17 Weeks Pregnant with My First Child and Baby's Father Has Left Me, Terrified?

When I was 24 I was in a relationship with someone who was an abusive jerk. Like you, he wasn't a jerk until AFTER I got pregnant. All of the sudden, big douche bag appeared.
Ignore the women that are going to tell you, "You shouldn't have slept with him." How does that help? It doesn't. What's done is done, I am sure you have learned something.
My son's bio-dad said horrible things to me, cheated on me, gave me an STD (HPV) and was verbally and sometimes physically abusive.
He didn't give me a red cent.
He left in the middle of the night, no phone call, when I was 7 months pregnant and I didn't hear from him again for almost 4 years. Then he signed over his rights.
Here's my story...... I did it on my own. Even after hearing the judgement, the "give your child up...he deserves better!", the people that tsk tsked me for chosing the wrong person to sleep with.
I got married when my son was very young to my best friend. I have a total of 3 kids. I am happy, I am loved, and I do NOT for one secod regret keeping my son. AT ALL.
You can do this. You may need someone to help you a bit, hold your hand, support you. BUT YOU CAN DO THIS. You don't need him.
Your child is lucky to have a mom that is already in love with him.
I too was terrified...TERRIFIED....and while I certainly have had some ups and downs I wouldn't change it for the world.
L.

I am so sorry that he is doing this to you--how unfair and cruel. If you need material support for the baby (crib, carseat, stroller, etc.), check out a local crisis pregnancy center (NOT a Planned Parenthood or similar--check with a local church to find bone fide crisis centers--not some place that will either pressure you to give your child up or to abort) to see if they can offer that kind of assistance to you. They can also help you find a doctor who will give you low cost or even free prenatal care.

Whatever you do--get an order for him to pay child support.

Good luck to you and your baby. You sound like a very strong a smart woman, and your baby is lucky to have you.

ETA: I know PLENTY of women who had babies in their teens, and both the women and their kids have turned out fine. Most of these women had a very strong support system with their family or friends. It CAN be done, and you are much older than they were. One of my friends had a baby at 17--the father (who I went to school with from K-12) TOTALLY abandoned her so he could pursue his true love--drugs. She is an amazing mother and has gone on to get married to a wonderful man and have additional children.

You are probably eligible for state assistance. My daughter was pregnant and alone and she used state assistance to get financial and medical assistance. In Oregon you would be eligible for state medical insurance and food stamps. You can also get WIC which provides some basic foods for pregnant women and their babies. Financial assistance would be a possibility. My daughter used this assistance until she could get back on her feet with a job and low income housing.

Google your state and Department of Human Resources. Your state may use a different name than that.

1. Start taking ownership over your decisions. He didn't make you quit your job. That was your decision, despite knowing that he cannot support you financially.

2. Contact social services regarding anything you may be eligible to offset your expenses (including prenatal care).

3. Apply for 3-5 positions EVERY day (no matter what field they may be in). You need an income and benefits and you need them yesterday.

4. Keep in mind that people are suggesting adoption for very good reasons.
- You are not prepared to be a parent for many many reasons (financially unstable being only one)
- Electing to keep your child will impact your child's future as much as your own
- Many people who are in a good place to be a parent are looking for children to love and nurture
*You are not in any place right now to make any decisions on that topic, but it wouldn't hurt anyone to schedule an appointment with an adoption counselor through an agency. You can always thank them for their time and never go back.

Encouraging feedback? Well, my aunt was in your same shoes 23 years ago. She was a senior in college, an honor student and pregnant. He cut out weeks before my cousin was born and she was alone and unemployed. Well... not totally alone. We have a huge family, but essentially she was on her own. The outcome? Many years of sacrifice, tears and second guessing herself (b/c there was no one to give her a second opinion), my cousin is an elite Navy Seal.

I will add this caveat... she could NOT have done this without our family. They lived with my grandparents for two years so that she could work (hourly job, not as an accountant b/c she didn't finish school) without paying for childcare. My other aunts and uncles sent her money when they could for groceries and always made sure that my cousin had the things he needed for school and gifts for holidays. My parents paid his college tuition. Because there was such a large group of people, there was always someone around to help with homework, run him to practices, attend his performances, etc. My aunt was not always able to do. When he entered HS, she finished her degree (again with lots of teamwork) and is now married to a wonderful man.

You have your own place... for now... but you will need to buy things for a baby. Can you do that and pay your rent and utilities?
You have an education... but that's not the same as an income.
You have your own car... for now... but it needs gas and insurance.
Do you have a solid savings account?
What will you have in six months?
What will you have in six years?

If you have a large and giving support network, you can probably make this work. If you don't, start thinking like a parent. A parent thinks about the well being of their child FIRST and themselves second. What needs to happen to create a healthy and secure life for your child? Make a list and get cracking... the next 23 weeks are going to fly by.

I think he is showing his true colors and, scary as it seems, you are much better off without him. So is your baby. You will need to get a lawyer to ensure that you get full custody. You may also be able to have him sign away his parental rights. While it would mean you wouldn't get money from him (I think), it would also mean you don't ever have to deal with him again.

I'm so sorry he turned out to be such a jerk. Get a lawyer now. Also, if it's only been a couple of months since you left your job, give your former boss a call and see if there's any possibility of you coming back.

So sorry you have to deal with this stress right now.

My first suggestion is to move. Find a job somewhere else, find another apartment etc. If he has become abusive it will not magically go away and if he is using or selling drugs do one of two things, turn him in or completely walk away, including move.

This may mean find a woman's shelter for a while, this may mean in with a relative, or you may be able to find a new home and a new job at the same time. Bottom line, move.

absolutely you can do this. you have made some terrible decisions, it's time to re-evaluate and turn your life around. you CAN do this. you can, because you have to. learn from your mistake of picking loser boyfriends. find that job. it's out there. you don't talk about family support but consider moving if you need to, because you will need a support system of some kind. consider moving if you need to, to find a job. but honey, walmart is always hiring. you have to have a job. get a crappy one for now if you have to, and build your way up, finding better ones as you earn a paycheck and keep your head above water. yes, it's scary. yes, it will take hard work. everything of value does. and it will be WORTH IT.

Well, like it or not, he's still has to pay up for child support for the next 18 or so years.
He'll probably insist on a paternity test once the baby is born.
Is there any chance of returning to your old place of employment?
Talk to social services and keep looking for work.
You might have to relocate to find work.

All I can tell you is that you're not the first young in married woman to be in this situation.
Chin up.
You sound pretty independent to me.
I'll bet you'd do just fine on your own.
Sounds like this "man" will need to be ordered to support his child, so research paternity testing and call your local Family Court for guidance in obtaining child support. You'll not have to hire an attorney for that. But it can't be done until after the baby is born.
So keep looking for employment, keep yourself SAFE from this lunatic by being smart. Get a PFA if necessary.
Look into what social services are available to you as an unemployed single mom: WIC, food stamps, TANF, etc.
Do you have a church home?
Determination will decide your fate. Stay focused!
All the best.
Don't take any "judgyness" you encounter to heart. No O. I know is perfect or has had the "perfect life"! So focus on YOU and your baby & ignore anyone that tries to stand in your way!

I would look for your local crisis pregnancy center. They might be able to counsel you and direct you to some resources. If nothing else, its someone to talk to. They often offer parenting classes and can provide donated baby items. If you have a good relationship with your parents, then its time to move back in with them. I applaud your courage, but I'm not going to sugar coat this: Taking care of a new born is the hardest thing I've ever done and I was 100% finically supported by my husband and had physical and emotional help from both my mother and husband. I know that you need encouragement, but you also need a dose of reality. Its hard. I don't know how single mothers, especially of new borns do it. Its a full time job just to feed a baby, let alone provide for it. You are going to need more than a job to get through this, you need emotional and financial help and support. I'd look to family. Don't even try to do this alone. The first year is the hardest, see if your family can take you in so you spend that first year caring for and bonding with your baby.
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S., I want to clarify that caring for a baby is not complicated. Its just that their needs are relentless. Even "easy" babies are hard, and most babies aren't easy.

The smartest thing you can do is cut all ties with him and move on. He has shown his true colors, and is not likely to change. If he's dealing drugs and hanging out with druggies, you don't want those people near you or your baby.

If you don't live near family or supportive friends, pick up and move near them ASAP. As a single mom, you will need the support network. Once you move, find a job and work up until you deliver, or maybe a bit sooner if you can't handle it physically.

Hopefully you can free or affordable child care when the baby comes. You are making the decision to raise the baby as a single mom, so you will need to work. Those little people are amazingly expensive to raise!

Best wishes!

Try to find a prenatal clinic or one for teen pregnancy. This will show you how to be a parent and maybe get you a mentor. Apply for aid or assistance from WIC.

Know that deep down in your hear that you can do this. Do not depend on a man to help you out. Anyone who will berate a woman pregnant is not worth trying to keep around. I hope that you do have is name, DOB and social security number to file for support.

Altus is not the biggest place in the world and you may have to change your perspective of jobs until after the baby is born.

Good luck to you.

the other S.

PS This maybe a blessing is disguise him not being there.

Wow, I'm so sorry you're going through this. For one thing, I can imagine how stressful it is trying to find employment while pregnant. You sound like a very capable young woman who CAN do this, and make it work. Congratulations on your baby. You'll figure it out as you go, no first time mother has any answers - just follow your instincts. And definitely stay away from ex-boyfriend. What a shame he isn't who you thought he was. Will keep you in my thoughts. Do you have any family close by, or anyone else to help you out? Sending you hugs. It will be a bumpy road, but you'll come out stronger in the end!

Congratulations! First sign up for whatever services you can get until you get a job. Don't worry about not knowing how to be a parent. As soon as you see that little face you will figure it out, just like we all did. Babies do not come with manuals. It on the job learning. Lol. Will it be rough sure. Can you do it, absolutely. Do you have a supportive family? If they are supportive but do not live close by, it may be worth a move. Just an idea.
This is a great site for advice, so feel free to ask any questions!! Hang in.

I was in a similar situation with my son. His dad started to distance himself while I was still pregnant, and I used the spare time to read baby books and prep. I worked until I went into labor. After my son came his dad was enamored and would keep him while I went back to work. We ended up back together, and added a girl when my son was 3. Now I know that their dad was a tool and wish I would have kept the distance.
I hate when people suggest counseling to me-however, there is a women's shelter in my city that would be great for someone in your situation. You wouldn't have to live there, but they could help you find resources and act as social support. Many of tge women there would tel, you that your fortunate your ex showed his true colors prior to the babies arrival.
They might even be able to help with the job search.
Hang in there!