money, but it is his obligation and the more legal your agreement is the less claim/right he has to pull stunts like this. If you live in San Diego, they have family law clinics that have sessions twice a day with the free help. Here is a link to help. Good luck
http://www.sdcourt.ca.gov/pls/portal/docs/PAGE/SDCOURT/ON...

I agree very much with the general consensus of folks here...

If you don't want to have the responsibility of raising your daughter, feel free to send her... If you do, get a lawyer, NOW!

If this man is on her birth certificate and you have no legal custody arrangement through the court, then you each have equal legal rights to her. What this means is if he is visiting with her, and he takes her wherever and doesn't bring her back, she is not kidnapped... He is not in trouble.

You MUST have a custody arrangement whether it says she belongs with your or with him, it protects both of you. Meanwhile, how can you say that you don't need any child support? EVERY child could do with more financial security. If nothing else, you can pop that money into a savings account for her future college or life expenses. Beyond that, affecting his financial bottom line will show his true colors immediately.

This is one of those times in life where you have to decide what you really want, and fight hard (even against someone you still love if that's the case) to keep or get it. Your child DESERVES to have some of his money and ALL of his heart. Right now, she doesn't have either. I think that's pretty sad and, as her mother, you should do something about it! Hold him accountable for a decision he clearly doesn't regret if he is asking for custody of the child. If he wants to pay her way all day everyday by having her live with him, he should be more than willing to pay her way all day everyday if she isn't living with him.

Please Please Please get some legal advice and do what needs to be done to protect your daughter ASAP!!!!!!

Huggles!!
~S.~

p.s. My qualifications to give you this advice are as follows: I have a 12 year old daughter, whose father I never married, we broke up before she was born. He sued me for custody of the baby that was in my belly at the time. We have been to court LOTs of times, I have a child support order in place which he does not pay unless forced to do so. He has 3 other children younger than my daughter, the oldest of those children is ALSO 12... He has chosen to live in the state, out of the state, and in his car in the past 12 years. He has not brought my daughter back when he was supposed to on MANY occasions...

Dear E.,
Since you have been the primary caretaker of your daughter in all aspects, I do not think it would be healthy for your daughter to be uprooted to move out of state and live with her father and wife-to-be. I think she should stay with you, and visit him on occasion.
Good luck,
Helene

Dear E., Kudos to you for doing this on your own and with confidence! That being said, your daughter's father cannot legally just take her out of state. Even though you were never married, if he wants to challenge you on this, it is a court situation. If he wants to be amicable with the situation, he can have visitation but...if you go to court, he will also be ordered to pay half of all expenses as to her well being etc...and obviously, she is taken care of with you so, it is not as though he can say that the environment with him would be better for him. It is his choice to move out of state, not hers nor yours. He is chosing for himself. I would not advise you to let her go. It isn't an issue of spite, it is that she has been with you, and as a mother who also split from my chidlrens father (and is remarried) I can say whole-heartedly, being without them was not an option for me. He ofcourse, dropped off the face of the earth and has never paid a cent or cared enough to call. That is what a lot of men do. It is unfortunate, because his daughter missed him for years. Now, she doesn't even remember him. Don't give up your daughter! You would regret it for the rest of your life. Things might be difficult from time to time, with always being the only caretaker, but it will all work out. God Bless You and Good Luck!

I suggest legal advice, but I would never let anyone take my child out of state. If they want to be part of her life, they live here!

Hi E.:

It looks like you have gotten alot of responses, but I felt like I wanted to respond too... You are wise not to take child support. Don't make any legal issues. In this way... he will not have rights to take your daughter. You will have the upper hand. If you are able to care for her without any help, then I would not ask him for anything.

I went through a horrible divorce and custody deal. My ex also hooked up with a "wife to be" right after my son was born. I made the mistake of doing what everyone said was the right thing to do. I stayed around the area and made sure I got child support and that my ex had contact.

Ever since, we have both suffered. My ex pays me the absolute minimum. He has had several girlfriends and 2 ex wives including me. My son has had to put up with his father's abusive behaviour. The list goes on and on.

Be very careful. These are the moments you never get back. Be an advocate for your daughter and for yourself.

First of all this is your decision. If your daughter was born in the state you are now residing then he can't take her out of state. it is up to you to say yes or not. that is the law, i have been through this my son was born in ca and his dad wanted to take him to va but the court said he couldent unless i agreed. so just try to explain that to him and if he argues you can take it to court and the mother always win unless she is an unfit mother. good luck.

Hi E.,

If you don't already have a court order declaring you as the custodial parent, you need to take care of that. Also, you need to document EVERYTHING. How often he sees her, how he treats her, what he contributes to her care. This will all help you when you go to court to file for custody. This way, he cannot just take her from you. Look online to find a lawyer that deals in family law and offers pro bono work. Good luck.

A father who moves out of the state where his child lives and does not pay child support is not a good father. A good neighbor or nice uncle could be nice to her when they see her and buy her things. That does not make a father. I would not send her to him. Even if he took you to court, it is very very hard to take a child from their mother. Good luck.

Hi E.,

It all depends on you. Do you want her to move out of state? Can you be happy and satisfied with that arrangement/decision? This is something you need to really consider. Some children can handle separation well and others do not. Unfortunately, once we have children our lives are no longer ours. We have a responsibility to raise and love our children through the good and bad times. Someday, they will appreciate you for it. Most of the adults that I know felt less loved and were more troubled when the mother lets them go or abandons them vs the father. If you allow this to happen, it may be more difficult to get your child back if you change your mind. What is in the best interest of the child? Love is more important than money or convenience. Also, consider yourself in your baby's shoes. How would you feel? Weigh the consequences both ways. You must really give this some thought. God bless and guide you as you seek guidence.

Respectfully,
Mimi

From experience, I know that a biological father still has rights and does not just lose them because he is not on the birth certificate. I had wanted them to see each other at birth, but he had also refused then. He changed his mind when my son was almost 2. The court, in our case, forced our child to visit the biological father for almost 10 years. When we (my husband and our other 3 kids) recently moved, he gave up all of his rights to visitation. My son is thrilled and wishes he'd never had to ever see him. He'd been trying to ask the court for years, but they refused to let him speak. These situations are never guaranteed. I would, however, not knowingly ever send any of my children willingly to the other party outside of normal visitation. Stability is best for children.

Don't do it. If her father wants to be part of her life, then he will move where your daughter is and join you. Otherwise, don't even consider it as an option. If his interest is truly to be part of your daughters life, really interested in what is best for her, he will move where she is, not take her from her security and familiarity.

Hi! I don't know too much about this type of thing, but it's my understanding that in joint custody cases the parents are not allowed to move out of state. You should check with a family lawyer or resource to confirm this. If he moves away, he's basically giving up his rights. In my opinion, his lack of child support is already giving up his rights. He should WANT to pay support, it's his child after all.

She is so little- at this age if she grows up with another family she may not see you as her mama. That would break my heart.

Good luck!

Well E., your daughters father doesn't have any parental rights to do that since you were never married. Only out of your kindness and willingness for her to know her father would he have any contact with her. And you've been broken up for only 4 months and he already has a "wife to be" should be enough red flags to deny his request unless there is something underlying your question, such as do you think he will be back, you say money is not an issue but you don't say you work, he gives you all you ask for, for your daughter, but will that continue when he's gone, at 2 you might not need money, when school starts you will need plenty. By asking for this advice the question pops up that maybe you would like to be unburdened by letting him take your daughter? Not trying to be harsh just trying to understand why this would even be an issue.

HI E.,

I am also a single mom, my son is 15yrs old. His father was never involved emotionally or financially. I just wanted to give you a little encouragement. Single parenthood is hard and it was not the way i wanted to raise my son. I have always thought that a two parent home is best, HOWEVER, nothing can replace your love for your daughter. It was his choice to move away from his daughter, you should not have to suffer because of it. If he truely loves his daughter he will visit her here until she is old enough to travel. Good Luck!! God Bless!! =)

I would definately get papers to solidify that you are the mother and you should also determine the custody. He may be working with you now but you do not know once he has the child he can cut you out completely and you will end up paying the child support. A parallegal can even help you with this or legal aide is great if your income does not allow an attorney. I work in a area where I see this happen all the time and the child is the one that suffers. Please make sure you do this quickly and do not falter under his pressure. I hope this helps.

I don't know if I have too much advice, but my ex husband is applying for post-doc fellowships in northern CA (not too far, but too far to continue our 50-50 parenting agreement) and Connecticut. He does not currently pay child support because of the 50-50, but you can bet he will if he chooses to move away. My opinion is, he chose to leave her, he can deal with the consequences. I will not let my daughter fly alone; she is only 8. I will also not give her up for an entire summer or something like that.

This situation sucks. I'm sorry. Good luck!

That is such a hard one. I myself am a single mother of a 10 month old little girl. The difference is that we have a custody agreement where I have 87% physical custody and Joint Legel Custody. Although my child needs her dad my thought is that they need their mother more. Especially for a little girl. Do you know this other woman? Is she going to be a good influence on your child, does she have the same moral standards? If he hasn't expressed a desire for your daughter to live with him before why now? Is he trying to make an instant family now that he's getting ready to get married? Depending on where he lives you guys can agree on extended vacations during the holidays. Can you see yourself not living with your daughter full time? The only true question is what is best for her not whats best for the adults. Before you make any final dicisions please, please get some legal advise and look into the state where he resides and what there stance is on Child Custody Cases. Make sure the courts are behind you 100%!

E.,
I suggest you to get a lawyer, if you want to keep her under your custody. Because if you let her go, it's probably you won't see her very often. I think you're in disadvantage because you're a single mom and he will be married pretty soon. A.

Hi
I am very empathetic with your story. I am a single mom of a 3 1/2 year old. My story sounds similar to you in that, his dad has never provided financially but has been able to see him regularly (2-4 times a week) since he was born. He's a good dad so I've tried to keep things "nice" by not going to court, etc. His dad recently became engaged and that's when I knew I had to do something legal to make sure nothing would change. So, advice to you: there are excellent free resources through Family Court (if you're in San Diego-they are on 6th downtown) they will help you fill out paperwork and fees can be waived. Get there early (like 6:30 am) to wait for the free legal counsel. They can help you set up child custody and in the state of California-no parent can take a child out of state without the written consent of the other parent. Also, if you go through Mediation-which is probably the route they will send you, you will find that the majority of the custody always goes to the mother until the child is 5 (it's the "tender" years. I was really scared to take this step but it has made my life so much more secure now that I know he can't just come and take my son away. Good luck to you!

He cannot move her out of state. Its a law. But you need to check with an attorney on your right.s

Hi E.:
I'm in a situation similar than yours, but I will never give my baby to his father. The kids are gift from God and you should not give your daughter to him. If you have to go to court for it, you will win since you are the one taking care of her, you will get her physical custody with some visitation. He should pay child support if he stops providing the things she needs. Your daughter will miss you a lot, she needs you.

Good luck with your decision.

M.

First off, I speak from experience tell him I said dont drag a child around like a piece of luggage! We are people who need stability esp at 2! And you should not let him take her. If he did not sign the birth certificate then he has no rights at the moment. Now I will tell you to go see a lawyer just in case, esp to know all of your rights.

Second the reason he may want her is his new wife wants a child and so he figured why not use my own. (again I know from experience!)

Dont let your child be put threw hell like my parents did for so many years. It was sometimes about money my dad still paid child support even though I was with him, but it was just for his significant others. Be sure of his intension's first and for most! Good luck.

It sounds like ur considering the thought of letting her go. If u are, I hope ur considering moving out there too. I would never let her move out there by herself, even if it was to just visit. She is to small and needs her mommy. If she was older and she wanted to, then that would be different. I would still have a huge issue with letting her go. Let me ask you this, do u know the soon to be new wife?? do you know how she treats your daughter? I would try to meet her, especially if your daughter has any relationship with her father, this is gonna be someone who is gonna be a huge part of her life too. I hope you make the right decision

Just curious why you would let her go?? I think she should stay with you.

Hi E.,

I would suggest settling child custody/visitation through court. If you don’t want to go that route, you can go to mediation and have a child visitation schedule signed by a judge. If fleeing is an issue, you can address this and the court will most likely order for neither parent to move out of the city with the child, unless previously arranged, for example, vacation. If then, he decides to leave, it's up to him, but cannot take his child with him, but neither can you.

In regards to child support, it's up to you and him how to handle that. If you don't want anything, that's your decision, or you can talk about a figure per month if both agree with it. If not, the court will decide depending on the parents’ income, expenses, etc.

I’m no attorney, but I’ve had some experience in this because my husband had the same issue with his ex wife. My husband moved from Maryland to California to be with his 3 children but she just kept on moving farther and farther away from where he lived, so we had to address this to the court and they ordered for neither parent to move out of the city with the children.

**Something to keep in mind, make sure that you both try to work together for the best interest of your child. It's important for your child to spend time with both, her mom as well as her dad. Try working things out amicably for her best interest.

I hope everything works out for all of you.

M.

I don't want to sound too harsh or judgemental, but NO WAY should you send your 2 year old out of state without you! It's important for her to have a father in her life, so how about moving to that state so that they can be closer? He has a "wife to be" after only being broken up with you for 4 months!?!? What do you know about this woman? Do you want to abandon your child and have her raising your daughter?? Think about it.

Hi E., My personal opinion is to tell you that your daughter is only 2. That baby needs her Mommy! She is just too little! She undoubtedly will be traumatized and homeSICK
for you. I think "the Mommy" figure is extremely important in
these formative years.
Maybe--he is trying to nip any child support in the bud.
Did you know you would be responsible to pay it??
Best of luck with your decesion,
C. S.

Your answer would be NO. He can move closer to his daughter. He just wants to do the "family" thing and have her with him and his wife. He cannot take her out of state without your consent, or you can have him arrested. He can have her a few times a year and summers, when she starts school (or whatever you agree to). Unless he has some compelling reason that you cannot take care of her, he probably will not get full custody, even if he takes you to court. If you've only been broken up 4 months and he already has a "wife to be" then he doesn't know this woman enough to marry her. You don't know her well enough for her to be around your daughter. Sorry, I'd say no. You could consider moving near him too, just so your daughter has both parents around, but as far as full custody-if you give it up now, you'll have a hard time getting it back. Posession is 9/10ths of the law.

She is your child by law and you have the decision to keep her with you or not. Don't let him steamroll you into giving her to him. The courts would grant you full custody. I would personally keep her and just go visit them together!! a few times a year. Don't give her up or it will be VERY difficult to get her back!!!!!!!!!

Please get a lawyer. The same thing happened to me when my daughter was 3. I live in California, my ex moved to Texas. My attorney took it to court. I won.

You 2 need to establish custody. I am assuming that you have full physical custody of your child. You should go to court and have that made official. If you are going to share custody, you can also stipulate that you do not want your daughter taken out of state until she is a certain age.

Also, I don't know what state you live in, but in California, the Attorney General does not look kindly upon father's who do not pay or help with child support. That might be a big red flag in court. Unless he can prove that he has been helping financially in some way

Please get an attorney. I hope everything works well for you. I know how emotionally painful this kind of situation is. I am sorry you are going through this.

Why are you even considering allowing your child to move out of state ?????? I am very glad that your daughter has a father who loves her but please let him know that you will allow her to come for an exteded visit in the summer but, for now, you think that at her young age you want to keep her close.

Be sure to play nice so as not to create any problems with him or the wife but do not let your daugher go. Nope.

Tamara H.

E. ~ Just because your baby's father wants the baby with him doesn't mean that gets to happen. There are multiple things that would have to happen in order for him to take the baby, the first of which is you would have to agree, unless he petitioned the Court. Once he petitions the Court, not only will they not allow the baby to go live with him when she is only 2, the Court would order him to pay child support.

Now no one really knows your situation or his, but like so many women have said before, if your daughter were better off with him, wouldn't he have stayed here to make sure she was okay? I would think and hope that if you were not capable of caring for your child, he would have resolved the custody issue prior to moving out of state.

Now, the story changes completly if you don't want your baby. Are you just looking for someone to co-sign on your thought process? Because honestly, if you don't want your baby, then yes, she is better off with someone who does. But that is something that you need to think long and hard about. Raising a child is no piece of cake and certainly not doing it alone, but the end result and daily rewards to being a mother far outweigh the difficulties of parenthood.

Good luck to you in whatever decision you make. God bless you and your child.

Hi E.,

Please consult your local legal aid program. At some point you will possibly be needing an attorney. When a relationship breaks up, the man in this case has a soon to be new wife and a very young child. The wife probably feels maternal towards your child. It bonds their relationship so to speak. And he could also just plain miss his daughter. However, he is not logically looking at things. If a young female child has been with her mother since day one, how emotionally and physically hard would it be to take the child away. It would be damaging and this leads me to believe that perhaps he is thinking about "his" needs and not the real needs of the child. Why would a child choose to be away from their mother. Unless a mother is abusive or unfit most courts will allow a mother custody.

This is the next issue that you must face on some level. Since you were not married and I am assuming that in your state you must prove paternity (birth certificates often don't prove legal rights). Legally you must find out your rights to avoid legal pitfalls. Remember possession is usually 9/10 ths of the law , meaning that if your baby has always been with you it would take extenuating circumstances to allow the father custody. Please seek free legal advice and work out visitation that you trust. There are also women groups out there that will support you.
I work with family court in my state. Hope this helps.

no way. i don't care if he has provided for her by purchasing her things that you request. he is the one that decided to move out of state, he can take the consequences that go along with that.

Dear E.,
Don't be fooled by so called generous gestures from your childs father. Material things does not make a father. And
have you really thought about the long term damage it may possibly do to your daughter? What is to stop your daughters' father from poisoning your daughters mind against you by telling her when she is older, that you did not want her in your life. As the saying goes beware of "Greeks bearing gifts" or in a "wolf in sheeps clothing". Does the term income tax deduction ring any bells? Sorry, I do not agree with you that he should not have to pay child support. In some states the law frowns on parents like you making that decision on a childs behalf. Seems like you have left him off the hook in many areas. Think hard and long before you even consider giving up the enjoyment and blessing of seeing your daughter grow up. Mother/G.

i wouldn't give my children up to their father she's real young to where she needs to stay with you. i mean this might sound harsh but if he wants her that bad let him take you to court i belive that all kids belong with the mother before the father

Hi E.,

Listen to what all these women have said so far. This is your baby we're talking about here!! He has no rights as of right now to request anything. Much less, why would you even begin to ENTERTAIN the idea of giving her up?! All because HE 'wants' his daughter in order to create an instant family with a woman who is already next in line after you - in just 4 short months!!
Is this really the life and influence you want for her?

Keep your baby with YOU...you're the Mom....she needs you at this point as the stable one.

Who KNOWS what his real agenda is. At this point he has ZERO rights. He's out of state. He pays NO child support.
What are you doing even considering his request??
If you concede to his 'wish' .....how do you know you'll ever see your daughter again? Knowing too that she would be raised by another woman whom you do not know.

Keep YOUR child!! If he really wanted to be with her he would have stayed living in the same state his daughter is in now.

Get legal advice. Cover yourself on all bases.

God Bless

Are you for real??? I think you need to explain yourself a little better....this website is for people who are serious about family and parenting....Why and how could you even consider giving up your child to a man who legally has NO RIGHTS!?!?! HE LEFT THE STATE AND DOES NOT PAY SUPPORT!!! What other reason would he want her out there??? Please ease all of our minds and give us an update/more info.

E.,

Watch out for a wolf in sheep's clothing. It may sound innocent to you now, but things may change in a heartbeat. I would suggest that you don't allow him to take her out of state unless you have legal documentation.

He will have the opportunity to go to court and sue for custody and make you pay for child support. I'm not saying that he will, but his wife-to-be might want it and usually, what a wife wants, a husband will get for her,

E.~
The good news is...if you have custody of her, you hold all the cards. If he has not paid child support, he can't fight you on this. Also, he is moving out of state and the law won't allow him to take her with him. The courts are not forgiving on this subject. You have been taking care of her for two years and she knows nothing different. Is he looking for full custody or partial? Visitation is one thing, but custody is another. He would have to proove that you tried to keep her away from him for two years and he would also have to proove that he has supported her. It may get "heated", but stand your ground!! He can't expect that he is going to get custody after two years of "little" involvement. Get a lawyer or legal advice. Good luck!!

You need to do what is best for your daughter. Since you are questioning custody, it seems you are not sure if you want full custody. If it's a legal issue, more than likely, unless you are an unfit mother, the court will grant the biological Mother, full custody. It will be REALLY hard for him to take her away from you. Again, I don't anything else about you but you need to do what is best for her and her future. Good luck!

As your child's father, I'm sure that he wants his daughter to be close to you. But as far as taking her away from you, that would not be in the best interest of the child (unless you are abusive, neglectful, or otherwise unable to care for her). This little girl has only ever known Mommy, and to suddenly take Mommy away and replace her with two people whom she does not know well or trust, would be very difficult and hurtful to a child. If you don't want him to have custody of your child, he has no right to demand it of you. Say what is in your heart, if you want to keep your daughter, he will have to find a way to be a part of her life.
On a side note, while money may not be important to you, child support is very important to the continued well-being of your child and her father's role in her life. If he is to be her father, he needs to be ready to take part in her financial care. It's important for him to have those boundaries set now, should hard times come upon either of you later. Good luck.

Do NOT agree to anything without legal advice. I would retain a lawyer ASAP. The fact that you do not really "know" why he wants to move her out of state, is "suspicious." Do not sign anything or agree to anything. You really need help with this to protect your and your daughter's well being. It would be VERY dumb to go along with his request. This is a read-flag.

Your daughter is ONLY 2 years old... she's spent her whole life with you... why only now does he want to take her away???? And, do you even know who this "wife to be" is??? Her background, her ethics, her lifestyle, her morals, her job history, her family, anything? And, WHY is he moving anyway? What's his story? Does he have a real job? Is he or she abusive? If you don't know the answers to these very important questions... then I would REALLY be worried about your and your daughter's well being.

You can also get criminal background checks on people... I would suggest you look into it, regarding your Ex and his "wife to be."

What if your Ex takes away your daughter and completely ALIENATES you from seeing her and then "disappears" and does not tell you where they are? He could forbid you from seeing your daughter and not inform you of anything. This is a scenario that happens everyday. Are you prepared to "let go" of your daughter... and have her be with your Ex and his soon-to-be-wife be her "new" mother???

You need to protect your rights as a Mother and your daughter... who knows what kind of environment or situation your daughter will be in, should she be left to your Ex and his girlfriend.

I don't know... reading your story gave me the chills. It doesn't sound right... it sounds suspicious. You say your Ex is a "good father when he's around..." Okay, he's NOT a good parent if he's not around on a daily basis. Do you understand that? And he only now, wants to gain "custody" of your daughter. WHY ????

You better watch out for yourself, and your daughter's safety. You say you were never married and "things have been increasing since we have been broken up" 4 months ago. O-k-a-y... you REALLY need to get an attorney... and perhaps log any complaints with the police if he tries to take away your daughter under pressure. This just does not sound right.

If you cannot afford an attorney, explain your situation and they should be able to do it pro-bono or at least direct you to a "public" legal service. We have those in my state.

I really wish you the best... you best be on your toes... and take care of your girl.. protect her and make sure she is safeguarded.
Good luck, you will get a lot of opinions here,
~Susan
www.cafepress.com/littlegoogoo

First of all, the money is not an issue because he should be supporting his child. It appears that he is doing that. I think you wuld be wise to seek the advice of an attorney (there are often free clinics or pro bono projects that can help you for free). I would not willingly let my daughter move with her father out of state but if you refuse, he may challenge you for custody and then you are in for a big, expensivr battle. If you can negotiate a visitation schedule between yourselves, that might be best. That's why I would talk to an attorney first.

I was a single mother for 9 years. There are two important questions to ask yourself. 1. What is best for you and your daughter? Be careful not to make decisions based on hurt fealings. She will benefit from having her father in her life, but that doesn't mean you need to move her out of state. You are her mother and you are already taking care of her, there is not logical reason to give your daughter to him unless you feel he could do a better job.
Question 2. Do you need his support? Even if you don't "need" his help right now, he is her father. He is equally responsible for her upbringing. That includes expenses. You never know what could happen in life. I raised my daughter for 9 years on my own. Very little input from her father. He lived out of state and paid not one penny. I didn't need his money, but I did struggle from time to time. And I didn't have grand things for my daughter because I was paying the essentials. I didn't have savings for my daughter and she is only 3 years from college. I learned the hard way that it is important to get everything in writing. When my daughters father passed away last year, I was trying to get her survivor benefits. I had never asked for child support and was just thankful for the little bit of time he spent with her. Well, if I had gone to court and at least gotten something requiring child support, then my daughter would be gettting financial support right now. That would have really helped for college.

In the end you have to be prepared for a fight. I would look into a lawyer and start the process for custody and child support. As long as you are a loving and nurturing mother, you will be fine. And you never know, you two have only beed apart 4 months...whose to say the new chick will even last.

Good luck and stay strong.

There is no way i would let anybody even a Father take my babies away from me. If you are committed to your child and being a Mommy she should be with you.

Hi E.-

Like all good parents, we have to be advocate for our kids even when it comes to the other parent. Maybe he feels that when he gets married, you will ask for child support and if he has custody, you will have to pay support as the non-custodial parent. If you want her to remain with you, there is nothing you have to do until you get served with papers regarding custody. Until that happens, you don't have to do anything.

I would never let anyone take my child, even if he is the father. He's the one that wanted to move out of state, that's his decision to leave his daughter. I would die not to have my child live with me, especially out of state. You don't owe him anything, especially if he has moved on in life, has another "wife to be", they will probably have children of their own and your daughter will never be treated the same as their children. Also if he has never paid child support and you are capable of taking care of her yourself, I don't know how you could even consider it. A daughter would never be able to understand how her mother could give her up.

Don't let him take her without any support from the courts!
If he gets to have her in the other state, he can easily go to court in that state and get custody, leaving you with very little power to do anything where you are. He should be paying support -- i know it is a pain but going to court is worth it!

Hi. I have never been in this situation so I'll admit up front I'm not responding with any legal expertise at all, only from my gut reaction as a mother. My reaction is that you should not allow your ex-boyfriend to take your daughter with them. At her age, living with you is all she's known and to have a major change in her life and losing your daily presence will be very hard on her. Plus she's 2, which is a notoriously difficult age re: behavior, so if your ex has little experience raising her and suddenly he is the full-time parent to a stressed-out 2-year-old, chances are this will not go well for either of them. Also, if you only just broke up a few months ago and he now has a fiancee living with him, 1. It sounds like he was fooling around on you, in which case is that the type of guy who should raise your child?, and 2. What do you know about this woman? She would be the other adult raising your daughter. I would not hand over my toddler to a man who has had an unstable relationship history and a woman I don't know. Also, why does he suddenly want to be a full-time parent? He did not commit to staying with you and he has not stepped up to pay child support so why suddenly does he want to be the daddy? Keep your daughter with you while encouraging a healthy relationship between her and her father. And also, see a family lawyer about your rights and responsibilities-- and your ex's!!. He should be paying child support. If you don't hold him to this he will probably view it as "optional" for your daughter's whole life and she will be out of luck when she needs something major like braces, or surgery, or a car, or college tuition, or whatever. You are your daughter's advocate and protector; don't be timid about this! I'm not saying you have to be rude and demanding, but you do need to stand up firmly for your daughter and yourself. She is 100 percent dependent on you. Good luck.

Hi E.,
WOW! you and your daughter's father have been broken up for 4 months and already he's moved out of the state and has a wife to be! There are red flags up all over the place but let's start with your question as to if your daughter should move out of state to be with her dad. Consider this, your daughter is only 2 years old and needs to have a consistent, stable and loving environment in which to develop and grow. If you have physical custody where your child resides with you then it would be good to consider her remaining with you until she is old enough to visit with her dad out of state. This is truly a question where you are going to have to decide for yourself what you should do in the best interest of your child. Perhaps you and the father can talk things out and agree on a parenting plan but not to disrupt the childs environment with an out of state move so fast. I'm wondering, Do you want your daughter out of the state being raised by her dad and a stranger? Don't you think your daughters emotional well-being is contingent upon her mother being there for her to nurture her needs? Your baby needs you. Consider the father taking trips to visit the child and when she is old enough, then maybe spending summer and winter vacations. And consider having child support because raising a child on your own is difficult with limited finances and/or resources. No matter what you decide always consider whats in the childs best interest. I don't personally think that it's in your baby's best interest to be taken from you at such an early age. Maybe you would consider this move to please the father or because you still love him. Thats totally understandable, but just remember that in early child development having a stable home and loving caregiver promotes the childs emotional well being. Keep seeking counsel and well wishes to you.
M. L.

E.,

do not send your daughter of 2 yr old out of state to a man that didn't do the right thing and marry you plus no child support unless you ask! i agree the court will look down on this if you send your daughter.

Hi E., my advice to you, is keep your 2 year old with you, she's at an age where she needs her mother, not to say she doesn;t need her dad she does, but it is not the ideal situation. Since it sounds like he moved from the area where your daughter was born, in my opinion it's up to him to come to you for visits with his daughter. My daughter is 18 and the idea of her livng away from me one day, makes me ill. When you have never been married to a baby's dad, the baby belongs with the mother, unless she is unable to care for the child. J. L

No brainer. Keep your child and get child support. His buying things for her does is good but that isn't really supporting her. It's not about you not caring about money, it's about his responsibility to his daughter.
I would be suspicious of his motives as to why he wants her out there and do you know anything about his "wife to be"? I would be filing for custody so that if he should want to press the issue you have legal rights. I would give this serious thought and seek some legal information as to your rights and his. I would do this soon in the event that he tries to pressure you on this issue of taking his daughter to live with him.
Good luck and really think about this and make a move soon.