Any Advice on Supporting Newly Divorcing Friends?

My parents were divorced, and I witnessed some of thier friends getting divorced. Through that experience -- everyone eventually chooses a side. I think it's great you want to remain neutral, and I think you should definitely keep the kids playing together -- theirs are going to need it a lot! If you get together with one parent or another, try to keep everything you say pretty neutral. You could even be up front and let them know you won't be choosing sides, and hope to remain friends with both. I wouldn't communicate through the kids, as they will probably be getting a lot of that. Offer support when it's asked for, and offer friendsip when it's not.

Hi J.,

Let both parents know separately that their child is still always welcome in your home, as is each parent. If they are at all sensible (possibly not) they will realize that it is to the child's benefit to keep things as normal as they can and know they need other families that want to help. If you need something specific to say when one vents about the other, make it very neutral: "I know how tough this must be. I'm so glad we can help." Or even "Well, this is why God gave us lawyers!" Just don't comment on either parent's behavior to the other -- that way lies madness!

Good luck and you are a good friend!

Twice-divorced mom of two very well-adjusted guys!
S. F.

I was divorced a little while back, and remain good friends with one particular couple which I met through my ex. They are also friends with him, though they don't see him as often (mostly because I see them regularly for playdates). They were sympathetic to me during the split (on a "just let me know whatever you need" level), and I didn't hear them say anything bad about my ex, which made me feel like they were also not saying anything bad about me to him, and were probably equally sympathetic to him. Hopefully neither parent will talk bad about the other in front of the children; I'm not sure how to handle that one!

-C.

I would be supportive of each and listen when needed but make it clear that you will not take sides or repeat what the other has confided in you. Good luck.

I am a divorced Mom of two and have a friend who is also friends with my ex. I see him a lot more than the ex does but when ever I have been invited over and my ex just shows up he calls to tell me that he is there. He is just very supportive of me and trys to help me with issues around the house. I would say the best way to remain friends with both individuals is to not pick sides but be supportive of both. Not to sit around "bashing" the other with the soon to be ex. Continue doing the things together that you enjoyed and maybe that will help keep their minds off the obvious tention they are facing.

I think whether you plan it or not you will see the mom more than the dad since that's who usually gets more time with the kids after a divorce, she might want to vent with you and just have someone to talk to, but ask them both not to share the details of their separation with you or your husband. If you have to avoid anything at all is to relate messages between her and her ex good or bad comments should be kept a secret, I also had friends who were divorsing and she would want me to tell him how happy a good she was looking, that i "heard she was Dating" etc. to make him jealows, Thankfully i am a bit more mature and walked away quickly from the situation. I found out later that they are still together trying to work out their relationship. I hope you can mantain the friendship with both of them and that the kids don't suffer through the process, Best wishes to both families.

I was divorced many years ago. The friends almost all disappeared. If they had told me what you said in your letter it would have been possible to salvage some of those friendships.
There were terrible things going on in our relationship and people didn't know what they were. People are quick to judge without knowing the facts. So I guess first off is don't judge. There is a reason this is happening and while you might not know why it is extremely painful for both parties.
My own sister dumped me out of her life when I so desperately needed her. And my children needed normalcy. So do not abandon them, but be clear about your discomfort if it comes up. Believe me they know.
I don't think you could say it any more beautifully than what you said in the letter. I do think it is very kind of you to not want to take sides. You can listen without judging and commenting and steer conversations elsewhere. They are grieving. I realized sometime later that I was in so much pain that at times I was crying so much and could have been steered away from it. You might not have wound up as lifelong friends of theirs as a couple but you just might have one friend in your life. It is also their choice to continue to respond to your friendship. They are going through really tough times right now. If you stay there in the background I am sure they will appreciate it.One or both. And sometimes strange things happen and people work their relationships out and you don't have to go through this.

Be wonderful to their children!! They need love, friends and support... I am in a divorce that is hostile -- and I think it is basically impossible for people to be "friends" with both of us. People who share even seemingly innocuous information with him become vehicles for damage to me and our child. Just love the children and go from there...

Do your best to keep the kids connected. When you have conversations with the parnets, for now keep it about the kids and common interests. Simply let them know that you will not take sides between them and hope that they will work things out in a way that allows the children to remain friends. In my experience, that will provide you with the best position and perspective to maintain a long term relationship. In the end they will need to find a way to do the same and you will have shown the way.

Adult Child of divorced parents, with too many freinds who made the same choice.

Divorcing anger is poison. Now that I have said that I think you need to sit down together as husband and wife. Tell each other everything you love each other for. Then tell what bothers you about each other. Talk about goals for your future. Now set the game plan for how you will deal with their divorce. I suggest that you tell them both together that you will not take sides. You will be happy to see them together and alone. I would tell what you both feel are the boundries of conversation about each other. The courts usually do not allow either parent to talk about the other. I suggest you also make it firm with them that they must deside before going to court what they will do for the children. Always direct the conversation about the other parent back to the children. Their feelings are hurt because the promise is broken. Remind them the divorce must be smooth for their children. It takes at least two years to get over a relationship break up. Because their anger toward each other is poison you to must talk about what happened after each contact with them. My must keep your compus pointed in the right direction or the poison will infect your household. I have had several friends divorce after dealing with divorcing friends. Just talk and reassure your feeling for each other. Be honest and open about any thing you begin to feel while dealing with your new friends. If you have old friends talk to them also. Other peoples insite into your relationship will keep you strong. Never be afraid to seek hekp if it gets overwhelming for you.

To start pray for them. They need all the pray you can give them. I would remain very neutral. If one wants to vent to you let them vent but never make your feels known. You will probably find that it will be hard to continue the same friendships as before because the situation has so drastically changed. They will both meet new people and start new relationships. One or both will probably move out of the neighborhood. Just remain very neutral.
Friends of our got a divorce and we did stay friends with both for a while but shortly after one got married and things were not the same. They made new friends and we all moved on with out lives. The kids will probably remain friends unless they move but that is a different kind of relationship.

Wish you the Best,
S.

Alot is going to depend on the couple. When I was in my late teens I was best friends with a couple for a few years and spent time with them and their daughter almost daily until they got divorced. I had intended on staying friends with both of them until the wife told me I had to choose one or the other. I told her I wasn't going to make that choice so she walked out of my life. It was very painful, but I still feel it was the right decision on my part. Let this couple know you are there for both of them, keep neutral and see what happens. They are going through a very difficult time right now and your friendship may not be their top priority, but at least they'll know you care. When my husband and I divorced our entire group of friends (his to begin with) and his entire family basically shut me out of their lives and it was a terrible time. They had no idea how miserably he had treated me and I wasn't going to drag out our dirty laundry so I had to live without them and it hurt terribly. I tried to reach out to his mother and sister-in-law so I could still be a part of his his neices' and nephews' lives, but to no avail. Now almost 10 years later they are all nice enough to me when I see them (former friends too), but I still feel I lost of huge part of my life when they all walked away. Kudos to you and your husband for wanting to be there. I wish I had had friends like you. Losing our friends and his family was the most painful part of the divorce!

Hi J.,

My biggest issue after the divorce was that I'm not invited to "couples" events. Really rude.

Just be a friend. If either one needs to spout, let them. If you're not comfortable with the spouting let them know. Couples split for all different reasons. Just be a friend.

And btw, very interesting that you say the first of your friends to divorce...divorce is very common and is simply a part of life.

All relationships change...constant flux. Mother, daughter-sister,brother-husband,wife...all relationships are constantly in flux.

Hope this helps!

E.

Be honest with both people about wanting to remain friends with the two of them and ask them to please don't speak negatively about the ex in fromt of you; that would ruin the relationship you two are trying to maintain.

I commend you on your desire to be neutral and remain friends with both members of the couple. This may turn out to be more difficult then you imagine, but I commend it. When I was divorced none of the people I knew through my husband remained friends with me, and huge chunks of my life just fell away. "My" friends stuck by me, which I needed, because I was the one being "left" and I was a wreck. But ultimately, I think friends that can just be friends and not have to judge the process could be very helpful.